Words from Ward

"Cold Dead Nothing" Trailer

2011-07-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

5 Things Men Need To Be Doing

2011-06-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

Ah, men. It's so hard to be us, isn't it? We have to forage and hunt for food, protect our caves and our women, and generally be the rock in every relationship. We are expected to be sensitive and, at the same time, masculine as all hell. What's a man to do? Well, in this day in age, there are several things men need to be doing that many are sadly avoiding. We'll save the grooming tips for another time, less someone think this list too feminine.

5. Giving Up Their Seats. See that little, old lady clinging to the handlebar on the bus? Of course you do. You're sitting right in front of her. Now get up and offer her your seat. You should be doing this even if she's not little and old. Believe it or not, womens' shoes and clothes are far ore uncomfortable than mens'. Standing in heels on the subway sucks. Honestly, you should be giving up your seat to anyone who looks less able to stand than you are but, at the very least, you should be a gentleman to those wearing uncomfortable shoes. If you can conquer worlds with your Blackberry, you can stand up in-transit.

4. Dressing Their Age. This doesn't mean that you need to be wearing a suit every day, or even a sportsjacket. You can still look perfectly acceptable without a tie, which many powerful, professional men don't wear every day...or at all. But that "Tap Out" t-shirt looks ridiculous on you if you're over forty and, honestly, you aren't fooling anyone. Dressing like a teenager doesnt' make you look younger, it makes you look as if you are in denial. Save your mid-life crisis for the Corvette you buy and learn to dress your age. There are t-shirts for middle-aged men that don't look like the clothes your dad wore. Find them. You'll be surprised to learn that dressing your age will actually make you look younger. That "Affliction" shirt only makes you look silly.

3. Learning How A Doorway Works. Pretty simple, really: Let people out before you go in. This works on planes, trains, at the mall, at the office, or anywhere that a door opens up and people come through it. Believe it or not, you aren't nearly as important as you think you are, and your pushing your way onto the subway before people get off doesn't actually hasten your commute. The old saying that "Patience is a Virtue" rings true when people are walking through the door.

2. Controlling Their Insides. Sitting in an airport lounge recently, I was on the receiving end of a loud belch by the guy sitting next to me. When I looked over at him, he said "Sorry, I can't help it". Yes, you can. Everyone can. You might have gas, and that's a fact of life, but you also have a mouth that closes and the ability to stifle your obnoxiousness. Same goes (even more so) for farting. If you are over the age of 12 and haven't learned how to control your gas, you're lucky to have made it this far into society without being caged and used as a lab experiment. It's the 21st century; your gas doesn't need to be shared with others.

1. Eating Like Adults. Your napkin goes on the left, your forks on the left, and your knife and spoon on the right. But you don't really need to know that unless you're having a formal dinner party. Even then, not knowing proper table setting is okay. Eating like a Neanderthal is not. Close your mouth, chew your food, and learn to sip your drink without slurping it into your gullet. No one wants to hear your food, let alone see it, so learn to behave as if you've eaten before. If you live in North America, chances are pretty good you are not starving. Stop eating like you are.

So, being a man might not be easy, but each of us can do his part to be a little more graceful as we deal with this fact. Sure, we're not completely removed from our cavemen ancestors, but we can at least try eating like we are. And if you must eat with your hands, perhaps we can discuss getting a manicure?

My Five - Five Problems With Comic Book Movies

2011-06-28T14:13:00.001-07:00

This summer, movie-goers have been hit with more comic book movies than we've seen before in one season. From Thor to Green Lantern to X-Men: First Class to Captain America, 2011 is shaping up to be the year of the superhero. The only problem? Most comic book movies this year have fallen short of previous expectations. Whereas movies featuring Batman, Spider-Man, and Iron Man have cleaned up at the box office, the recent Green Lantern flick hit a wall, falling about a hundred million dollars (!) short of expectations. Hollywood execs are shaking their heads and entertainment media everywhere are speculating as to why these flicks are falling short. The reasons range from "Second-tier heros aren't as popular" to "People don't care about comic books anymore". Below are My Five reasons why comic book movies aren't doing as well this year, and what can be done to improve their performance.

5. Been There/Done That. This summer, you can purchase your ticket to see that movie about the young person who obtains awesome powers and abilities, despite his own shortcomings and self-centered nature. Through tragedy and personal loss, the main character finds that being a hero is a great responsibility. His newfound power and glory changes him for the better, and he knows that he must use what he has learned for the good of his fellow man. Sound familiar? Well, that's likely because it's practically EVERY COMIC BOOK MOVIE EVER MADE. Let's face it: you don't have to see every superhero movie to know how the main character eventually becomes a superhero. Personal loss? Check. Self-centered nature challenged by said loss and new powers? Check. Rumor has it the new Superman movie in 2012 will show his origin...yet again. Ditto for the Spider-Man reboot. Do people really need or want to see the origin of superheroes again? Couldn't it be told in the opening credits so the rest of the movie could be about, you know, heroics? People think that audiences are getting tired of superhero movies. That's not it. Audiences are getting tired of watching the same movie. A cool costume can only distract from a crappy script for so long.

4. Too Much Eye Candy. There is a myth in Hollywood that has been around forever. That myth is the belief that young men (the most profitable theater customer) need some T&A to attract them to a film. It's not true. Some of the most successful action/horror/adventure movies of all time told either no love story at all or one that was secondary to the film. Does anyone really believe that kids went to see Transformers because of Megan Fox? Iron Man because of Gywnneth Paltrow? Green Lantern for Blake Lively? Not saying that there should be no female characters in the movie or that they serve no purpose in a comic book story. But, often times, these subplots take away from the overall story if they are tossed in simply to add eye candy no one wants. It's like when Hollywood makes the (wrong) assumption that, since teen boys love boobs and guns, they'll flock to see a woman shooting a gun. They almost never do. And the belief that women will see the movie because there is a hot woman in it is even more insulting to the viewer. Women don't go see comic book movies simply because they hear there might be a love story in it. Believe it or not, women are smarter and more selective than that. Yes, there's a love story in both Batman and Iron Man movies. You know what else they had? Good scripts.

3. 3-D sucks. When "Real D" technology came along a few years ago, it was pretty cool. It was like going to an old retro 3D movie. Then, it started to really suck. Why? Because every third action movie was converted into 3D and the price of the ticket was jacked up. Notice that I did not say these movies were filmed in 3D. They were converted. Meaning they were shot in normal 2D and then some guy with a computer converted it so it looked kinda-sorta three dimensional. But no one cares anymore. It costs too much for the ticket and adds nothing to the movie. Plus, it adds to the budget of a movie, so the profit seems less in the long run than it would normally be. Spider-Man was a huge hit and not in 3D. Ditto for the Batman and Iron Man flicks. No one cares about 3D if the effect doesn't add to the film. Avatar pulled it off because it was shot that way. But Thor just put it in to grab some cash. It didn't work, by the way, as it seems less that 40% of movie-goers have opted to see the 3D version of either it or The Green Lantern. Shoot it in 3D or just release it as-is. Audiences are seeing through the bogus hype, and they just want to watch a good movie without all the gimmicks.

2. Too childish. Yes, Batman is a dark comic book story. We've all learned this and each Batman movie continues to prove it. No, Spider-Man is not quite as dark, nor is Iron Man. What these movies are, however, is movies that are not aimed at children. Hollywood always wants to cater to that young, teen male crowd. Well, Hollywood, stop treating teens like they are five years old and you might get them to come back to the movies. Somewhere over the past several years, Hollywood has decided that, in order to attract teens, a movie needs to look as much like a Disney Channel sitcom as possible. They're wrong. When I was a kid, we loved Rambo, The Terminator, Commando, and Aliens. Sixteen is not the same thing as six. And if you think fourteen-year old boys can't get into R-rated films, you deserve to be charged extra for those crappy 3D glasses. You don't need to make the movie dark, violent, and creepy in order to attract younger audiences, but you could start by treating young audiences as something other than babies. They don't want a movie to cater to them, believe it or not. They want to watch a movie like adults do. There's a reason Predator was a runaway smash, and it's not because it was written like the back of a Happy Meal bag.

1. Too Much CGI. Oh, how great it is that Computer Generated Imagery (CGI) was invented. Without it, we wouldn't have had such realistic characters in our movies like those Jurassic Park dinosaurs or Gollum or the movie Avatar. And that's about it. A vast majority of computer-generated effects suck, and it's mostly because they are made by guys sitting at a computer who are more concerned with showing off what they can make on their screen than they are with a well-written script. Too many Hollywood movies these days think people just want something that looks good without bothering to tell a decent story.

CGI is great when it is used to enhance something already filmed with real people, such as in The Matrix. Somewhere along the lines, Hollywood decided that, rather than "less is more", there is nothing "more" than "even more". It's not enough for a character to fly through the air; now the character spins and flips and does tricks while flying sideways. Why? Who asked for it? Is the effect really that impressive it the audience is constantly aware that it's an effect? And who is the computer tech making it happen that thinks it's a good idea? What on earth, besides pure computer geek ego would make anyone think people wanted to see R2D2 fly? Or any of the silly things that The Green Lantern made appear? Or the fact that the villains in some of these movies look no more realistic than the cutaway scene on an Xbox video game? If you give audiences nothing real to look at, don't be surprised if they simply do not care about the outcome. Chances are pretty good that, in Green Lantern, audiences would have rather seen Michael Clarke Duncan in the movie than a computerized, cartoon alien that had his voice.

Comic book movies aren't dead. They'll continue to be made for years, if not decades to come. As long as people long for heros, there will be heros on the big screen. The question is whether or not Hollywood can learn from it's mistakes in order to improve and make better movies year-after-year. This was just My Five problems with comic book movies. Now let's hear from you.

Stop Overusing The Word "Survivor"

2011-06-28T10:32:00.001-07:00

I recently caught an interview with a woman on TV who managed to go from being a broke divorcee to being a self-made millionaire. It was impressive, to say the least, that she accumulated such wealth and success in the first place, but also because she did so while fast approaching fifty years old. The person doing the interview praised this woman's success and called her a "survivor".

Survivor of what? Divorce, I guess. You know, that rare disease that claims the life of untold millions every year for which there is no known cure.

On an episode of "Oprah" last year, a woman was interviewed about her newfound independence after going through a particularly nasty divorce. Oprah screamed to the audience that the woman was "A Survivor!" The audience, of course, erupted into applause and cheers.

No less than twenty-seven times in the past year have I heard someone on TV or in the media refer to a person coming out of a bad relationship with this proud "Survivor" moniker. As if awful splits are somehow rare and something a random few people get through without succumbing to the Grim Reaper. Suddenly, going through a bad break-up has become synonymous with PTSD and treatment for ALS.

The truth of the matter is something no one wants to hear: You aren't special because you made it through a bad break-up. In today's society, we want to convince everyone that their experiences are unique and rare; no one could possibly understand the hardships that came with the demise of their relationship. In reality, most break-ups are difficult, most divorces can get nasty, and about 99% of all people involved in either (or both) manage to live through them. The harshest reality is that most break-ups aren't nearly as bitter and nasty as people want to think they are, and most people aren't actually as strong-willed as they think they are for getting through them.

Over half of all marriages end in divorce and a majority of all relationships end. The odds of that relationship ending badly are higher than you think. After all, these things end for a reason. Often, that reason is because the situation has become difficult and the relationship is no longer one that is happy or even cooperative. If you have a bad relationship that ends badly, you aren't actually much different than the majority of other people going through a break-up. As much as you might have felt as if you were going to die, the reality is that you were probably nowhere near it, despite your belief that being entitled to a lifetime of wedded bliss was shattered along the way. Back patting yourself for getting through is just a slap in the face to those who actually deal with far worse.

You and the husband argued a lot and screamed at each other? That doesn't make you the victim of domestic violence. That makes you likely a bad fit with your chosen mate. You lost a lot of money in the divorce? That doesn't mean you were inches away from death's door. It actually makes you pretty much just like most people who go through a painful split. They were no closer to dying than you were, despite your feelings of complete destitution.

The problem here is not people's feelings of self-importance so much as it is the de-valuing of certain words in our society. Pre-9/11, we called a good football player a "hero". Seeing actual heros respond to a national tragedy changed that about us...at least for a little while. Calling someone who had a bad break-up a "survivor" is a similar kind of insult. It belittles those who actually persevere and overcome true, life-threatening obstacles simply to give credence to other people's sense of self-worth. Imagine telling the rugby players who made it through the crash in the Andes Mountains in '72 by resorting to cannibalism that you're on a similar level because you married a passive-agressive douchebag.

Somewhere out there, there are actual "survivors" of awful break-ups. Victims of abuse, marital rape, con-artist spouses, and those who can claim to have lost more than their pride and condo along the way are a few examples. These are the people who deserve to use the term "survivor", not the twenty-eight year-old girl who wound up surprised she had a bad relationship with the guy with the hot car that lived in his parents' basement and never learned to wash his own clothes. You weren't on the verge of death because you chose an awful boyfriend, dear; you just have bad taste in men. Let's not pretend that not getting what you wanted out of your marriage is the same thing as four rounds of chemotherapy. It's not.

If you come through your break-up with your limbs attached, your skin unbruised, your body unviolated, and your future ahead of you, don't consider yourself a "survivor". Consider yourself pretty normal and just like a majority of people out there. Then consider yourself lucky that you don't actually deserve that moniker we so glibly throw around these days. In order to wear it, you'd have to have suffered through something far worse than a jerk who didn't appreciate you and thought your ass looked big in those pants.

My Five - Five Things Men Shouldn't Wear

2011-06-16T08:21:00.000-07:00

In Honor of my 38th Birthday, I'm doing a very personal "My Five" today. I will be discussing five quick things you won't be seeing me wearing...and that no man should be wearing. As I coast happily into middle-age, I see many train wrecks of fashion around me. Here are five that need to be cleaned up and hauled away.

5. Track Suits/Jogging Suits. You know who should be wearing jogging suits? People who are jogging. You know who always seems to be wearing them? Fat guys at the mall. Unless you're actually exercising or--here's a stretch--running somewhere, you need to leave the track suits at the track. Same goes for people who wear sweat pants anywhere but at the gym or on the couch at home. "But I wear them on the plane because I like to be comfortable" someone once said to me. Well, if sitting in a chair, dressed like an adult who is able to function in society is such a chore, perhaps you don't need to be flying anywhere in the first place. And if a pair of jeans is that uncomfortable, it's time to reconsider your diet.

4. Fanny Packs. I got one of these as a gift in the 90s. I wore it for about a week as a way to carry my Walkman (!) whenever I went for a walk. I looked stupid. So do you. Stop wearing them. They looked stupid in the 90s and they just look comical in the "teens" (or whatever it's called now). You have pockets for a reason. If you can't fit your keys in your pocket, you need either a briefcase or fewer keys. If you need to carry so many things with you at once that you need a special bag attached to you, this article doesn't apply to you because you are a woman. Special shout-out to people still wearing their cell phones in a holster on their belt. It's a phone, QuickDraw, not a Colt revolver. And you're a nerd, not a gunslinger.

3. Bolo Ties. Many people don't know that this is the name for those "String Ties" you see a lot of guys wearing. It's mostly a Western thing, accompanied by some other throwback to the post-Civl War days, such as handlebar moustaches and domestic violence. I was given one of these when I was fifteen. It was a star. Now I wish it was a Japanese throwing star so I could have shot out the eye of the person who gave it to me in the first place. Unless your name is "Tex" and you live in Texas and are regularly seen riding a bull or lassoing a steer, you need to not be wearing one of these. Learn to tie a four-in-hand or simply keep your collar open.

2. Crocs. If you see a man wearing Crocs, take them off his feet and beat him to death with them. These are shoes for children. They are convenient and easy to wash when your child pukes or shits on his feet. Or walks through someone else's puke or shit. They are not for grown men to wear simply because they have given up. There are plenty of shoes out there just as convenient and easy to wear as Crocs which make it possible to not look like a creepy uncle who sits alone and watches Nickelodeon sitcoms. If you must, wear a pair of clogs specifically made for men. And I don't care if they make Crocs in your size. They make bras in your size, too. Stop it.

1. Jewelry Outside the Shirt. Sometimes you just can't have it both ways. You have a great necklace you want people to see? That's adorable. So, go put on a standard button-up shirt and leave the collar open. You're cold and want something to keep your neck warm? A turtle neck is a great idea. But that necklace you're excited about showing off? It goes UNDER the turtle neck shirt, got it? Wearing your necklace outside your shirt is like wearing your socks over the cuffs of your jeans. Sometimes less is more, and seeing less of your accessory is more what you should be doing in this case. This also goes for men who wear their wristwatch over their shirt cuffs.

This is just a quick list of things men should not be wearing. But that list is actually much, much longer than five examples. I still didn't get to acid-wash jeans, pants with elastic waist bands, shoes with velcro for laces, socks with sandals, men over forty wearing shirts that read "Affliction" or "Tap Out", sneakers with suits, dangling earrings, and wallets with chains attached to the belt. But, now that I mention it, all of those things suck, as well. Got a fashion item you can't stand? Tell me about it.

5 Phrases People Need to Stop Saying Right Now

2011-06-08T04:59:00.000-07:00

There are phrases that come into the national consciousness all the time which sprout legs and become popular sayings or catchphrases amongst the masses. Such clever sayings can often be used to define an era or certain moment in time. "Totally Tubular" is forever--and thankfully--locked in the 80s, just as "Far Out, Man" can be quoted in any movie set in the late 60s. Unfortunately, almost all popular catchphrases and snarky comments have a limited shelf life. That doesn't change the fact that the masses will continue to use them long after they have become stale. Faster than you can say "Been There, Done That", here is a list of common phrases that have worn out their welcome.

5. "I Just Threw Up In My Mouth a Little Bit." This little nugget comes to us from the 2004 comedy flick Dodgeball. Christine Taylor says this line to Ben Stiller when he makes a pass at her in one scene. It's a funny line, and also ironic due to the fact that Taylor is married to Stiller in real life. In 2004, the line was very original and clever. Almost a decade later, it has become the go-to line for every girl in a bar being offered a drink she doesn't want and every Internet poster who sees a photo he doesn't like. It's not only a stale remark at this point, it's disturbing to think that there are apparently millions of people constantly throwing up in their mouths. Does no one make it to the toilet to puke anymore? Have we lost our ability to control our gag reflexes?

4. "That's of My Life I'll Never Get Back". You can thank the popularity of Internet "Comment" sections for this dandy phrase. Go to any random youtube page right now. Yes, right now. Chances are pretty good that, in the "Comments" section that follows any video on youtube, someone has decided to share their oh-so-clever opinion that the video did nothing but waste time for no good reason. The worst part about this remark is that it implies the person saying it somehow believes his time to be so important that he needs you to know that his precious minutes were wasted looking at something someone else posted online. If your time is so valuable to you, what are you doing on youtube in the first place? A truly narcissistic phrase, it also ignores the fact that the person who uses it wasted additional time thinking about and then writing it as a comment.

3. "That's Gonna Leave a Mark." This line was really funny when John Candy said it in 1987's Spaceballs. It even managed to be funny again when Chris Farley said it in the 1995 movie Tommy Boy. It was pretty tired by the time 2000 rolled around and Keanu Reeves said it in The Replacements. But that didn't stop Tim Allen from saying it in The Santa Clause 2 a couple of years later. Then it showed up in Dickie Roberts, Kangaroo Jack, and G-Force, to name a few. Yes, getting hit with blunt objects can and will often leave bruising, swelling, or scarring. There may just be a "mark" left where at the point of impact. Everyone now knows this, and movie characters can stop telling us about the likelihood of it happening. That includes commentators of home movies of men getting hit int he head or crotch.

2. "Epic Fail." Like most of the cliches on this list, this one comes to us courtesy of The Internet. These days, there's no quicker way for a phrase to get tossed around than on Message Boards, Comments Sections, or in those almost-extinct creations known as Chat Rooms. It's not enough to tell someone that they are wrong, or that their attempt at communication has not succeeded. Nay, we now need to let people know that they did not just fail, but that their failure was "Epic". There is no middle ground. Tried to convince someone of Evolution? Epic Fail. Showed a clip of you singing "My Heart Will Go On" but couldn't quite hit that one high note? Epic Fail. You actually have the balls to say you liked the movie Daredevil? Epic Fail. And you just made someone throw up in his mouth a little bit. Runner up: "MEH", although this one can still convey the right sentiment for at least another three weeks.

1. "LOL". It's likely that no single phrase has found its way into the public vernacular quite as quickly and overwhelmingly as "LOL". Meaning, of course, "laughing out loud", this phrase came to light in online chat rooms in the 90s. It was used to let a person know that another person found something really funny. Soon, it became the go-to response for almost everything, thanks to the popularity of cell phone text messaging. You were late to work today? LOL. You can't believe she wore that dress? LOL. You think that the other political party is ridiculous and you want to insult anyone who is a member of it? LOL. This little phrase is so overused, some people actually say it aloud. "He fell down those stairs! LOL!" The worst part about this phrase is that, much like the equally annoying "ROFL"--where no one is actually caught in a fit of laughter on the ground--the person using it is almost certainly not doing exactly what they say they are doing. The over-usage of this remark is so great, it has been ruined for those of us who have always used it sparingly and only when actually, you know, laughing...out loud.

"Here's a quarter, call someone who cares" was cute for five minutes. "Don't go away mad, just go away" was a douchey line from the get-go. There are snarky comments and catchphrases that come along all the time and find their way into the mouths of millions. These are My Five. What are some phrases you think need to go away right now?

5 Things Men's Magazine Need To Stop Printing

2011-01-15T10:20:00.001-08:00

The trusty Men's Magazine. It gets many a male through his morning. It's the perfect companion during air travel, sitting on the subway, or just pedaling on a stationary bike at the gym. There are fashion/lifestyle magazines like Details and Esquire and then fitness magazines like Men's Health and Men's Fitness, all of which help the average male to look and feel better. What else do each of these magazines have in common? Well, they pack their pages with tons of useless information every single month. Sure, there are great articles and interviews, but there's also a lot of nonsense, and the same nonsense over and over again. Below are Five Things Men's Magazines Need To Stop Printing.

5. Interviews With Celebrities About Their Diets. Men's Health is particularly guilty of this one. Every month, someone from Ryan Reynolds to Gerard Butler is interviewed about his diet and secrets to losing weight. You keep your carbs low after dinner, Mr. Reynolds? Wow. You do your cardio in the morning, Mr. Butler? Shocker. What each of these magazines glosses over every single month is that celebrities rarely choose their diet. When you make a zillion dollars per year and a major studio is putting another zillion dollars into your movie or TV show, there are people who are paid to keep celebrities thin and attractive. Tom Cruise is not leaning into the fridge, trying to decide if he should have turkey bacon or whole-wheat pasta. He has a nutritionist, a chef, and other experts who are paid to come up with his meals and--usually--prepare them. If everyone had personal chefs then everyone would be thin. Asking Hugh Jackman for his diet secrets is like asking Oprah about how to dry clean a shirt. Every month, this article could be two sentences: "Q: How do you stay thin?" "A: Someone tells me what to eat and makes it for me".

4. Articles About Products Readers Cannot Afford. Details is guilty of this one. Every month there's articles about the latest cars, gadgets, and whatever other toys the jet setting playboys of the upper crust are buying this week. Problem is that 90% of these toys, gadgets, and cars are out of the price range of the average guy reading the magazine. Sure, you could be a successful guy making good cash and still picking up a monthly magazine, but the average airport reader isn't buying that $250,000 Bentley that was reviewed this month. Ditto the "weekend getaway" to the Swiss Alps for $20,000. An article on the future of electric cars? Great. A review of the latest personal, one-seater, electric helicopter? Unnecessary. The guy who can afford that helo-pad in his backyard didn't find out about the newest billionaire toy in the pages of Esquire. He found out at the monthly Skull and Bones Society meeting.

3. Workout Tips From Celebrities. This goes right along with asking Jason Statham about his diet tips. You want to build muscle? There's no secret to it. Lift weights. Want nice pecs? Bench presses, dips, flys, and push-ups. Want to look like a celebrity? Hire a personal trainer who works out with you for at least an hour a day, six days per week. That's right, much like when they are trying to stay thin, celebrities hire people to help them achieve their goals. Hugh Jackman did not get to look like Wolverine in a few months by going to the gym three days per week and hitting the Pec Deck. He had a well-paid trainer that devoted most of his day to making sure the guy ran, lifted, squatted, and generally pushed his body to the limit...and almost every single day. Here's the thing about being a movie star: You've got time during the day. You're not stuck in a cubicle nor having to worry about picking the kids up after karate lessons. You have hours in which to train and get in shape. And you've got the money to pay someone to show you exactly what to do and how to do it and when to do it. And, when all else fails, celebrities have something many normal schmoes don't get to enjoy: Plastic Surgery.

2. Tips on What Brands To Buy This Season. Just like the average reader is not going down to the dealership and cruising for the latest Lamborghini, that same guy is not looking for the latest $5,000 suit to wear for a few months because it happens to be trendy. Most guys have suits that are classic in style and will likely last them for several years. Yet men's magazines will still pimp expensive clothes and trends that they readily admit in their own pages will likely only be a passing fad. The one-button suit is big right now? Great. Can I get it for $300 or less? No? Not interested. Sometimes these magazines have the balls to suggest the reader go out and spend upwards of three grand on an accessory....just for this year. Plenty of people buy Tag Hauer watches, but they don't toss them aside when Labor Day rolls around. Men pass watches on to their sons and grandsons; they don't replace them every fall like they do their tires....even the tires on that Lamborghini. These articles are a deception, of course. The magazines are getting a kick-back from these brands to pimp their products in the magazine. But, really, the $500 sweaters are just insulting, considering more men buy their clothes at Target than they do at the Hugo Boss store.

1. Interviews With Models/Actresses About Dating/Men. Every single men's magazine, every single month, has an interview with some model or actress (or both) and what she thinks about dating and sex. Wrapped in nothing but bedsheets and a pout, this millionaire hottie will tell all about her dating secrets, the type of man she wants to meet, and the secret to getting into her pants and--by default--into her heart.

Well, in actuality, celebrity women really only date rich, celebrity men. Every single article that interviews famous women about what they are looking for in a man should always begin with "After being absurdly rich and successful and hopefully more famous than I am, I seek a man who is ___________". In Playboy Magazine, the Playmates interviewed never say "I really want to have sex with an octogenarian who lays around in pajamas all day", yet Hugh Heffner seems to get a ton of hot twenty-somethings in his bed. Guess it's his quirky laugh and charming smile.

You want to know how to date a celebrity? Find a way to make millions of dollars first, then go and work on that "sense of humor". It's a waste of space to keep interviewing different women every month who give the same phony answers. Next time you read about some gorgeous actress talking about seeking a man who loves to read and make her laugh, check the news a month later and see if she's dating a quirky high school English teacher who writes greeting cards.

In fact, it's nearly impossible to name a model or actress who isn't dating or married to another millionaire. It's so rare, that, when it does happen, the tabloids go nuts reporting it. Julia Roberts is married to a camera operator. Then there's....um....there's....um....

5 Things From The 80s That Need A Comeback

2011-01-09T12:37:00.001-08:00

People often call the 80s "The Me Decade" because it was a period of glitz and glamor and excessiveness. Sure, we accumulated things we didn't need and spent money on flashy cars and clothes, but we sure did have fun doing it. That was the part of the 80s that people seem to often forget. So much of the 80s was about having fun. Were we greedy and selfish? Yes, but we made it seem like it was fun while we were doing it. The 90s and 00s gave way to the same self-indulgent narcissism, only it made being a depressing prick okay along the way. At least in the 80s we were happy-go-lucky assholes with nice hair. As we move into "The Teens" of the 21st century, there are parts of "The Me Decade" that can probably come back again. Below are five quick examples of ways we can become a fun group of people once again.

5. Happy Rap. There was a time, very briefly, when rap had nothing to do with depression, gang violence, calling people "bitches", or bragging about having tons of money. There was a time, in the 80s, when rap was about having fun at a barbecue and how cool it was to watch a basketball game. The Sugarhill Gang entertained us without shooting anyone in the face or calling anyone a "ho". Sure, Kurtis Blow handled social issues, as did Run DMC. But Blow also did commercials for Sprite and Run DMC sang about Adidas. This sort of rap brought us The Fresh Prince, who's biggest problems were his parents not understanding how much he wanted to drive their Porsche. When "Gangsta Rap" came along, it was cutting edge and new. Now it's norm in regards to rap. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's been about twenty years of people being angry and shooting each other. The 'teens are the perfect time for a return to Happy Rap. Bring on some Jazzy Jeff/Sugarhill Gang team-up albums!

4. Sitcoms. Yes, there are sitcoms still on TV. Shows like "Two and a Half Men, and "How I Met Your Mother" are watched by millions. Still, the 80s was really the heyday of THE sitcom. Today, medical/legal/crime dramas are the norm, while there remain only a few truly successful sitcoms on TV on any given network. In the 80s, it was not uncommon for there to be two hours of sitcoms on every network five nights a week! By the time "Seinfeld" came along, the death knoll had already been chimed for the classic 80s sitcom. Gone were "Very Special Episodes" and "Two-Parters", where our favorite TV families taught us to laugh and cry. Gone were the awkward episodes where characters embraced short-lived trends (Breakdancing, Laser Tag, Tommy Page) as if they would be around forever. As mocked as those sitcoms are, there obviously is still a desire for them, as the sitcoms that are on TV breed loyal followings and make a mint in syndication. On top of that, some of the highest-rated episodes of 90s sitcoms were the ones that came closest to being "Very Special". Remember how sad it was when Rachel left Ross? Enough with the mystery and the nerds solving murders with lasers. It's time for some Alan Thicke and Dave Coulier.

3. Keyboards/Synthesizers. Blame Grunge for killing keyboards. In the 80s, every song had a synthesizer in it. And we didn't care. We were damned happy to have those keyboards there. Even guitar-centric bands like Van Halen embraced the electric love given to us from plastic pianos. Then, around 1991, the mere inclusion of a synthesizer in your song made your band a bunch of losers. Nevermind the fact that guitars were also electric, it seemed wrong to play a piano that wasn't a baby grand, and even worse if you played it in a ballad about falling in love. I recently read an album review where the rock critic loved every aspect of the music...but mentioned the very existence of a synthesizer in the background as a weakness. The biggest reason for the keyboard backlash began with the general dismissal of all things 80s. Since keyboards found their way into almost every hit song in that decade (keyboards are all over Born in the USA, thank you very much), they were dismissed as Grunge/Alternative were embraced in the 90s. Every electric sound might as well be a keytar. The 'teens are the perfect time to let keyboards back into music, and not just by electronica artists. Hey, no one can really sing anymore (thanks, autotune!) so we can stop pretending that the only people allowed at the cool kids' table are the guitarists.

2. Fun Action Movies. Thank God for The Expendables. Sly Stallone was on to something when he brought us the 2010 actionfest. The fact that it was a huge hit is only proof that people want a return to watching movies where things get blowed up real good. Sure, action movies have been around forever, and didn't slow down that much in the 90s or 00s. But they weren't as much fun. Dark, gritty, and sometimes downright depressing, action movies over the past 20 years were missing a lot of the fun that those movies had in the 80s. Yes, the action was stupidly unrealistic (remember Arnold dropping from that plane in Commando?), and each of the movies followed an identical formula. But at least we enjoyed watching those movies and left the theater having seen exactly what we wanted. People blew stuff up, women bared their breasts, and muscle-bound dudes walked away at the end of the movie with a few scratches...promising us a sequel as Survivor played over the credits. The Expendables made a fortune, so it's obvious that people are ready for some good old, fun-filled action movies again. The 80s gave us Die Hard, for crissakes. The 00s gave us The Fast and the Furious. 'Nuff said.

1. TV Specials. The 60s was the decade of Variety Shows, but the 80s gave us TV specials. Christmas Specials, Halloween Specials, and random specials from musical stars of the day were always part of network programming. Sometimes these specials were just long ads for the network itself, such as when a network would do its "LOOK WHAT'S COMING THIS FALL" special. But sometimes it was just the celebrity of the day doing his own one-off. David Copperfield had about thirty seven regular specials, and Disney randomly decided to throw parties with pop bands of the day and old movie clips. What killed the TV Special? Cynicism. Acting/feeling light-hearted and child-like suddenly became very, very uncool. It became frowned upon to be silly, show up on a TV special, and laugh at yourself. Now that people are starting to realize just what assholes we became in the 90s, it's the perfect time to sit back and chuckle a little bit. How about a "Coldplay Christmas Special" this year? What about "Katy Perry's All-Star Halloween Party"? We need something we can put on TV, forget about, and then laugh about on DVD in another 15 years.

There are many things from the 80s that are due for a comeback. Perhaps it's time to fire up that Commodore 64 and bang out a list of examples. Sit back, put on your Glacier Glasses, smack that Slap-Wrap bracelet across your wrist while listening to your favorite cassette tape and tell everyone what 80s trend you wish would be new again.

Five Random Facts About "A Christmas Story"

2010-12-26T13:52:00.000-08:00

"You'll shoot your eye out!" is just as synonymous with Christmas these days as "You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch" and "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus". The quote comes from the 1983 movie A Christmas Story, where a young boy in pre-WWII Indiana dreams of having a Red Rider BB gun for Christmas. Hilarity follows as young Ralphie (played by Peter Billingsly) deals with an odd family, a local bully, and a malicious mall Santa. The movie is a modern classic, and is often show for 24 straight hours on cable TV every Christmas. Here are five random facts about this beloved Christmas movie.

5. Thank the Radio for This Movie. A Christmas Story is based on several short stories written by humorist/radio personality Jean Shepard. Several scenes in the movie were originally in the 1966 book In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash. Before that, a couple of the stories were published in Playboy magazine. Shepard had a popular late-night radio program for many years, where he often told stories (never scripted) about growing up in Indiana. Christmas Story director Bob Clark heard some of these broadcasts in the late 60s. and loved the story of a kid getting his tongue stuck to a pole. Clark became a fan of Shepard and spent years trying to get A Christmas Story made. By the way, Jean Shepard not only the wriote the movie, he is also the narrator and appears in a cameo role. When Ralphie arrives at the mall to visit Santa, Shepard tells the young boy where the back of the (really long) line really is.

4. Thank Naked Women for This Movie. Director Bob Clark tried for years to get A Christmas Story made, but holiday films were not nearly as popular in the early 80s as they since have become over the past several years. Getting a Christmas movie made, especially a period piece based on a series of short stories, was hard work. Then, in 1982, Clark directed one of the top-grossing movies of the year. The adult comedy Porky's was one of the most successful comedies ever made (and one of the top-grossing Canadian movies of all time), and its success made it possible for Clark to get the green light to work on his pet project. Thanks to the raunchy humor of a bunch of high-school kids spying on the girls' locker room, we now have one of the most celebrated family movies of all time.

3. It Had Several Sequels. Shepard wrote many stories about his childhood in Indiana and the misadventures of his family, many of which found their way into other books and, of course, on his radio broadcasts. In 1994, nine years after A Christmas Story, Shepard and Clark teamed up again for the sequel It Runs in the Family. Released on DVD under its original title, My Summer Story, the movie even featured bully Scut Farcus and The Bumpuses. Unfortunately, the film came too many years after the original and was mostly overlooked at the box office. The all-new cast and sudden change in title (from Summer Story to Runs in the Family) didn't help it. Although director Clark was not involved, author/narrator Shepard made three TV movies starring Ralphie and his family, all of which were produced by Disney and PBS in the late 80s. Also of note: A Christmas Story is also now a hit play, with a hit version recently produced in 2010 by Peter Billingsly himself.

2. It Was Not a Box Office Smash. Hard to believe that this Christmas gem, now beloved by millions and routinely topping many people's "Best Christmas Movie" lists, was pretty much overlooked in its initial release. A Christmas Story debuted quietly the weekend before Thanksgiving in 1983. Critics were mixed on it, with many dismissing it as silly family nonsense. Other critics, such as Leonard Maltin, raved about it and urged people to see it out. The film was not an outright bomb at the box office, but certainly no one expected it to become the classic it is today. By the time Christmas rolled around in 1983, it was barely showing in theaters anymore and mostly forgotten by Hollywood. It wasn't until multiple airings on HBO and home video release that the film spawned the loyal following that it has today.

1. You Can Still Buy "The Leg Lamp". A key scene in A Christmas Story involves Ralphie's father winning a very sexy (and risque for the times) lamp as a "major award" from the local newspaper. A woman's leg, complete with fishnet stockings and stiletto heel, the lamp mortifies Ralphie's mother, despite the pride on the face of "the old man". Soon after, the lamp is accidentally destroyed by Ralphie's mom and quietly buried in the back yard. Just like the movie itself, The Leg Lamp has gone on to attract quite the following. For years, only one manufacturer made the infamous lamp and sold it via mail order. These days, however, several online companies make versions of the lamp, several of which carry the "Official Christmas Story Merchandise" banner. A quick online search and you can own your very own "major award".

Now that you've learned several random facts about A Christmas Story, all you need to do is run home, pull your decoder ring out of the mailbox, and find out if there are any secret messages Little Orphan Annie needs you to know about the holiday. Enjoy your Christmas, and try not to shoot your eye out this year.

Five Random Facts About "It's a Wonderful Life"

2010-12-25T20:03:00.000-08:00

It's a Wonderful Life has become a holiday tradition in America as much as Christmas trees, Mistletoe and TV Specials with Charlie Brown. The 1946 motion picture is shown on TV every single year during the Christmas season, and remains one of the most popular (and acclaimed) movies of all time. Here are five random facts about the classic Jimmy Stewart flick.

5. We have two favorite Muppets because of it. Two of the characters in the movie who befriend (and receive loans from ) George Bailey (James Stewart) are the local cab driver and local policeman. The two characters are often side-by-side and show up throughout the movie. The cab driver's name is Ernie and the policeman's name is Bert. These names were remembered by Muppet creator Jim Henson years later when he created two beloved charactes for the PBS kids' staple Sesame Street. These days, more people know the Muppets than the two characters in the 1946 movie.

4. The Pharmacist is Named for The Movie Studio. Child labor laws were not in 1946 what they are today, as can be seen in the opening scenes of It's a Wonderful Life. George Bailey has an after-school job at the age of twelve, working at Mr. Gower's Pharmacy. A key scene in the the movie involves George's relationship with Mr. Gower, the sad (and drunk) pharmacist who just lost a son to influenza. The name Gower was not a coincidence, however, as it was the name of the street where Columbia Pictures was located in the 40s. Also on Gower Street? A pharmacy used by studio employees. Also of note was the fact that HB Warner, the actor who played pharmacist Gower in the movie, actually studied medicine.

3. It Was Not a Box Office Smash. It's a Wonderuf Life was originally to be released in January, 1947. Besides taking place around Christmastime, the movie is not actually a Christmas film. Frank Capra and the Columbia Pictures were so confident that the public would love the flick, however, that they moved the release date up to December 1946, hoping it would fare better for an Oscar Award. As it turns out, there was less competition in 1947, as Life had to compete against pictures like The Best Years of Our Lives and the original Miracle on 34th Street. Life made back its budget (around 3 million dollars), but was expected to pull in over six. It placed 26th that year and was met with mixed reviews. Many critics even hated the film and called it a Capra failure, saying it was pandering and silly. It was not until the 70s, when the movie was released on TV that it became the classic that we know it as today...a surprise to everyone involved in the original production.

2. Young George Really Bled. The relationship between Mr. Gower (the pharmacist) and young George Bailey is a key turning point in the opening scenes of the movie. We are seen the impact young George has on another person's life, something which becomes a theme throughout the movie. During this scene, where George informs the old pharmacist that he has made a terrible mistake, Mr. Gower gets agnry and slaps young Bailey, numerous times, across the face. George Bailey is struck so hard, his ear (rendered deaf years before in an accident) begins to bleed. This is not a special effect. During filming of this scene, HB Warner (the actor playing Mr. Gower) actually struck young actor Bobbie Anderson across the ear, causing it to really bleed.

1. Several Endings Were Considered. These days, the ending of It's a Wonderful Life stands as a classic ending to a classic film. It has been re-created on many TV shows and sitcoms over the year, and is a film ending that millions of people know as one of their favorites. It is not, however, the ending that was originally written or planned. Several were considered along the way, includng an ending with George Bailey dropping to his knees and reciting The Lord's Prayer, having his bad luck suddenly reversed. In fact, the famous ending with families and friends donating money to the Bailey's was added on after other endings were deemed too serious or not moving enough. In the original script, mean old Mr. Potter get his just desserts when Uncle Harry remembers (thanks Clarence!) what happened to the missing cash. This ending was parodied on a classic Saturday Night Live episode in the 80s, where the Baileys and friends beat the snot out of the awful Mr. Potter. Little did the people at SNL know, their sketch wasn't that much of a stretch after all.

It's hard to believe that It's a Wonderful Life wasn't always the holiday classic we know it as today. Despite some mixed reviews from some very Scrooge-ish critics of the day, the film was not the box office bomb it has often been called, although it was hardly a Christmas blockbuster. Still, it has managed to survive decades of changing tastes, cynical critics, and even some bad colorization along the way. Shown several times throughout December, the movie is now one of the most acclaimed American pieces of cinema ever made, and one that should be seen by every family at least once.

Five Random Facts About Classic Christmas Songs

2010-12-23T15:16:00.000-08:00

For about six weeks at the end of every year, people everywhere are bombarded with the sounds of Christmas songs filling the air. The department stores play holiday tunes like crazy, and several radio stations go "All Christmas" for the month of December. Every song has a story, and here are Five Random Facts about some of your favorite Holiday Songs.

5. Wham! Got Sued For "Last Christmas". In 1984, the single "Last Christmas" hit #2 on the UK Christmas Singles Chart, a coveted spot for European artists. It lost the #1 spot to Band-Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" charity song for African famine, but was still the biggest selling UK single at the time to not reach #1. An enormous hit, still covered by artists to this day, "Last Christmas" sounded familiar to Arnold/Martin/Morrow, the songwriting team behind "Can't Smile Without You", a huge hit song for Barry Manilow in the late 70s. The publishing company behind "Can't Smile" sued George Michael (songwriter of "Last Christmas") for using the same melody, and the case was settled out of court, with the money going to the Band-Aid charity.

4. "Have Yourself" Was a Depressing Little Christmas Song. In 1944, Judy Garland sang "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" in the movie Meet Me In St. Louis, introducing the world to an instant holiday classic. When Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane originally wrote the song, however, the lyrics were quite different than the song everyone has come to know and love. The opening lyrics to the song originally were "Have yourself a merry, little Christmas...it may be your last". Considering that the song was being sung by a mother to her daughter, these lyrics were, needless to say, a tad bit depressing. Other lyrics about how the new year is going to essentially be miserable ("faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us NO more") were also removed. Also excised was the word "Lord", replaced by "Fates", to make the song more secular. The changes helped the song, apparently, since the song has become one of the top five most-recorded Christmas songs in history.

3. We Almost Had Tinkle In Our "Silver Bells". Jay Livingston and Ray Evans wrote the 1950 Christmas song "Silver Bells" as a reference to the Salvation Army, whose workers stand on street corners every Christmas and ring hand bells while seeking donations. The song is noteworthy for being one of the first Christmas songs to focus on city life, and not the rural Christmas setting popularized in many holiday songs. When they originally wrote the song, however, Livingston and Evans wrote the title and chorus as "Tinkle Bells". They thought of the tinkling sound they heard coming from the street corner bellringers. When Livingston's wife heard their original idea, she informed her husband how people were most-commonly using the word "tinkle" those days. Rather than let this bad news pee on their parade, Livinston and Evans changed the name and chorus to "Silver Bells", sparing themselves embarrassment and giving the world one of the greatest Christmas songs ever written.

2. A Heat Wave Inspired Some Chestnut Roasting. 1944's "The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)" became a huge hit for singer/songwriter Mel Torme and his writing partner Bob Wells. The Nat King Cole version of the song is called by most the definitive version of the song and easily was the biggest success of Cole's career. Since then, it has become one of the most-recorded Christmas songs in history, and it all began in the middle of July. During what was a blisteringly hot summer, co-writer Wells was hating the heat and dreaming of cooler days, still months away. He wrote down things to make him feel cooler on a notepad ("chestnuts", "Jack Frost"), which Torme found sitting on the piano and asked about. From there, it only took forty minutes in the middle of summertime for the two men to write one of the most beloved wintertime classics of all time.

1. "White Christmas" Beats Everybody. In 1941, when Bing Crosby recorded and released the song "White Christmas", he didn't think anything was terribly special about it. He told Irving Berlin, the song's composer, that he thought it was a fine song with "no problems". He also thought that anyone could have made the song popular and downplayed his role in its success. The song didn't perform that well when it was initially released (for the movie Holiday Inn) but suddenly took off a year later in 1942. It charted numerous times over the next several years and was one reason Billboard Magazine created a chart just for Christmas songs. It's not only the most popular Christmas song ever recorded, it's the biggest-selling single ever made. Guinness Book of World Records lists it as such and Crosby's version alone has sold over fifty million copies worldwide.

Christmas songs are enormously popular, otherwise people wouldn't keep writing them, re-writing them, and re-recording them every single year. Bing Crosby became the biggest-selling artist of all time with "White Christmas", and artists from Mariah Carey to Manheim Steamroller have become millionaires based on their Christmas songs alone. As new songs come along, so will new stories and legends to be told about each of them. These are five little-known stories about five songs you may very well know by heart. What are some of your favorite Christmas songs?

5 Random Facts About Classic Christmas TV Specials

2010-12-22T19:52:00.000-08:00

You'd better watch out. Why? Because Santa Claus is coming to town. How do we know this? Because that song is played over and over again on the radio for six weeks every year. Not only that, but the popular kids holiday song is also a very popular TV special. In fact, there are very few popular Christmas songs that have not been turned into TV specials or movies for the holiday season. Everyone has a favorite Christmas TV special, and below are five random facts about some that might just be on your "Best Of" list every year.

5. You've Probably Never Seen Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town In Its Entirety. This 1970 Rankin-Bass production (the same Rankin-Bass that produced tons of holiday TV specials) starred Mickey Rooney as the voice of Kris Kringle, otherwise known as Santa Claus. With Fred Astaire lending his voice (and likeness) as the narrator, this special told the story of Santa's origin and rise to fame. Although a holiday staple constantly played every year on TV, The "Santa Claus is Comin'" special that most people see is a shortened version of the original 1970 broadcast. To make room for commercials, several songs have been cut over the years, including one considered a bit sappy for kids (Love songs! Blech!) and one deemed a bit too harsh, where the villain (The Burgermeister!) sets fire to toys. All of the cut scenes appear on the DVD releases, however, for those who wish to see this TV classic in its entirety.

4. Twas The Night Before Christmas Edited Old Songs Because of Modern Slang. The 1974 animated Twas The Night Before Christmas featured the story of a little town being passed over by Santa Claus one Christmas, all because of a prank played by the son of a local mouse. Yes, a mouse. Featuring voice work by Broadway legend Joel Grey, "Twas" has some very recognizable holiday songs in it, most notably "Even a Miracle Needs a Hand", sung by Grey as the aforementioned mouse. Over the years, however, the original song "Give Your Heart a Try" has typically been cut from the TV broadcasts. The song was cut because of lyrics that mention how the holiday really is very "gay", which was used, of course, to mean "happy". These days, the word "gay" typically means something completely different (or the same, if you think about it). Because of the change in meaning, the song is often cut out of TV broadcasts. Like many TV specials with parts edited out, the DVD of "Twas" includes the song.

3. Santa Almost Forgot The Misfit Toys. The song "The Most Wonderful Day of The Year" has become a holiday favorite. It originally was sung by the sad Misfit Toys in 1964's legendary TV special Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer. Stuck on an island with toys no kid could ever want, Rudolph befriends such toys as a choo-choo with square wheels and Charlie-In-The-Box ("Nobody Wants a Charlie-In-The-Box!"), and promises to return with Santa Claus and find each of the Misfit Toys. In the original 1964 broadcast special, however, Rudolph never returns. The special ends with our hero guiding Santa's sleigh and becoming the legendary reindeer who would go down in his-stor-y. Parents wrote and called to complain that there was no closure with the Misfit Toys. What became of the choo-choo with square wheels? To appease upset viewers, the producers (Rankin-Bass) included a scene the following year with the lovable Misfits being picked up by Santa and ol' Rudolph, bring joy to children (and their parents) everywhere. The scene has been included ever since.

2. Magoo Did It First. With such popular Christmas TV specials as Rudolph and How The Grinch Stole Christmas airing on broadcast television every single year, there are bound to be several that don't get as much attention as the years roll on. For every Grinch there is a Cricket on the Hearth. One special that remains more of a cult classic than enormous holiday event is Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. In this animated story, the near-sighted Mr. Magoo plays Ebeneezer Scrooge in a re-telling of the classic Dickens tale. What many people do not realize is that Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol is the first-ever animated special made specifically for broadcast television. Airing originally in 1962, the special pre-dates Rudolph, The Grinch, and even Charlie Brown. Many consider this to be the Cream of the Crop in regards to Christmas specials, mostly because of the music by Broadway composers Merrill and Styne (Funny Girl) and great voice work by Jim Backus (Thurston Howell III to TV fans) as Magoo. Every year, Magoo's Scrooge often places in the Top Five of listener polls of favorite Carol adaptations, proving that it has a bigger fan club than many realize.

1. The Anti-Commercial Peanuts Were Pretty Commercial. Although it is now considered by many to be the definitive Christmas television special, A Charlie Brown Christmas almost never made it to air. The 1965 special was produced on a shoestring budget, contained several editing flaws, and even had Linus quoting The Bible on prime-time television. The special was, of course, an enormous hit and many today praise its sentiment and the anti-commercialism message it teaches. In 1965, however, this special was pretty commercial itself, and even included product placement throughout. Today, opening credits have erased a scene where Linus crashes through a billboard for Coca-Cola, the special's original sponsor. Also removed since is a scene where the gang throws snowballs at a Coke can (the can was replaced by an unlabeled can in later broadcasts) and, in the closing credits, a voice-over telling everyone that the special was brought to you by--you guessed it--COKE!

By the time December arrives every year, kids from one to ninety-two will flock to the TV to watch their favorite annual holiday specials. New ones are created every year, but the classics will remain and make new fans out of younger viewers each Christmas. Behind each TV special there is a story, and sometimes that little bit of history is just as interesting as the program itself. These are just Five Random Facts about some Christmas specials you may love. What are some of your favorites not mentioned on this list?

A Tea Party Christmas Carol

2010-12-16T15:26:00.000-08:00

Marley was long dead, but this was fine with Scrooge. Scrooge had managed to make himself complete beneficiary of Marley's will and, due to the repeal of the Estate Tax, Scrooge was able to pocket a nice hefty sum from Marley's estate and put it right into the bank, where rich people like him always put their money.

Sitting at his lonely desk by himself was Bob Cratchit, the sole remaining employee at "Scrooge and Marley", since Scrooge had laid off the rest of the staff and outsourced the rest of their business overseas. With profits through the roof, productivity at an all-time high, Scrooge had more time to blame the economy on why he hadn't hired more employees. Cratchit easily did most of the work, but the gap in pay between the two of them was over 500%, since Scrooge was the CEO of his "small business".

Leaving for the day, Cratchit tipped his hat to Mr. Scrooge, "Happy Holidays, Mr. Scrooge!"

"Holidays?" Scrooge said, "Bah, humbug! It's 'Merry Christmas', and how dare you even attempt to include others in this time of year. How dare you not validate my religious beliefs for me or attempt to include those of other faith into this time of year. By not recognizing only my faith you are completely disrespecting it. This War on Christmas has gone on too long!"

On his way home, Scrooge drove his Hummer through the streets shivered at the sight of all that snow. It was cold out, and that was all the proof he needed that Global Warming is a hoax. Besides, most scientists made less money than he did, so how smart could they possibly be?

As he drove, he listened to his favorite AM talk radio show where he got the "news" that told him what he wanted to hear. He heard something about the cost of the wars in the Middle East, but didn't pay attention to it. Ever since his bank was bailed out and he didn't have to worry about his losing the money he gambled in the Stock Market, Scrooge had turned his attention to really important matters...like big government spending and the deficit. He had no time to even think about the wars and hadn't thought about them since around January 2008. That was around the time he decided that spending was out of control.

Oh, he was very angry about spending when Bush was in office for eight years...he just never told anyone about it. He told people that he was critical of Bush, despite the sweet tax cuts he received during that time...he just never said anything during the eight years Bush was in office. When January 2008 rolled around, he finally had to start telling people how upset he was. Sure, Scrooge always voted straight down the Republican line, but he firmly considered himself something different and told people he was critical of Republicans, too. Mostly, though, Scrooge just didn't like Democrats. He didn't call himself a Republican, but he still voted and acted just like one.

That night, as he lay in his bed, Scrooge was visited by The Ghost of Jacob Marley.

"I wear the chains of my greed," said Marley's Ghost, "I was greedy and selfish and uncharitable."

"I give to charity all the time," Scrooge said, "especially if I can use it as a deduction. What's more Christian than that? Besides, I want to choose which charities I tell people I'm giving to, rather than have the Government do it for me. The Government would just ruin everything and give it to people who are nothing like me! Why would I want that?"

"You pay less in taxes than Americans ever have," said Marley's Ghost, "yet you started complaining in 2008 that it's unfair to be you. You never complained about big government when it was bigger than it is now."

"But I love my country," Scrooge said, "I just hate paying taxes to it. This country made me rich! I love that, I just don't see how I owe it anything in return. I love being American; I just hate most other Americans. That makes sense, right? Right?"

Marley warned Scrooge that he would be visited that night by Three Spirits, and so he was. The Ghost of Christmas Past came to Scrooge and showed him what his life had been like as a young man. It was then that Scrooge saw his former boss, Mr. Fezziwig. Fezziwig had given Scrooge his start in business, and was known to be a fair and giving employer.

"Bah, humbug," said Scrooge, "That no good Socialist! He could have made more money if he'd laid off half his staff, shipped the jobs overseas, and convinced his remaining employees to vote against their own self interests. Then, he could have had half the staff do twice the work. Profits would have gone up and he could have complained that the current administration wasn't creating enough jobs. Then he could have asked for more tax cuts and put that money in the bank."

The Ghost reminded Scrooge that, when he was younger, Scrooge wanted to help others and had a kinder heart.

"Bah," Scrooge said and proceeded to mis-quote Churchill, "'Anyone who is Liberal and over 30 has no brain."

Soon after, Scrooge was visited by The Ghost of Christmas Present. The Spirit showed Scrooge the home of Bob Cratchit and his ailing son, Tiny Tim. Cratchit was on hard times, trying to raise a family on the salary that Scrooge always refused to raise.

"Not my problem," Scrooge said, "if he's not making enough money he can go work at Starbucks part-time."

"But Tiny Tim is very ill," The Spirit said, "And the benefits you provide do not cover most medical expenses."

"So I suppose that health care should just be free for people?" Scrooge asked, "Then immigrants and pathetic drug addicts and welfare mothers will overrun our emergency rooms. People will expect my taxes to go to pay for the well-being of people nothing like me. I'll have to care about others I don't know and pay taxes while doing it. What's Christ-like about that? Besides, the government can't do anything right. I love America, remember? I just don't believe in anything the government does. Except the military. I love that. In fact, I hear there's a war going on somewhere. I think. But, other than that, the government sucks. The government has no right to tell anyone how to live their lives...unless we're talking about gay people."

"Tiny Tim gets no help from your insurance company because he has a pre-existing condition," said the Spirit.

"There's going to be flaws in the system," said Scrooge, "Doesn't mean we should all be Communists. Besides, why should I be made to care about some sick kid I don't even know? It's not like he's an unborn fetus!"

"You could pay Cratchit a more respectable wage," said the Spirit, "and hire more help with the profits you have made. You could boost the economy by creating jobs within your company and making a smaller gap between your salary and that of your workers."

"Look, you Socialist Liberal," Scrooge said to The Spirit, "Don't make me draw a Hitler mustache on this photo I have of you on my protest sign."

The Spirit said, "You misspelled 'Socialist'".

After that, Scrooge was visited by The Spirit of Christmas Future. Immediately, Scrooge was suspicious because he was pretty certain that the Spirit could not provide him with a long-form Death Certificate. When the Spirit rolled its eyes at the very question, Scrooge muttered about "wanting his country back".

Then the Spirit showed Scrooge the future. There, he saw that there was no Middle Class. There were enormous banks and corporations that paid almost no taxes. There were wealthy CEOs who gave themselves enormous bonuses after begging for taxpayer money so they wouldn't fail. There were judges who invested in insurance companies and made profits based on medical earnings who were busy declaring Health Care Reform Unconstitutional. There were old people working up to the age of 75. People screamed that their guns were being taken away from them while legally carrying the very guns they screamed about. And people everywhere were angry at paying taxes without realizing that their taxes had gone down and had been going down for years.

"Actually, I'm still here," said the Ghost of Christmas Present, "You were looking at right now."

And so it was, as Tiny Tim coughed shortly before dying, "Merry Christmas to all. We're f*&%ed."

5 Random Facts About Santa Claus

2010-12-09T23:02:00.000-08:00

Up on the rooftop, reindeer pause. Out jumps...well, you know who. Whenever the air gets cold and the Christmas lights come out, children of all ages eagerly await the return of Santa Claus. Known by many names all over the world, Father Christmas is one of the most lasting figures in history. He's everything from a mythical father figure to a kick-ass salesman of soft drinks. Here are a few random facts about the jolly old one to keep you busy while you sit up waiting for those reindeer to land on your roof.

5. Santa Is Many Legends Rolled Into One. Santa Claus as we know him now is a combination of many historical and mythical persons. For instance, the Pagan God Voden was said to fly in a chariot, looking over villagers to see if they were bad or good. The historical Saint Nicholas was very real and bishop in 4th century Turkey. The patron saint of children, the day of his death (December 6th) was celebrated for centuries and gifts were exchanged as part of this tradition. In the 16th century, Protestant reformers discouraged the celebrating of Saint Nicholas and instead introduced the tradition of gifts being delivered by The Christ Child himself. The "Christkringle", as he was known, delivered gifts on December 25th: Christ's Mass. Converted Dutch sailors, however, were not quick to give up their Saint Nicholas tradition. They brought the legend with them to the New World. Sinterklaus, as he was known, eventually became "Santa Claus". And, somehow, "Christkringle" became "Kris Kringle", another name for jolly ol' Saint Nick.

4. Thomas Nast Deserves a Ton of Credit. From 1860 to 1890, Thomas Nast was an editorial cartoonist for the magazine Harper's Weekly. Though many artists before him had illustrated Santa Claus (most notably Henry Underdunk, who is considered the first artist to popularize the character), Nast's rendition of St. Nick became the definitive version on which all others were based thereafter. Before then, many depicted Santa as tall and thin or tiny and elfin. Nast brought a truly human appearance to Claus, complete with his jolly face, rosy cheeks, and round belly. Nast also was the first person to put Santa's home at the North Pole, a toy workshop, and the infamous "Nice or Naughty" list.

3. The First Department Store Santa Was in 1890. James Edgar was a popular department store owner in Brockton, Massachusetts. He was known to try all sorts of gimmicks and tricks in order to entertain customers and attract them to his store. He was also known for holding parades and events for local children and often dressed up in silly costumes for both them and his would-be patrons. Edgar was known to disguise himself as George Washington in July and sometimes dressed as an Indian. In 1890, Edgar began dressing as Santa Claus in his store and greeting the children of Brockton. His name is now legend in that city and the site of his store is a local landmark.

2. The First "Santa Claus" Movie was released in 1903. The rare silent film called "A Fantasy Actually Filmed in Northern Alaska" was produced by Mr. and Mrs. FE Kleinschmidt right at the beginning of the 20th century. The film depicted Santa Claus looking exactly as we now know him, in the costume that is now famous, and even in a sleigh being led by reindeer. During the short film, Claus is seen checking in on people all over the world (actually in one city) as they are either naughty or nice. He peers at them from his northern home (Alaska?!) via a long telescope, while making notes on his infamous "list".

1. NORAD Tracks Santa...Because of a Mistake. In 1955, as part of a marketing campaign, a Sears store in Colorado posted a phone number in an advertisement flier given out to customers. As it turns out, the number was a typo. It was, in fact, the phone number to The North America Air Defense Command (NORAD). The fine military folks at NORAD were then overrun with phone calls from Colorado children wondering where Santa was and when he was coming to their homes. In response, NORAD set up it's own "Santa Tracking" system. Every year, you can check on Santa's whereabouts by logging in at noradsanta.org.

Now that you've learned five random things about Santa Claus, you have something to feel "Nice" about this holiday season. Now go get some milk and cookies ready, jump in bed, and wait for Christmas morning. Maybe you'll find something nice in your stocking this year.

5 Christmas Myths

2010-12-07T12:04:00.000-08:00

The Holiday Season is full of wonderful stories and legends, many of which may warm your heart during the coldest part of the year. Many more are there to teach you a little bit about history, faith, and tradition. Jumbled right there in the middle somewhere is a ton of urban legends and myths that many people still pass long every single year as facts. Below is a quick list of myths about Christmas (and the holiday season in general) that you might not know aren't any more real than...well...you-know-who.

5. The Twelve Days of Christmas is a Secret Code-Word Song. For years during the 16th to 19th centuries in England, it was prohibited by law to be a Catholic. It's from this point in history that get get the myth of the origin of The Twelve Days. The legend has it that each of the presents in Twelve Days represents something from The Bible and Christian theology. The "two turtle doves" represent the Old and New Testament, the "partridge" is Jesus himself, and so on. The legend has it that the song was taught as code to Christians everywhere, as they were not permitted to have written Christian literature. But that itself is a myth in that the Anglicans, who banned Catholicism for those 270 years in England, practiced all of the tenants of Christianity found in the supposed codes. Mostly, however, the myth makes no sense because none of the "Codes" really line up with what they are supposed to represent. Do Five Gold Rings really make you remember The first five books of the Old Testament? Also, if practicing Christianity were illegal in parts of the world, wouldn't Christmas songs be illegal, as well? In truth, Twelve Days is just a silly song about gifts during the Christmas Holiday, just like it sounds.

4. Santa Claus' Image Was Invented By Coca-Cola. These days, the Coca-Cola Company's Santa Claus ads and commercials are every bit as a tradition as the jolly ol' fat man himself. So much so that many people now insist that Coke actually invented the image of Claus as we know it, including the red and white uniform worn by Mr. Kringle, coincidentally the same colors used by Coke itself. Originally a marketing gimmick to get people to buy more Coke in the wintertime, Coke's Santa came to popularity in the 1930s. By that time, the red-and-white Santa had already been depicted by numerous artists in magazine and ads dating back to the turn of the century. Political cartoonist Thomas Nast drew one of the first depictions of Claus as a rotund man in 1863. Before that, Claus was usually depicted as being tall and thin. For many years, Santa was drawn however the artist in question liked, often as an elf. Yes, the Coke Santa endures to this day, although that depiction likely owes as much thanks to Norman Rockwell as it does to America's favorite soft drink.

3. "Xmas" is an Attempt to Take "Christ" out of "Christmas". Every year people send around angry letters, petitions, emails, articles, blogs, and candy-grams about how angry they are at where The Christmas Season is going. People decry anger at those who are "taking 'Christ' out of 'Christmas'" and attempting to completely do away with the religious aspects of Christmas Day. People accuse others of "X-ing out" Christ from His own holiday. In actuality, using an "X" in the term "Xmas" is not a new thing being used by non-Christians as a means to disrespect the religious holiday. The truth is that the term "Xmas" dates back as far as Christianity. The "X" comes from the Roman alphabet symbol for the Greek letter "Chi", which was used, of course, in the word "Christ". In fact, for centuries, people have written "Xian" when referring to Christians, Xmas is used neither out of disrespect nor to take any religious aspects of Christmas out of the word or holiday. The word is usually used simply as an abbreviation. With text messaging more popular ever, it's a word that's likely to stick around for a bit, just like Christmas itself.

2. Suicide Rates Jump During The Holidays. While the holidays are so joyful for millions of people every single year, there are also millions of people who get depressed during this time of year. This particular myth comes from the belief that so many people cannot stand all that cheer around them while they are lonely and, therefore, commit suicide at a greater rate than the rest of the year. In fact, the suicide rates tend to be lower during the Holiday Season than they are during most other points of the year. Even lonely people find themselves surrounded by festivities and other distractions during the season that keep their depression on hold. More people reach out to lost relatives and friends and co-workers during this season than most. As it turns out, the suicide rates are higher after New Year's than they are before, but this is mostly due to post-holiday depression and the reality of returning to work and life in the "Real World". Post-Christmas Depression is, in fact, more real than the supposed spike in Christmas-related suicides every year.

1. Boxing Day is About Punching People in The Face. Ah, Boxing Day. It's a special time in Canada and The UK when people get together and knock each other around, trying to smash their fists into the faces of their loved ones and co-workers. Okay, so no one really thinks that Boxing Day has anything to do with being a pugilist, the day is a major holiday to people in The Great White North and many other parts of the world, celebrated on the 26th of December. While no one really knows how far Boxing Day goes back or what it's original origins are, the day has become synonymous with being a day of giving to others. Consider it "Christmas II", if you will. Some say it dates back to wealthy business owners giving "boxes" of gifts to their employees, masters giving their servants a day off after Christmas, or even churches opening their "boxes" and giving money to the poor. Likely, it's all of these things. These days, it's mstly a very commercial holiday, often boasting bigger sales than the American "Black Friday" (Day After Thanksgiving) shopping extravaganza.

There are as many myths about the Christmas season as there are facts. These are simply five of them and now you can debunk anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. If you forget, just remember the number 5. "5 Golden Myths" is a great song you can sing and pass along to your children for years to come, just in case telling the truth about myths is ever outlawed.

5 Random Facts About Christmastime

2010-12-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

As the holiday season draws near, I figured now was the perfect time to give you fine readers some random facts that you might not know about Christmas, December, and the Holiday Season in general. Grab a cup of egg nog and enjoy!

5. The Average North American Takes Six Months To Pay Off Christmas Debt. That's right, you are not the only one. If you thought you were alone when it comes to overspending during the holidays, you were wrong. In fact, most North Americans (Yes, that includes Canada) spend half a year paying off the debt acquired each holiday season, just barely giving themselves enough time to get ready for next year's holiday. Visa credit cards are reported to be used over 5,000 times every minute in the final weeks leading up to Christmas.

4. December Is The Most Popular Month For Nose Jobs. Is it because no one wants to show up at the holiday party with the shnozz they hate so much? Who knows? But all numbers point to December as being the month when most people get a little rhinoplasty done by their local plastic surgeon. Do they ask for a nose job from Santa or merely use their Christmas bonus to make it happen? The general assumption is that the holiday season allows the most time off from work to recover from this simple (but sometimes bruising) procedure. So, go enjoy your new face, Rudolph!

3. The Christmas Tree Business Is Booming. Despite the fact that artificial trees sell very well, real live Christmas trees still outsell their fake counterparts. Every year in North America, people buy upwards of 3o million "live" Christmas trees. That's almost the entire population of Canada. Artificial trees are being sold more and more every year, however, making their biggest jump in sales during the 2007 season, where there were over 17 million sold. That's up from the 9 million sold in 2006. Being a Christmas tree farmer is a full-time job, as they are sold to both businesses and private homes alike. The artificial tree market certainly isn't struggling, either.

2. Rudolph was a "MAD MEN" ploy. Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, is obviously the most famous reindeer of all. But it wasn't always so. In fact, in the original "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" by Clement Clarke Moore, Rudy wasn't even mentioned. It wasn't until 1939 that our favorite reindeer came to life in a poem written by Robert L. May as an ad campaign for the Montgomery Ward department store chain. Montgomery Ward gave away coloring books every Christmas and decided in 1939 to come up with their own story. May wrote "Rudolph" and the chain gave away over 2 million copies of the book. May's brother in-law, Johnny Marks, wrote the popular song that became an instant classic, the number two selling single of all time for over thirty years. That said, the lyrics to the song are actually quite different than the actual poem written for the popular coloring book.

1. Santa Claus Has a Canadian Address. Is it any surprise to learn that Jolly Ol' Saint Nick dwells in the Great White North? Why not? After all, it's pretty darned close to the North Pole, it's often freezing cold, and there's plenty of carb-heavy food (like poutine!) to keep his belly just like a bowlful of jelly. Around 1982, tired of kids' letters to Santa always piling up at random post offices all over the country, Canada Post officially gave Santa Claus his own Postal Code. Ready for this? It's H0H 0H0. Yes, that's "HO HO HO" to those of you who haven't figured it out. This one is exclusive to Santa Claus, and every letter that has THIS postal code will get there, regardless of the address on the envelope. Of the upwards of 1 million letters sent to Santa Claus at THIS postal code every year, every single one is answered in the language in which it was received. Canadians are so polite, especially Canadian elves!

Now run out and tell all your friends in the neighborhood all the great things you learned today about Christmas. Then challenge them to a snowball fight and run home for a cup of hot chocolate!

5 Random Facts About Thanksgiving.

2010-11-24T23:08:00.000-08:00

Turkey Day is upon us, and millions of Americans will consume over forty-five million of those delicious feathered beasts this year. As we sit down to give Thanks to food, family, and fowl, here are some random facts to ponder as you attempt to digest the estimated 4,500 calories most Americans consume on this festive day.

5. Thanksgiving Was Declared a National Holiday in 1941. Congress declared it a national holiday to be held on the fourth Thursday in November. In 1940 and 1939, FDR attempted to declare it the third Thursday in order to lengthen the Holiday shopping season. Many people were upset by this because, although it was not a national holiday before 1941, people were used to having it at the end of the month. Roosevelt's critics called it "Franksgiving". The first President to officially declare a "Thanksgiving Day" was Lincoln, who declared it the final Thursday of November.

4. The Founding Fathers Had Different Views on The Holiday. Benjamin Franklin was fine with Thanksgiving, but believed the turkey should have been declared the national bird. He found the bald eagle was a scavenger and not the sort of animal that should represent the USA. The turkey, however, he saw as a proud, beautiful bird that people would grow to think of when thinking of America. Thomas Jefferson, on the other hand, thought Thanksgiving was silly. He said it was "the most ridiculous idea I've ever heard". George Washington declared a "Day of Thanksgiving" in 1789l

3. "Black Friday" Is Not The Busiest Shopping Day of the Year. Every year, some reporters will be on TV going on about the day after Thanksgiving (commonly referred to as "Black Friday") as being "the busiest shopping day of the year". It is not. Although there are massive sales at many department stores that day, "Black Friday" is only one of many busy shopping days. Many people deliberately avoid shopping on this day because of the huge crowds. In fact, the busiest shopping day of the year is the last Saturday before Christmas.
Extra fact: "Black Friday" supposedly got its name because it is that day of the year when the stores finally make a real profit for the year and report their income as being "in the black". This is actually a myth and not the original meaning. It was originally called "Black Friday" in Philadelphia, where city shoppers coined the term in response to the heavy traffic, accidents, and general chaos caused by that day.

2. We Should Give Thanks to Sarah Josepha Hale. Hale worked tirelessly for years during the 19th century, attempting to make Thanksgiving a national holiday. Before she began her campaign, it was mostly a New England holiday and each state celebrated it different days of the year...or not at all. In fact, she convinced Lincoln to make it a national holiday after trying with four other Presidents. Up until then, the only national holidays celebrated in America were Washington's Birthday and Independence Day (Christmas came even later). Her efforts kept the holiday in the public mind and she was henceforth seen as a patriot for her work at bringing the fragile Union together. Hale was also known as being the author of "Mary Had A Little Lamb".

1. The Parade Took A Break For The Allies. Macy's annual Thanksgiving Day parade is watched by millions and a tradition in homes all over the country. It originally began in 1924 and has continued every year since...except during 1942 to 1945. The helium used in the enormous balloons during the parade was needed for the war effort during WWII. Extra Fact: The balloon that has been made the most appearances in the parade: Snoopy.

Now you know a few more random tidbits to bring up at the dinner table this Thanksgiving. With all this great knowledge to discuss with friends and family, there's no need for political arguments or even to tell your parents how they ruined your life. Just sit back, have some venison (the most common meat at the original Thanksgiving) and enjoy your weekend! See you at the mall!

The "Sister Wives" Might As Well Live in Stepford

2010-10-04T20:04:00.001-07:00

When I found out that TLC was going to start airing a reality show about polygamists living in Utah, I set my Tivo to record and set my mind to "open". After all, I'm all for gay marriage and allowing consenting adults to have whatever relationship they want. I figured I had to be open-minded about polygamy, as well, so I was all set to laugh along with the multiple spouses on "Sister Wives".

But three episodes in, I'm not buying it.

The show follows a Utah man with three (soon to be four) wives and twelve (soon to be sixteen) children, all living under one enormous roof as an enormous family that simply couldn't be happier.

And that's just it. The people on this show try so hard to convince us that they are, indeed, happy, that the entire program just reeks of phoniness. When someone is constantly telling you every second of her life how happy she is, it isn't long before you have to wonder if she's trying to convince you of that...or convince herself. "Sister Wives" definitely has this trait, as each wife (and the mostly-avoided husband) bends over backwards with the non-stop "cheerful" testimonies. After a while it just reeks of being fake.

The show is supposed to be all about how polygamists are "just like every other married couple", but it just winds up looking doctored to seem "normal". In fact, much of the show is jaw-droppingly boring. Each episode supposedly has something going on, but winds up being nothing but people sitting on a couch telling you how much they like each other. At the end of each episode, I don't know that I believe any of it...but I do know that I really don't care. The producers have tried so hard to remove all the controversy from the show that they've made it about nothing.

It is possible to have quality "Reality TV" programming that doesn't resort to acts of contrived controversy. There are plenty of reality shows on TV that don't feel like they are just made up; "Little People, Big World" is one of them. Yeah, shows like "Jersey Shore" have fake controversy...but "Sister Wives" has none! They show us nearly nothing that doesn't seem manipulated to be smiles and butterflies. It's literally a half hour of these robots constantly having to remind us how content they are. Besides the see-through happiness, however, there's no passion to be found anywhere else in that house.

And that's what's really missing from "Sister Wives". There's nothing about it that seems real, but the thing that seems the least real is the so-called "marriage" aspect of it all. If there are multiple marriages going on in that house, we have yet to be shown any. We've seen a man walk into different rooms and give a passionless kiss to random women who might as well be his sisters. Does he care for these women? Sure. But there's nothing in the house that looks like married people enjoying being married. There's talk about them having sex but, other than a clan of children, no proof that they remotely enjoy it or even have any attraction to each other. That would normally be interesting enough for Reality TV, but the producers of this show cut away the minute it seems we might really get a good look at how these people live. Instead, we watch a very dull guy barely spend time with three equally dull women in an attempt to convince us that nothing "weird" is going on.

Most annoying is how the show tries so hard to hide the religion (and religious boundaries) that these people live within every single day. The family on "Sister Wives" is Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints, or FLDS). That seems pretty important, considering that their religion is the reason they follow this lifestyle in the first place. But you wouldn't know that by watching the TV show. Every time the family kinda-sorta brings up religion, the show immediately cuts to something else. There's a prayer and mention of a church, but we never see them attend a service. The husband once mentions "The Principle", a part of FLDS life, but it is quickly glossed over and the subject is changed. Why? To avoid talking about their religion is stupid, especially when you consider that their religion is exactly why they are polygamists. It would be like doing a show about women who wear a burqa without mentioning that women who wear a burqa are Muslim. That simply wouldn't happen on a "Reality TV Show", so why does "Sister Wives" avoid all mention that the family is FLDS? Why hide the very thing you believe in the most?

On episode three, in a rare moment of actual honesty, one wife mentions that she didn't even kiss the husband until they were married. That actually sounded interesting but was immediately dropped. Why the absence of intimacy? There is constant testimony about the husband "Courting" a new wife who lives three hundred miles away, but no mention of how he met another polygamist five hours from home. They seem to barely know each other and yet are married soon after, with almost as little passion as there is in all the other marriages. How did they meet? When did they decide to start dating? How do "mainstream polygamists" find each other in the first place? Was this arranged through the church, or is there a polygamist dating site online? We'll never know because, like everything else on "Sister Wives", the producers (and family) only show us what they want us to see. It's almost as if they've decided in advance what the audience will accept...and that's all we're going to be shown.

In the end, they don't really show us anything. All we get is women sitting in a room talking (over and over and over again) about how much they like each other and how happy they are and how great it is to be a polygamist. Not much else. The children go to a polygamist school that we never see. They live around other polygamists that are never shown. The children are shown laughing but are never really interviewed. We see a doctor who has birthed the kids...but he's not even interviewed once. Oh, he's more than happy to be filmed giving an ultrasound in his office, but heaven forbid that the producers actually talk to the guy on camera. Is he a polygamist? What does the doctor think of this family? We'll never know, since the show is so busy trying to hide everything that's really going on, it shows us that nothing is going on. Instead, each episode just shows a bunch of women and children saying things like "we're best friends". Sure, whatever you say when the camera is rolling I guess we'll just have to believe.

Another big question I kept thinking was about how they afford to live when only the husband and one of the wives works. He works in "ad sales", yet they've got four SUVs and a luxury sports car. Ad salesmen make good money...but enough to pay for thirteen (soon to be twenty) people and that many nice cars? One of the wives has a job, yet we're never even told what that job is. FLDS polygamists are often accused of committing Welfare Fraud, but this show doesn't even address that, or any money issues whatsoever. Jon and Kate struggled to raise eight. Can two people really feed seventeen?

After each episode of "Sister Wives", it feels as if the show is dancing around what really goes on in that house. So a couple of the wives admit that they are sometimes jealous. Big deal. No matter how "out of the ordinary" these people may seem, it's hardly a surprise to learn that they are human. That's not showing us anything special. The problem with the show is that all of what we do get to see seems phony. It might as well be Stepford, where we're peeking in at what they want us to see, rather than how they really live. I want to see some reality with my Reality TV, not a 30-minute commercial for Utah.

Five Bands Who Replaced Their Singers With Sound-Alikes

2010-05-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

There was a time when a band lost its lead singer and it was pretty much assumed the band was finished. Sure, sometimes they were able to change directions or, in the case of Jefferson Airplane/Jefferson Starship/Starship, simply change names. Groups like The Temptations switched singers and entered a whole new era with their music, and Van Halen pretty much set the bar for success after losing a front man. Often times, however, the band simply ceased to exist and its members went on to other projects.

Then, sometime in the late 90s, bands started to realize they didn't have to quit entirely when their singer left the group or (Gasp!) died, nor did they have to change directions with a new vocalist attempting a completely different sound. They could instead find a singer who sounded almost exactly like the last guy and continue on unscathed and, sometimes, be even more successful. Well, faster than you can say "Judas Priest", there was some other dude onstage in the center spot. Below is a list of five bands who replaced their singers with guys who sounded pretty close to the original.

5, Yes. Yes was probably the most successful Progressive Rock Group of all time, with a career that spans over thirty years. The band has always been known for symphonic rock and amazing live shows. At the center of this ever-changing band has primarily been Jon Anderson. Anderson has left the band on more than one occasion, and Yes has changed its sound numerous times over the years. In 2008, due to respiratory illness apparently caused by owning a lonely heart for twenty years, Anderson left the group in need of a permanent replacement. Enter Benoit David, a Canadian singer from the Yes tribute band Close To The Edge. Found on youtube, David took over in 2008 for some tour dates and since has been chosen to record the vocals for the band's next album.

4. Foreigner. As front man of the immensely popular band Foreigner, Lou Gramm has always been known for his amazing vocal range and onstage charisma. Able to croon to classic ballads such as "Waiting for a Girl Like You" and belt out rocking tunes like "Head Games", Gramm had a voice that was instantly recognizable. In 2003. Gramm left the band permanently to pursue his solo career and work more with members of his family. Foreigner replaced him with Kelly Hansen, a singer from several other bands who was also a professional session singer. Hansen's voice was similar enough to Gramm's to work on all the classic hits, but also unique enough to represent the band on new tracks. The Hansen-fronted album Can't Slow Down hit #29 on the Billboard Charts, proving Foreigner fans seemed okay with the change.

3. Boston. Where would touring rock bands be without The Internet? Not only do they find fans online, they sometimes find their singers that way. Yes found their new frontman from online clips with a tribute band, and Boston found one in similar fashion. Tragically, Boston's lead singer, Brad Delp, committed suicide in 2007. The band has toured with several singers since then but, thank to Myspace.com, found the guy currently singing lead vocals. An employee of Home Depot in North Carolina, Tommy DeCarlo was a lifelong Boston fan who posted online recordings of himself singing some of the band's hits. Asked to join the band onstage for a tribute concert for Delp, DeCarlo, having never fronted a professional band before, is currently on tour with Boston as lead singer.

2. INXS. When singer Michael Hutchence died tragically in 1997, INXS seemed finished. The band toured with random singers for a while, but seemed to be history by 2001. In 2005, however, the reality show Rock Star: INXS brought them back into the spotlight during their televised search for a new singer. A former Elvis impersonator, JD Fortune won the contest, thanks in no part to his ability to sound strikingly like Hutchence and recreate much of the singer's inflections. Fortune toured with the band and recorded the Switch in 2005, the first hit album for the band in years. Since 2008, however, Fortune has only been in the band on occasion, most notably during performances at the 2010 Winter Olympics, and the band is "officially" without a frontman.

1. Journey. Youtube to the rescue! Journey is a multi-platinum-selling band with legions of fans, thirty years of hits, and even a video game based on them. At the front of this cash cow was Steve Perry who, not even the original lead singer himself, had the distinction of helping push the band to the top of the charts and making everyone hate him at the same time. After years of in-fighting, Perry left the group for good in 1998 in a split that was not remotely amicable. For a while, Journey was fronted by, oddly enough, a guy also named Steve. Then, in 2007, the band saw clips of Filipino singer Arnel Pineda on youtube.com. Pineda's voice was amazingly similar to Steve Perry's and he had the pipes to hit all of the famous high notes on hits such as "Don't Stop Believin'". How did fans take to the new front man? They apparently loved it, as the band's 2008 tour was the top seller of the year, raking in over 35 million bucks. The album Revelation was certified platinum, and the band went right to work on a second album with Pineda on lead.

Right now, in some basement, a kid is practicing his vocals to karaoke tracks of Chad Kroeger, in the hopes of one day fronting Nickelback on their 25th Anniversary Tour. When bands like Styx and Kool and the Gang are touring with completely different frontmen than the guy who sang most of their biggest hits, anything is possible. Just the right youtube video can get it done these days, so you never know. Rumor has it that even INXS once almost used a comedian as their new singer...although I hear that was just a hoax.

Buy "Publish This Book"

2010-04-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

My quest to find representation and publication rages on, and yet I'm taking a brief moment to inform anyone who will listen about Stephen Markley.

"Who is Stephen Markley?" you ask. Well, slow down and let me finish typing, Mr. Impatient. I'll get to that.

The road to becoming a published author is paved with the tears of emotional teenagers and people who own bunny rabbits. It is a long road, filled with potholes, that yours truly is currently wandering down and, along the way, running into other writers who share the journey. That's a poetic way of saying that there are tons of struggling writers out there trying to get noticed, I'm one of them, and I've been meeting others.

Well, Stephen Markley is one such author and, as it turns out, his story is a great one. Markley is a very funny author and blogger, and I stumbled upon his book just last week. Actually, I literally "stumbled upon it", as I bumped into a table at a bookstore and knocked the thing to the floor. Well, as it turns out, Markley's funny memoir is all about the difficulties getting noticed in the publishing world and obviously hits close to home.

As luck would have it, the book is also hilarious. If you like smartass humor thrown at you (and I know you do), you'll enjoy Publish This Book. Hell, even if you don't care about the publishing world at all and just want to laugh at the jackass exploits of a young writer, read the book.

As any good blogger does, I'm more than happy to give you a link to where you can learn more about the book and even order it. So go here and check it out.

Who knows? Maybe one day I'll be a famous enough comedian and Markley will wind up using my quote on the cover of the second edition. Or, better yet, maybe one day I'll be a famous comedian, period. Or, even better, maybe one day I'll be able to pay all my bills on time and order pizza without having to beat up the delivery guy when he gets here.

By the way, I see that they're giving another book deal to a cast member of The Hills, proving that, if God does exist, He hates us.

It's (Not) All About Talent

2010-04-24T15:32:00.002-07:00

As my research into books and agents and publishers rages on, I've broadened it a bit to now include not just comedians who have written books. Sure, I'm a comedian who writes books and it makes sense that I would therefore seek to work on my book proposal by comparing myself to other comedians who write books. Along the way, however, I was struck by something that threw a bit of a curve ball my way.

On amazon.com, where more books are sold than anywhere else on the planet, there is a neato little feature called "Customers Also Bought". It tracks the kind of things people buy and their buying trends. For instance, if you check out Twilight, it will show that customers who bought that book also bought Eclipse. It also shows that they are middle-aged women who want to re-live prom night forever. Nah, just kidding. It actually says nothing about Eclipse.

You get the point.

For instance, if you look up my previous book, The Ultimate Bachelor's Guide, you will see that readers bought other books about bachelors. It also shows a trend toward buying books on art and life as a southern woman in her 60s, proving once and for all that most copies of my book were bought by my mom.

Well, if you look up certain authors, Amazon will recommend other authors and books to you it thinks you might just like based on what others before you have already purchased. If you look up, say, JK Rowling, it will recommend Stephenie Meyer. If you look up Jon Stewart, it will recommend Stephen Colbert. And if you look up Sean Hannity, it will recommend Everybody Poops.

The following is a list of untalented authors who managed to get book deals, as recommended to me by Amazon.com while I was browsing popular humor books and memoirs. Yes, these are people with little to no discernible talent whatsoever that managed to not only get a book deal, but have the thing released too bookstores and then actually bought and recommended by other people. My apologies in advance to anyone who bought any of the following books, as well as my sincere request you walk off into the desert, never to be heard from again.

Hooking up with Tila Tequila: A Guide To Love, Fame, Happiness, Success, and Being The Life of The Party by Tila Tequila and Sarah Tomlinson. Tila Tequila became famous in the first place because she managed to get a million friends on something called Myspace.com, back when there were more than a thousand people still using Myspace.com. She's a nude model who claimed to be bisexual (read: attention whore) who somehow got a reality show. Someone was willing to cash-in and give her a book deal and, believe it or not, it sold stupidly well...and I'd call it "stupidly well" if it sold, say, more than 12 copies. But it sold better than that, proving my time-tested theory that people love Asian girls with big, fake tits. Tila is so full of talent (read: looks great naked) that she needed a co-author to help put together what was mostly a 176 book of pictures. The "advice" dispensed on how to achieve fame and success could have been summed up with: Take off clothes, spam the shit out of everyone, make out with other chicks. That's how Tila did it. And people bought a book about it. So the publishing industry deserves a middle finger for putting the book out and Tila's readers deserve to have it shoved up their collective ass.
Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind The Pose by Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton has been in movies, on TV, had an album, and managed to milk her fame for years. Every time someone scoffs that she is milking her "15 minutes of fame", I laugh myself silly, because Hilton has been around for over ten years. Think about that. Ten years. With all of the other credits she has, it's no surprise that she got a book deal. What's surprising is that it was a bestseller, which is surprising because the media is always reporting how much people can't stand her. Apparently, I'm going about this whole book deal thing the wrong way, and need to be punching small children in the face on live TV. Hilton also had a co-author for her book, which essentially sums up that, in order to be a millionaire, you should have someone give you millions of dollars when you're just a fetus.
The Truth About Diamonds: A Novel by Nicole Richie. If you bought Hilton's book, you probably bought this one. So says Amazon. In this book, Richie talks about her own life and friends, changes the names, and then calls it a "novel". She gets points for being clever about being vapid.
How To Be Famous by Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Because apparently the title There is No God and This is Proof was already taken. Here's another example of people telling you that, in order to be famous, all you need to do is be rich and famous. It's like Megan Fox writing a book called How to Get Laid. "Chapter One: Be Megan Fox. The End".
I Just Want You To Know: Letters To My Kids On Love, Faith, And Family by Kate Gosselin. "Dear Kids, Mommy is famous for essentially making many bad decisions. She literally went from being talentless and pregnant and evil to talentless with eight kids and a TV show and still pretty evil. Now she has to keep pimping herself out to every single outlet she possibly can so that she can afford to support herself and her eight offspring she had with that jackass that she divorced and kind of always hated. You know, that guy you call 'Daddy'. There's a lesson to be learned, kids: Take fertility drugs, have lots of kids, and you can become famous despite being mean and despised by anyone with a soul. At the very least, you can get a book deal offering advice that you obviously never took yourself...just like I did. Love, Mommy."

There you have it. And this was just a small list that I had to cut short simply because my eyes were starting to bleed from all of the angry crying I've been doing. There are many, many more books out there being written (and published) by people who have no business holding a crayon, let alone putting pen to paper and getting paid to do it. Want a book deal? It helps to have a sex tape first.

In conclusion, the world is empty and my soul feels like mashed potatoes.

Bedtime for Boozey

2010-04-23T14:03:00.001-07:00

While putting together my book proposal to prospective agents and publishers, I did a little research by examining the success of bestselling books written by other comedians and popular humorists. Several of the most popular books of this nature are essentially comedians' stage acts translated onto the page (Seinlanguage by Jerry Seinfeld) and others are collections of stories and essays (Denis Leary's Why We Suck).

One of the most popular comedians/authors today is Chelsea Handler. Yes, she's the host of her own popular talk show, but she's also the author of several books. Each one has appeared on The New York Times bestseller list, and were praised by critics and readers even before she became a TV star. I spent some time looking over her popular books:

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea.
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands.
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

See a recurring theme at all?

Handler does not simply collect jokes from her stand-up routine, nor does she collect a bunch of unrelated essays into one book. No, each book has its own theme, which is usually stories about drinking or stories of sex...or stories of drunken sex.

Handler is very funny. And each of these books are bestsellers that made (and are still making) a boatload of money. With that in mind, I've come to realize that I've gone about this whole thing entirely wrong. I wrote an honest book about my early struggles and failures in the comedy business, many of which were humorous and many of which were kinda sad. That's fine, but the title is all wrong. So, instead of Four Wheels and a Microphone, my book is now going to be titled one of the following:

I Get Drunk and Sleep With Strange Women
Drunken Sex With Me and Other Fine Stories
I'm Too Busy Having Sex To Have Another Drink
I'm Too Busy Drinking To Have Sex Right Now
Whores and Booze and Sometimes Other Stuff

I'm optimistic that one of these titles will be exactly what I need to push my book right into the hands of every major publisher out there and immediately onto every bestseller list you can imagine. Look for it at your favorite bookstore, right next to anything written by Tucker Max.

A Surprise Twist in Chapter One

2010-04-21T21:29:00.000-07:00

It's always interesting when a book catches your attention right from the beginning and jumps right into the action on page one. As luck would turn out, the first chapter in this new part of my life did just that yesterday.

(Nice opening paragraph, eh?)

After I got finished informing the world (or, at the very least, the random people who follow me on Facebook) that I was confused about where to go with my newest book, Four Wheels and a Microphone, I immediately found myself feeling a brief moment of optimism. Of course, optimism in my industry is often brief, which is why comedians/writers are often raging alcoholics and neurotics. As luck would have it, I'm not an alcoholic.

I've been annoyed for quite some time that I've essentially been ignored by every literary agent and publisher I've approached in regards to publishing the book, and have been considering putting it out myself, as I've done successfully in the past. Just yesterday, I wondered if that was going to be my best option. Although I'm able to accept this possibility, it still gets me a bit pissed to feel ignored. I've always been a bit of a baby that way. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends.

Not an hour after deciding to document (via this blog) my experiences with trying to get the book published did I receive an email from a literary agent I queried. My first, actually, since I started contacting people months ago. The agent in question asked me to come up with a complete book proposal and to re-submit my idea once it was complete.

WOO HOO! Wait..what? Write a proposal?

Being used to writing humor and fiction, I've never written a book proposal. This is done by authors of non-fiction books and often submitted to potential publishers before the book in question has even been written. Fiction and humor writers (articles, essays, etc.) normally just submit the manuscript after it's complete. I've never written a full proposal but, technically, Four Wheels is a non-fiction book, so I apparently need to do so. The fact that I haven't might very well be one of the things tripping me up in the first place. You'd think I would've known better. Perhaps I should spend more time reading and less time ranting, hmm?

With that in mind, I'm jumping head-first into putting together a book proposal and trying to get this agent as excited about Four Wheels as I am. That means that my immediate future is going to be spent researching how to put a proposal together and writing the best damned one I can come up with. Then, I have to submit it to the agent in question and hope it turns out to be up to snuff. Fingers firmly crossed that I pull it off.

Keep in mind that still no one has actually read the book. Writing a kick-ass proposal doesn't even guarantee that anyone I submit it to will, so this is still obviously just a tiny little step on a very long staircase. I have to hope that others find me as clever and witty as I find myself. And, of course, as clever and witty as you find me, which is why you're reading my blog in the first place, right? Right?

So, there you have it. For the time being, I'm feeling at least slightly optimistic and eager to see just where things will go from here. After all, one shaky, tentative response is certainly better than no response...which is exactly what I had this time two days ago. But that's par for the course for me, isn't it? I'm no stranger for pulling last-minute changes out of my ass. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends.

See you in the next chapter.

A New Chapter Begins

2010-04-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

Did you ever hear the old joke that goes something like this:

"Knock, Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana Who?"
"Knock, Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana Who?"
"Knock, Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Orange."
"Orange Who?"
"Orange you glad I didn't say 'banana'?"

Pretty stupid, right? Well, that's what it feels like to be a professional "Creative". By that term I mean a person who makes his living, in some form or another, as a creative mind, or in some form of art or entertainment. Every Creative Mind has hit some version of this joke numerous times in his career.

As a comedian, it's not uncommon for a comedy club to tell me that I can't get work without getting more TV credits under my belt. At the same time, TV producers aren't interested in comedians without significant experience.
As an actor it's hard to get an audition for a big movie without being The Screen Actor's Guild, but you can't become a member of The Screen Actor's Guild unless you have a speaking part in a major motion picture.
As a writer, it's almost impossible to get a publishing deal without a literary agent, yet literary agents often don't want to represent an author who is unpublished.

After a while of going around in circles, the Creative involved in each of these scenarios either gives up and walks away or simply gives in and accepts whatever you have to offer. In effect, he is willing to take The Orange.

I'm both a comedian and a writer, and I'm constantly juggling to work more doing both. It seems that I need both of these creative outlets to work in order for me to be truly successful at either. Being noticed as a comedian helps me find an audience for my writing and, being a popular writer sets me apart from the average comedian. One hand washes the other.

And yet I still don't have The Banana.

What's the point of this, you ask? The point is, of course, my long journey towards fame, fortune, success, and publication. But mostly just publication.

Several years ago I began touring as a stand-up comedian. That's a long journey itself, my friends, and the road was not always paved with gold. In fact, even now, it's paved with, well, asphalt. Just like any job, stand-up comedy is a job, with its share of ups and downs, good days and bad. But it's an industry that would surprise most people if they knew what really goes on when you live your life on the road.

A couple of years ago, I wrote down many of the stories from my early years in this business, and all of the insane mishaps I had to endure along the way, and collected them into a book called Four Wheels and a Microphone. Tales of being an unknown comic, Four Wheels is essentially a book about life on the bottom rung of the showbiz ladder, and how sometimes comedians aren't struggling for fame or fortune, but simply to stay afloat.

Some of the stories are quite funny (if I do say so myself), some are heartbreaking, and some are just plain odd. The point was never to write a hilarious book about wacky shenanigans or the false life of silliness people often think comedians live; the point was to show that sometimes life as a comedian is hilarious, but sometimes it's quite the opposite.

A year later, after much editing and much re-writing, I finally finished Four Wheels and stepped away from it. After deciding that I simply couldn't edit it anymore, I had to walk away. Want a cure for narcissism? Read your own book six or seven times.

With two more book ideas in my head and my creative juices eager to move on to something different, I spent a little while preparing a query letter (a "pitch" letter to agents and publishers about the book), and started sending Four Wheels off to literary agents and publishers who I thought might be interested in it.

Then...nothing.

I did not receive the deluge of Form Rejection Letters that every author tells you he receives, nor did I get tons of letters from literary agents who told me that my book was a steaming pile of dog shit. Instead, I received absolutely no response from anyone. I've got an empty email box and haven't so much as gotten a "Thanks, but no thanks". This isn't people telling me they didn't like my book, this is people essentially telling me (by ignoring me) that they weren't even interested in the idea of the book.

I'm not new to the publishing world. Years ago, I wrote a popular humor book called The Ultimate Bachelor's Guide and got a few rejections during that time, as well. That's another story, which I'll get to later, but the key point here is that, when pitching TUBG (as I like to call it) people at least responded to me.

This time around? Nothing.

A fellow author I know went through a similar experience not too long ago where his novel wasn't rejected by publishers and agents so much as it was ignored altogether. No one rejected him; they simply acted as if he didn't exist in the first place.

Every author guide or "How To Get Published" book I've ever read told me to prepare for rejection, but none ever told me to prepare to simply be ignored as if I didn't get in touch in the first place. One such book I read about getting published was actually written by an agent who later completely ignored me and never responded to the very proposal I learned to write by reading her book.

So, months later, I find myself trying to figure out what to do with this book I've written (and have been promising people I'm going to put out) and is just sitting on my shelf, collecting dust. Okay, it's sitting on my hard drive, taking up space. Same thing. Whatever.

When I wrote The Ultimate Bachelor's Guide, I never expected it to be picked up by a mainstream publisher. I never even tried to get it seen by one. I wrote it in less than two months and always intended it to be a quirky "bathroom reader" that I could sell at comedy clubs after my show. That's exactly what I did and, with no help from the publishing world, any agents, or even a publicist, I managed to promote the hell out of it. I got myself on TV, radio, and in newspapers, and I pushed the book hard. As it turns out, the PR worked, people liked the book and, for a brief moment in 2009, it was a bestseller. It hit #2 on amazon.com's humor chart and contemporary chart and it remained one of the bestselling humor books that spring. Some bookstores even picked it up and I did a few signings along the way. It was all done without taking the traditional route, and was ten times more successful than I ever dreamed it would be...especially when you consider that it was a niche book about single guys with a rather limited audience.

With that success in mind, I still have yet to get a response from anyone. It doesn't make sense when you consider that a traveling comedian is a one-man book tour waiting to happen. The fact that Four Wheels is not a "niche book" like my last one was, I think there's an audience out there who would like to read about life as a touring comic. But agents and publishers aren't even responding to my proposal, much less rejecting the book itself, which none of them has even read.

My favorite advice recently given to me was from a friend who said "Get famous as a comedian first and then everyone will want to publish your book". This is hilarious to me simply because it assumes that becoming famous as a comedian is somehow easier than getting published as a writer. It'd be like saying that, if I want to get on The Tonight Show, all I have to do is hit The New York Times Bestseller List.

This all leads me to this blog. I'm now dedicating this blog for the foreseeable future to my quest to find a life for Four Wheels and a Microphone. Do I want to put it out myself, as I did with TUBG? No. I'd honestly rather go the traditional route and see it find its way into more bookstores than I can do on my own...

But I'm willing to do that if that's what it takes to get it into reader's hands. I succeeded the last time around, I am hopeful that I could do it again if I tried it that way a second time. I learned so much with the last book, I'd like to think I could do even better knowing now what I didn't know then. I'm certainly willing to give it a try if it comes to that. But I'd like to see if I can find a home for it with a traditional publisher first.

So, I'm going to showcase my efforts to get the book seen by anyone and everyone, and I'm going to keep track of the results for all to see. If I decide to put the book out myself, I'm going to let YOU, my faithful fans and friends and readers, make the decisions with me along the way. From the cover art to the release date to the PR campaign, I'm going to let you in on everything that is going into my trying to make this book a success.

And, of course, I think the book is good. Send me an email, and I'll gladly email you back a chapter from the book. That's how important it is to me and how eager I am to get people behind it. I've got no problem showing you all the man behind the curtain and dropping the fourth wall.

With your support, I'll make something happen. I just don't know what yet. But I know that, in the end, whatever I choose to do, I'll have a book that I know each and every one of you will enjoy reading. I'm certain of that.

I'll take The Orange, but I want The Banana.

Model Spokesperson

2010-04-19T17:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, there is a new Right-Wing TV network launching this summer. The Right Network, officially the most originally-named network on TV, has been announced as a channel for people like those in the Tea Party Movement. It's touted as an entire channel for people in "Middle America" who feel that they need more programming that caters to their "Conservative Values". In keeping with those very values that Conservatives find so dear, the Right Network has chosen as its spokesperson:

Kelsey Grammer.

Yes, that's right, Dr. Frasier Crane himself is appearing in a series of commercials for The Right Network, proclaiming that there is finally a network for people who need conservative-value programming. After all, who better to be the spokesperson for Conservative values than a recovering alcoholic, former drug addict who has been divorced twice, is married to a former nude model, has houses in Malibu and New York City, and was most recently seen on Broadway playing a gay drag club owner in La Cage aux Folles?

Sounds perfect!

In other news, Kirk Cameron has signed on to be the spokesperson for BET.

Right-On, Righties on the Right

2010-04-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

It was announced today that there's a new cable network coming to your TV dial. That's right! No, literally, that's "right". The new network, oh-so-cleverly called "The Right Network" will cater to Right-Wing viewers all over America. Touted as a TV channel for the "Tea Party Movement", The Right Network will focus on shows aimed at people of the conservative mindset. Needless to say, the network will offer none of the programming seen on BET and quite possibly will be located even further down the dial.

A quick peak at some of the programming currently on the schedule for The Right Network's launch this summer:

Everyone Else of Bel Air. This wacky sitcom will focus on how Will Smith's neighbors cope when minorities move into their neighborhood and become extremely popular. Hilarity ensues when The Fresh Prince himself invites the neighbors over for dinner and they mistake him for his own butler.

Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? This isn't the game show hosted by Jeff Foxworthy. This is simply an entire show devoted to trying to makes sense of the protest signs seen at Tea Party rallies. If it's a success, expect a spin-off series, Are You More Racist Than a Klansman to appear on the schedule shortly after.

The Way We Think Things Should Still Be. This show is essentially like Mad Men, except that it takes the perspective that things should still be exactly the same as they were back in the late 50s.

Lost. Not to be confused with the ABC series of the same name, this show chronicles a typical day in the life of Sarah Palin. Expect this show to seem way more like science fiction than the one on ABC.

So You Think You Can Bitch. A new contest to see who is the angriest about actually having to pay taxes and how the government can't do anything right.

American Idle. A reality show that tries to figure out where the Tea Party protesters were during the Bush administration.

Expect more amazing shows to debut as the season progresses. Oh, and lots and lots and lots of re-runs of Little House on the Prairie.

Late-Night Love-O-Rama

2010-03-31T23:21:00.000-07:00

Well, although it seemed like it was behind us all, the Talk Show Host Drama continues. The "Late-Night Wars" seem to continue, and people are still taking sides in the debate and potshots at the TV hosts. Leno has returned to "The Tonight Show", Letterman is still doing his gig, and Conan O'Brien is waiting in the wings, presumably ready to take over his own talk show on FOX later this year. Everyone really seems to be in a win-win scenario, really, since each host will soon have his own show; But the arguments rage on, and people are still tossing blame.

How about this: What if none of the hosts are really to blame?

It's shocking, I know, to think that it couldn't possibly be one of the three TV personalities who has so destroyed the reputation of late-night programming. Yet it's possible, isn't it?

To blame Leno is trendy. It's what a majority of people seem to be doing. After all, he announced his retirement five years ago on "The Tonight Show" and extended the job offer to O'Brien at that time. Then, when 2009 came along, Leno balked at the idea of leaving. He stuck around and got his own show at 10pm. When that show failed, he managed to actually take back the very show he left in the first place. On the surface, it looks easy to blame Jay Leno for putting Conan O'Brien out of work.

But it's just not that simple.

Everyone is acting as if Leno had some major clout he didn't have. If he was so powerful, he wouldn't have been strong-armed into retiring in the first place. Yes, as much as everyone likes to believe that Leno announced his retirement from "The Tonight Show" as a sweet gesture as he approached his golden years, the truth was that Leno didn't want to leave when the idea came up years ago. If Leno is to blame in this mess, his biggest crime was simply not standing up to NBC years ago. But Leno is (and always has been) a Company Man.

Knowing that Conan's contract would soon be up, and the popular late-night host had plenty of other opportunities he could explore, NBC did what they thought would keep him on the network: They offered him "The Tonight Show". Great! Only problem: Jay Leno. Leno was #1 and had been for years. He'd managed to take something everyone associated with Johnny Carson and make it his own. But, if he could be persuaded out by being told he had no real choice, they might have a shot. So, NBC essentially bullied Leno out of the position. After all, what were the odds he'd be #1 in five more years?

Um...

Five years later, Leno was still on top and, believe it or not, was still planning to retire. That is, until NBC realized that "retire" didn't mean he had to leave TV altogether. It just meant leaving "The Tonight Show". Rumor has it that both FOX and ABC were courting Leno for a show that would go right up against Letterman...and Conan O'Brien's new "Tonight Show".

Imagine how NBC would've looked if Leno had been forced to retire, left the network, then shot to #1 on FOX? Imagine if Leno was BEATING HIS OLD SHOW! How would NBC look then? They'd look like the idiots that replaced the #1 host in order to put the #3 host in his place. It'd be a huge debacle.

So, they offered Leno his own show at 10pm. ALSO a bad idea. In fact, this was the worst idea in the entire list of bad ideas since this entire thing began. Yes, it was cheaper than 10pm programming usually is, but that's not something viewers care about. They liked their "Law & Order" and crime shows at 10pm and their talk shows after 11pm. Some things never change.

Leno's biggest mistake (besides simply not telling NBC where to go when they asked him to retire)? He made the 10pm show essentially "The Tonight Show" at 10pm. That wasn't what it was proposed as. It was supposed to be a variety hour, akin to the old Variety Shows of the 60s and 70s. Instead, it was just the same show with a slightly different set. Had it been another type of show, it might have succeeded and gotten bigger numbers. But, since it was essentially the same show as before, it drew the same numbers. That's great for 11:30...but sucks for 10pm. So, it was seen as a failure. And, yes, the local affiliates thought it killed their lead-in to the local news.

Now, a quick argument could be made here that The Local News has enough problems without a Leno lead-in, but that's another argument for another time. Regardless, the local affiliates were pissed that their numbers were smaller. Many talked about dropping the Leno show, which was now quickly seen as a failure.

Meanwhile, O'Brien wasn't doing that great, either. Conan's show was coming in second and, sometimes, third place, behind Letterman and Nightline. It was the fist time in 50 years that "The Tonight Show" was losing money for NBC.

In defense of Conan's poor numbers, his supporters managed to blame everyone...except Conan. They blamed Leno as being a poor lead-in. They blamed NBC for not giving him more time to find an audience, as they allegedly did with Leno 17 years earlier. They blamed everyone except the very fans who didn't tune in to watch Conan at 11:30pm. All that blame, however, can easily be tossed aside when you really stop to look at the reasons given:

1. The "Lead-In" Myth. People say that, because Leno was doing poorly at 10pm, the local NBC news was doing poorly at 11pm. Because of that, O'Brien was doing poorly at 11:30. So, it all goes back to the Evil Leno again. Problem here is that the "Lead In" argument is based on dated information and calculations. The theory is that people tune in to one station and watch it all night long. That made a lot of sense in 1965. In 2010, it doesn't pass the mustard. In today's age of remote controls and DVRs, does anyone stay on one station anymore? Does anyone really watch what's on at 11:30pm because of what was on at 10pm?

If this myth is true, then Letterman would not have been #2 for 16 years. CBS has dominated the 10pm time-slot on most nights for the better part of a decade. Do the letters "CSI" sound familar? So, if people chose their late-night host based on 10pm programming, why was Letterman consistently losing to Leno? Better yet, ABC dominates the 10pm time-slot on occasion thanks to shows like "Lost". If the "Lead-In" Myth is true, why isn't Jimmy Kimmel the #1 host on Tuesday nights?

Isn't it more likely that people choose the show they want and the host they want? When given the choice between Leno and Letterman, people chose Leno. When given the choice between O'Brien and Letterman, people chose Letterman. Despite its legacy, maybe the name of the show isn't really the reason people watched "The Tonight Show" after Carson left. Whatever the case, to argue about "Lead-In" ratings is ridiculous, when you consider it's not an argument ever made before in regards to late-night ratings. If no one argued it for 17 years, why did it suddenly become a factor in 2010?

2. The "Conan Didn't Have Enough Time" Myth. People argue that seven months was not enough time for O'Brien to find his audience. When Leno first took over "The Tonight Show", it took him a while to find his stride, they said. People even point to the false (yet passed around) legend that Leno only took over the ratings after a fresh-from-scandal Hugh Grant appeared on his show (Why THAT particular myth is just that is a completely different story altogether). Had Conan been given more time to find his audience, he might have succeeded.

This myth ignores the fact that O'Brien wasn't new to TV. He was a hugely famous, successful TV star, who had a successful talk show, bestselling DVDs, primetime specials, and hosted everything from awards shows to an episode of "Saturday Night Live". He is a household name. There was no one sitting around wondering who "That Conan feller is". Again, this myth ignores the fact that many people don't even watch the late-night shows until the next day.

Understand, I'm not "blaming" Conan O'Brien. I absolutely love the guy. Conan O'Brien is hilarious, and a wonderful talk show host. His comic timing is brilliant and his personality is perfectly affable. He's great at what he does. He deserves to succeed.

That said, his audience simply didn't follow him, and Leno's audience didn't care to watch. O'Brien's fans want to blame everyone for why his show failed, yet none of them can explain why, if they're such huge fans, so many of them weren't watching his show. Was his "Tonight Show" such a departure from his "Late Night" show that they turned away? Did Leno's fans simply not like him? Whatever the case, Leno's fans went with him (or Letterman), and O'Brien's fans didn't really stick around.

So, Leno was offered to come back. Why on Earth wouldn't he want that job? Who are we to think he owes any of us his retirement? Why should he quit doing something he's so good at and, apparently, so many people want to see him doing? He shot right back to #1 and, although not as strong as before, his ratings are proof that people will follow the guy they like rather than listen to what the local weather guy tells them to do. To assume that Leno should walk away in order to appease a O'Brien's fans is silly, especially when you consider that O'Brien's fans didn't come out of the woodwork until it was too late.

So, it's great to see people line up to cheer on O'Brien now. It hopefully means that whatever show he hosts next will be a huge success. Many hope that, wherever that show winds up, it's more like his "Late Night" show and less like his "Tonight Show" which, as many have said, seemed less suited for him than the edgy comedy he was doing before.

Hard to believe, but I like all four late-night hosts (including Kimmel), and tend to watch highlights of each show rather than entire episodes. I like to catch each of the monologues, and think they're each hilarious. Why choose one? Just because I like "Lost" doesn't mean I think "Law & Order" sucks. That's why I'm not interested in thrashing anyone. Honestly, it's not talk show hosts that make decisions like this, it's network guys.

Take it from someone who has watched a network guy ruin a perfectly good idea: It's not the fault of the TV Hosts. They're just trying to make us laugh. In this case, they all succeed. Everyone wins. When O'Brien left "The Tonight Show", he said "don't be cynical". Wise words, if you ask me. So, go have a chuckle and stop being pissed.

5 Failed Dramatic Spin-Offs

2010-02-02T13:54:00.000-08:00

You can't throw a monkey at a semi-truck these days without coming up with a spin-off to a popular TV show. In fact, a monkey and a semi actually led to The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo, which was a spin-off of BJ and The Bear. Sure, there are popular shows like CSI: New York that were proven hits after coming from other successful programs. The list of failed spin-offs, however, is even longer. Below are five flops you might not even remember, which is likely why they failed in the first place.

5. Time of Your Life (1999). The TV show Party of Five made celebrities out of every one of its stars, including Jennifer Love Hewitt. This spin-off from that popular series seemed like a surefire hit, as it was heavily promoted to the same people who watched Five and kept the same general tone. Unfortunately, it was a failure before it even aired, and had to have the pilot episode re-written and mostly re-shot. It didn't matter, because no one really liked the show, anyway, despite Hewitt reprising her role from Party of Five, along with soon-to-be-hugely-famous Jennifer Garner along for the ride. Fox even tried to gain extra attention by giving the show a second chance in the middle of summer, but no one was watching. Life lasted less than twenty episodes, and Hewitt went on to better things.

4. Law & Order: Trial By Jury (2005). By the mid 2000s, it seemed that show creator Dick Wolf could do no wrong. He already had three massively successful Law & Order shows on NBC, a sweet syndication deal, and a public that seemed in love with the idea of another L&O spin-off. Not so fast. This series, which focused on prosecuting and defense attorneys preparing their cases for criminal court, only lasted 13 episodes and was quickly removed from the NBC schedule. It never really found its audience, was put on the "Friday Death Slot" when hardly anyone really watches TV, and lost beloved Law & Order veteran Jerry Orbach, who died at the beginning of the show's production. The loss of Orbach quite possibly added to its lack of popularity, despite the fact that Cheers and Frasier alum Bebe Neuwirth was the leading lady. By 2010, Trial By Jury was the only scripted Law & Order show canceled at all.

3. The Lone Gunmen (2001). Fans of the sci-fi series The X-Files are rabid, and their support saved that show from cancellation more than once. Too bad they didn't have the same loyalty toward this spin-off, which followed three dorky conspiracy theorists who investigate weird shenanigans. The three leads were beloved as recurring characters on Files, but never found many viewers for their own show. Critics loved it, but no one seemed to be watching, perhaps due to the lighter, comedic tone that was a departure from the original show. Unlike its predecessor, which was given several years to really find its audience, The Lone Gunman was canceled after only 13 episodes, with a cliffhanger finale that had to be wrapped up back on The X-Files later that year.

2. Booker (1989). In 1989, there were Johnny Depp fans and there were Richard Grieco fans. Due to the massive popularity of 21 Jumpstreet, Depp became a huge heartthrob as the 90s quickly approached. The then-fledgling Fox network brought Grieco to Jumpstreet in 1988 to add another handsome star to the popular cop show. The plan worked and Grieco became an instant sensation. So popular, in fact, that his star seemed about to outshine Depp's, and a spin-off for Grieco's character was ordered for the following year. Booker followed the exploits of cop-turned-private-investigator who solved oddball cases in a way that only a rock-star-looking PI could. Although fans loved the Booker character on Jumpstreet, they didn't much care for him on his own show. Taking him away from busting high school kids seemed to spell the end for Booker, and the show only lasted one season. Grieco went on to star in a ton of B-movies and rumor has it that Johnny Depp is doing well for himself these days.

1. The Bradys (1990). Oh, wow, what a bad idea. How to you bring the eternally popular "Brady" family back to TV 15 years after the end of the classic sitcom The Brady Bunch? Apparently, CBS thought it should be done with a depressing hour-long drama. All the wacky characters from the early 70s show were made to be serious people with serious problems. Youngest boy Bobby crashed his race car and became a paraplegic, Marcia was an alcoholic, and everyone's lives seemed to kind of suck. The show was awkward in that viewers really didn't want to see their beloved characters grown-up and miserable, and yet episodes inexplicably contained a laugh track. No one was laughing, nor was anyone watching. The show only made it to six episodes before disappearing, and people went back to watching re-runs of the original classic.

Where there is success, there is often failure. Not every spin-off has the luck of being as popular as the show from which it came. For every CSI: Miami there is a Baywatch Nights. As we patiently await more hit TV shows, we can only hope that no one is actually planning Law & Order: Parking Victims Unit.

5 Failed Sitcom Spin-offs

2010-02-01T18:23:00.000-08:00

Ah, the beloved spin-off. Often a surefire hit, the spin-off sitcom takes characters from hit sitcoms and attempts to make lightning strike twice. The list of hits that spawned other hits is endless. All in the Family had a whopping five other spin-offs, Happy Days gave way to both Laverne and Shirley and Mork and Mindy. Cheers gave way to Frasier, which was not only the most successful spin-off in history, but also more successful than its predecessor. If only the same could be said for the following five failures, which went down in history as being five of the biggest flops to be spun-off from hit shows.

5. The Art of Being Nick (1986). This spin-off from the enormous 80s hit Family Ties proved that people who loved Michael J. Fox didn't necessarily love Scott Valentine. A show that centered around the lovable dimwit Nick, boyfriend to Justine Bateman's character on Ties, this show has been mostly forgotten about since its quick run in 1986. Also starring Julia Louis-Dreyfuss (later of Seinfeld fame) and created by one of the people who went on to success with Roseanne, this show was too oddball for regular fans. The Nick character went right back to being a recurring character and Valentine went off to be a very busy B-movie actor.

4. Top of the Heap (1991). One of three failed spin-offs of Married...with Children, this show only lasted seven episodes. Mostly known for being a failed show for Friends' star Matt LeBlanc, even appearances from random members of The Bundy household couldn't keep his show afloat. Where Married managed to make otherwise unlikeable characters downright adorable, Top of the Heap took sleazy people and made them look, well, sleazy. Oddly enough, the show failed and yet managed to have it's own spin-off (!), Vinnie & Bobby, which also lasted only seven episodes.

3. The Tortellis (1987). Also known as the other spin-off from Cheers. The one that miserable failed. Full-time guest star Dan Hedaya (who has been in almost everything) and Jean Kasem (wife of Casey Kasem) starred in this show that told the story behind Carla's (Rhea Perlman) ex-husband and new wife. Random appearances from Cheers characters (NORM!) didn't help this awkward show with awkward characters, and it lasted only thirteen episodes. Years later, it's mostly forgotten, especially by people who actually saw it.

2. The Golden Palace (1992). After seven successful seasons of The Golden Girls, several cast members went directly into this ill-conceived spin-off that found them suddenly living in a hotel. The original show aired on NBC for 180 episodes. Moving to CBS didn't help this one find an audience, and it only lasted for 24. Bea Arther was sorely missed, and the show never found its audience, despite the addition of Cheech Marin to the cast. Most viewers thought it felt more like a rip-off of The Golden Girls rather than an extension of the original series.

1. AfterMASH (1983). Taking a few cast members from one of the most beloved (and longest running) sitcoms in history might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but this M.A.S.H. spin-off didn't have either the humor or heart of its predecessor. Taking the show out of the Korean War and putting it into the suburbs changed the urgency of many of the situations, and reduced the drama that M.A.S.H. managed to mix so well with comedy. It didn't help the fact that none of the most popular characters from the previous show appeared on the new one. On top of that, CBS had bold plans for the new show and put it up against some of the biggest competition other networks had to offer, such as the enormously popular The A-Team. Although it was born of a fanatically popular show that spanned numerous years and achieved tons of awards, AfterMASH only lasted 30 episodes and became a footnote in failed TV history.

The list of sitcom spin-off failures goes on as long as TV history itself. These are only five examples, although many more remain for another story at another time. After all, Alice was an enormous hit show...but does anyone remember Flo?

Five Facts About "New Coke"

2010-01-19T15:13:00.001-08:00

This April marks the Twenty-Five Year Anniversary of one of the greatest moments in bad ideas. Yes, this April we celebrate the creation of "New Coke". It seems crazy to think that, at one time, the number one soft drink in the world was facing strong competition and decided that the best idea was to change it's famous (and famously secret) formula. "New Coke" was born and a marketing blitz came with it. A now-famous public backlash ensued and, at the demand of brand loyalists everywhere, Coke was forced to bring back it's original formula almost immediately, dubbing it "Coke Classic". With the recent retirement of the name "Coke Classic" (which just happened in 2009), it's a good time to look back on 1985 and the year that belonged to New Coke. Below are a few facts you may not know about the soft drink that everyone loved to hate.

5. It Was Not A Failure. Although the New Coke story has become synonymous with marketing failure, the product itself did not fail. Many experts today agree that the error was in the marketing of the product and the perceived cavalier dismissal of the original formula on behalf of the Coca-Cola Corporation. When it was rolled out, three quarters of drinkers polled reported they would buy it again. After the initial boom in sales, New Coke wound up performing about the same as the original formula had been selling the year before. In fact, New Coke routinely won most public taste tests, even up into the late 90s. It was determined that the backlash to New Coke was really just the result of people angry over the absence of the old formula, rather than a distaste for the new one.

4. The Switch Did Not Help Pepsi. Upon the announcement of New Coke, Pepsi launched a popular ad campaign announcing itself the winner of the "Cola Wars". From TV to print ads, Pepsi mocked the decision to change Coke's formula by saying it was obviously due to trying to be like Pepsi. Ads with people drinking Pepsi contained the line "Now I know why Coke did it!" In actuality, Pepsi performed worse in sales that year than it had the year before, being beaten by New Coke, Coke Classic, and the extremely popular Cherry Coke, which was also quietly released that year. In fact, it has often been speculated that Cherry Coke's popularity helped Coca-Cola as much, if not more than, the introduction of Coke Classic that same year. Turns out that loyal Coke drinkers, when faced with choosing between New Coke and Pepsi, simply chose neither.

3. Diet Coke is New Coke. Or vice-versa. When it was introduced in 1982, Diet Coke was an answer to Diet Pepsi, which had been around since 1964 and outsold Coke's diet cola Tab. Diet Coke quickly became the 3rd best-selling soda on the market, behind only original Coke and Pepsi. Using the "Coke" name helped it's popularity, although Diet Coke is not a sugar-free version of the original Coke formula. As it turns out, New Coke was actually a version of the Diet Coke formula sweetened with high-fructose corn syrup. Even today, Diet Coke shares more with New Coke than it does the original formula, and Coke Zero is the closest Coke has ever come to a sugar-free version of its classic taste.

2. It Ended Bill Cosby's Role as Spokesperson for Coke. Cosby was an enormously popular pitchman in the late 70s and early 80s. His Jello commercials are famous, of course, and his flop movie Leonard part 6 was practically a two-hour Coke commercial. When New Coke was launched in 1985, Cosby led the roll-out in a series of commercials praising the new formula. From the start, it seemed weird, considering that Cosby himself praised original Coke for not being as sweet as Pepsi and now pitched a soda that was even sweeter. A few months later, when the backlash hit, Cosby himself stepped down as pitchman for Coke, stating that he had lost all credibility with the New Coke campaign. A few months later, Coke replaced Cosby with a pitchman who wound up being twice as popular: Max Headroom.

1. New Coke stuck around for years. Despite the marketing fiasco that ensued by getting rid of the old formula altogether, New Coke was not hated by everyone and still won many taste tests for years to come. Rather than get rid of the product, Coca-Cola began simply calling it "Coke" as it shared the shelf with the everything-old-is-new-again "Coke Classic" product. The Max Headroom experiment was a success with young drinkers, exactly the people Coke had hoped to woo with the new formula in the first place. By the end of 1985, New Coke was still selling well, albeit behind Coke Classic. In 1990, with little fanfare, it began appearing as "Coke II" in some markets and officially took that name in 1992. It was still being sold that way in the Midwest (where it still sold well) up through 1998 and wasn't discontinued in North America entirely until 2002. To this day, the New Coke formula is still sold in some American territories, such as American Samoa.

Looking back on New Coke today, it's crazy to think that the entire controversy spanned less than three months. Those three months have since served as a stern lesson to marketing students everywhere about the dangers of underestimating brand loyalty. To this day, rumors abound on the Internet that Coke planned the entire thing. Some say it was a marketing ploy to boost sales, while others claim it was all a clever scheme to renew the patent on the famously secretive original formula. To this day, many (wrongly) still believe it was merely a ploy to secretly hide the switch from using cane sugar to high-fructose corn syrup; a change which actually occurred in 1984. In reality, it was nothing but a colossal marketing error. In the end, Coke learned it's lesson and never again changed it's original formula. We're still waiting for an apology for Clear Tab.

Five Tech Devices That Quickly Disappeared.

2010-01-19T14:24:00.000-08:00

The future is now. Apple has unveiled its newest piece of technology: The iPad. The newest form of technology to make work and play easier for people everywhere, The iPad is an amazing combination of laptop, MP3 player, and notebook. People will be running out to their local Apple store or Best Buy and snatching these suckers up at a record-setting rate...until version 2 comes out in ten months and it starts all over again. Will the iPad become a permanent piece of technology, or will it go the way of the dinosaur? Only time will tell.

Below are some pieces of technology that were exciting for a relatively brief amount of time. At one point, they seemed to be "THE" thing to own. Nowadays, they're just another footnote in the history of dead technology.

5. Palm Pilots. A fine example of a flash-in-the-pan tech device that seemed so very cool and then was so very gone in an instant. One of the biggest problems with this actually great idea was that the technology was constantly changing, which led to constant upgrades or simply owning a PDA that users became disinterested in. It wasn't unusual to own a Palm Pilot that seemed practically obsolete a year later. It took several years for PDAs to really take off and, by the time they did, cell phones had already caught up with them. Having a Palm Pilot was a great idea for a couple of years. Being able to have a phone that did everything the PDA did, as well as play music and videos? It was a no-brainer. Add to that the fact that cell phones didn't have stylus pencils to lose? What was the point of having a stand-alone PDA? They are still sold out there, literally eclipsed by sales of Blackberry and iPhones.

4. Mini Disc Players. When the compact disc hit the market, it revolutionized the music industry. Here was digital music on a small disc that was nearly indestructible, easily portable, and highly affordable. Everyone loved CDs, so it seemed obvious everyone would love MINI-CDs, right? Wrong. The mini-disc player was sleek and portable, and played tiny CDs that held more music, were recordable, and even more convenient. But people were already collecting CDs. They didn't really want to collect more stuff. On top of that, the MP3 player explosion was literally months away. Why own a mini-disc or compact disc or any kind of disc when you could have all the digital music you wanted with none of the extra crap laying around the house. People owned mini-disc players for about a year before switching to an iPod. You can still get them on Ebay, of course.

3. Laserdiscs. Here's a form of technology that was around for almost two decades and yet hardly anyone seemed to have it. From the start, laserdiscs were expensive and run on expensive players. The price never went down, either, as is normally the case with popular technology. On a whole, people were fine just watching their VCR, which wasn't just more affordable, but more convenient. Laserdiscs often required flipping the disc over like a vinyl album on a turntable. The discs themselves were never produced on a mass-market level and the better, more-affordable DVD format came along and soon beat the laserdisc into obscurity. Like most forms of dead technology, the laserdisc still has it's fans and collectors.

2. Pagers. This one isn't exactly fair, since pagers were around for a couple of decades before they became wildly popular and still exist today. But do you know anyone who is carrying one? And, if so, why? When they first came on the market, pagers were only owned by doctors, lawyers, drug dealers and strippers. Suddenly, in the late 90s, massive affordability and an increasing sense of self-importance caused pagers to be everywhere. Look at any photo from around 1999 and you'll see someone you know sporting one on his belt. Just as pagers became massively popular, cell phones became ridiculously affordable, ridiculously small and ridiculously convenient. Why send your number to someone when you could simply call them? Just as soon as people bought pagers, they were throwing them away and replacing them with a phone the same size. Then talking on a phone was replaced with texting on them and the entire universe imploded.

1. Nintendo Virtual Boy. The video game system that no one owned. In 1995, Nintendo released this hand-held system, a 3D version of the popular Game Boy. This was right in the middle of the very-wrong theory that people had that Virtual Reality technology was going to be everywhere in a year or two, and yet is still, 15 years later, just something you do for fun at Dave & Buster's. The Virtual Boy was in 3D, but most of the games were lame. You had to wear awkward goggles just to see the colorless, boring graphics, and it was too big to be very portable. The Virtual Boy was expensive and no one bought it. Then it was cheap...and no one bought it. Only 770, 000 of them were ever sold, and only 22 games were made for it. It was considered a massive failure and was discontinued in less than a year. Its demise is known as being major reason for the decline in Nintendo's popularity and competitive force.

With every form of technology that comes along, there is another form that becomes obsolete. There are devices in our homes at this very moment that we will be throwing out within a couple of years, and all because something better and more affordable took its place. These are only five quick examples, but the list is endless. For instance, an entire article could be written about how each laptop I ever owned became obsolete within a year...including the one I'm using right now.

My Five -- Five Big Late-Night Talk Show Bombs

2010-01-15T14:32:00.000-08:00

The late-night talk show wars rage on, with everyone from Leno to O'Brien to Kimmel taking potshots at one another and everyone speculating as to what will happen next. This is really nothing new, as these talk show wars have been going on for years. Arsenio Hall famously said he was going to "kick Leno's ass" (he didn't), and everyone knows about the feud in the early 90s between Leno and Letterman. But Arsenio Hall was quite successful, and Leno and Letterman are both late-night legends. Below is a list of five talk shows (and hosts) that didn't fare quite as well. Some would rather that we forget about their efforts in late-night TV altogether. No such luck.

5. The Pat Sajack Show (1989). Some would say that it's not fair to lump Sajack in with the list of failures. After all, his talk show lasted over fifteen months and performed well for a little while. Given only a two-year contract, Sajack's ratings slipped pretty soon as people began to realize that his easy-going charm was best suited for game shows and not cutting-edge comedy. During the last remaining months, CBS actually began auditioning replacements on the air by trying out a series of guest hosts once per week. The show's demise was such a disappointment, CBS didn't even try another late-night talk show until they snagged Letterman in 1993.

4. The Dennis Miller Show (1992). Known for being the first real "Alternative" talk show, Miller's program boasted Andy Summers (of The Police) as its bandleader. Many popular alternative bands made their TV debuts on this show, and everyone expected it to be a bonafide hit. With writers like Norm MacDonald, Bob Odenkirk, and people who went on to do Will and Grace, it really should have been. But Miller pissed off as many people as he pleased, and has always been best when he discusses current events rather than pitches movies. The show lasted less than a year, but Miller went on to have a hit show on HBO which better suited his personality.

3. The Keenan Ivory Wayans Show (1997). Remember this one? Not many people do. That was one of the biggest problems with Wayans foray into late-night: his show was pretty forgettable. Undeniably a great writer, Wayans didn't bring the same humor to his interviews that people grew to love in his sketch writing. More than anything, the show just didn't stand out from anything else on TV at the time. A ton of stuff was thrown against the wall, but none of it ever stuck. Wayans didn't struggle or sink into obscurity, however. He went back to being a highly successful actor, writer, producer, and director.

2. The Magic Hour (1998). Oh, wow. What a complete mess. Looking back, you have to wonder who thought that giving a comedic talk show to Magic Johnson was a good idea. A likable guy? You bet. A huge celebrity? Absolutely. A good talk show host? Not even close. There's a reason that talk shows normally go to comedians. Johnson was horribly uncomfortable on this show and, even though it was obvious that he couldn't deliver an opening monologue to save his life, he kept poorly reading those cue cards anyway. The show's sidekick, comedian Craig Shoemaker, was funnier than the host. The lack of chemistry between the two led to Shoemaker abruptly being replaced by In Living Color's Tommy Davidson. It didn't help. The show was canceled after only eight weeks.

1. The Chevy Chase Show (1993). Probably the biggest failure in late-night talk show history, this debacle was supposed to be Fox's one-two punch to both Leno and Letterman. Instead, it was a huge embarrassment, and that network hasn't had a talk show since. Chase was a household name, and his snarkiness seemed perfect for a talk show of his own. Fox put a ton of money into it, even giving Chase his own theater in LA where the show was taped. Immediately, critics (and viewers) hated the program. Chase was nervous and awkward and wound up resorting to his famous prat falls in order to get laughs. He wasn't comfortable interviewing guests, either, which kind of defeats the purpose of a talk show. It was canceled after four weeks, but given an extra fifth week to sit and not be watched. To this day, it remains a punchline and the biggest example of how not to do a talk show.

These five shows are perhaps the most memorable failures in late-night, but they are hardly the only ones. Joan Rivers failed at it, as did Rick Dees. As long as the networks continue to put talk shows on during the wee hours of the morning, others will come along and undoubtedly many more will fail along the way. With that in mind, I hope you'll all tune in this fall and watch "Words With Ward" on The CW.

5 Things I Can Do Without In 2010

2010-01-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

Welcome, 2010! A new year is upon us and with it comes a new year of things that I hate. Of course, all of these things were despised by me in 2009, as well. I'm just hoping that, with a new year comes new hope; hope that 2010 will put an end to the following items which make me want to eat shards of broken glass while drinking Zima laced with battery acid. These are merely the dreams of a dreamer, my friends. Welcome to my vision of a better tomorrow.

5. Characters in Novels with Ridiculous Names. I spend a lot of time in bookstores looking for what's hot, what's humorous, or simply what will make my time on a plane go by faster. Earlier today, I found no less than six novels featuring characters with names that simply do not exist in the real world. Skunk McGee, Stinky Jones, and Puke-stain Thompson are not names anyone would actually give their child. In fact, they aren't even nicknames people give their children. Yes, some people have goofy nicknames, but it's not nearly as common as the literary world would have us believe. And it's always a main character, too. In the real world, the occasional person has a strange first name. In novels, everyone does. This is also a common trait of northern writers trying to write southern characters without having to actually learn anything about southern people. I grew up in Georgia and didn't have any friends named Huckleberry or Shoeless Jed.

4. Young People Wearing Che Guevara T-Shirts. History lesson kids: Guevara was a Marxist revolutionist who detested Capitalism and helped bring Fidel Castro to power in Cuba. He then went on to become a guerrilla leader and revolutionary in other countries, as well, encouraging the use of force to bring down the government. In short, you look like a complete and utter jackass when you wear a Che Guevara T-shirt while drinking Starbucks coffee and listening to your iPod as you stand in line at Foot Locker. My favorite Guevara shirt I saw the other day in a shop in Toronto. Next to the famous photograph were the words "I have no idea who this is". Truer words were never spoken.

3. Romantic Teenage Vampires. This is not just a response to the absurd obsession of middle-aged women with the series of badly-written Twilight books that make even teenage girls a little dumber and set back feminism thirty years. This is a response to every single other teen vampire story that has come along recently and made vampires the biggest fictional pussies that ever existed. There was a time when vampires were scary. Now they are too concerned with hair gel to scare anything other than a stylist. Do bored housewives really have nothing better to read about than romantic demons who apparently are too stupid to use their immortality for anything other than an excuse to stay in high school for decades? If you could live forever, would you still be taking pre-calculus? On a personal note, I wrote a funny vampire novel a year ago that no one will even look at because the publishing world is sick of vampires. Now I've got to sit on it for ten years and hope that the desperate cougars who read these books will hopefully move on to something like romantic mummies.

2. Anything written as "Obama-____". As in "Obamacare" or "Obamanomics" or "Obamaspeak" or "Obama-anything". Obama is the President. We get it. Not everything that happens in US politics over the next few years has to be prefaced with the President's name before it. It's not because of any political leaning on my part that I hate this little trend. It's because speaking this way is just plain lazy. It's not clever and it's only done because the name itself has a rhythm to it that makes it possible. You'll notice we never said "Bush-care", although it would've been hilarious had we done so. It was clever when we did it with Herbert Hoover. It was already stale when we did it with Reagan. It was dead by the time Clinton came along. I had hoped not electing Hillary to office would've prevented this from happening. I was wrong.

1. People Who Don't Know the Different Between "Your" and "You're". I haven't made this mistake once since I was ten years old. Seriously. Not once since I was ten. You're going to have to believe me because I would take your word for it if you told me the same thing. See what I did there? I used both versions of that little grammatical trick in the same sentence. If you are going to do something, it's "you're". If something belongs to you, it's "yours". Get it? You're going to have to work on this if your writing is going to be coherent, even in emails. Your problems with grammar are what you're going to be thinking of most when you're not reading this article and you're sitting around your house later and watching your TV.

These are just a few of the things that I'm hoping to see less of in 2010. I'd love it if they simply went away altogether, of course, but I'll settle for half of what I saw last year. These are just my ideas, of course. What are some of urs?

Five Problems With Late-Night Talk Shows

2010-01-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

It was announced this week that Jay Leno's 10pm talk show will go on hiatus in upcoming weeks and that he will soon return to the 11:30pm time slot he used to hold. This will push the actual "Tonight Show", now hosted by Conan O'Brien, back to the 12:05am slot, and once again turn late-night television into one huge talk-fest, with no less than six chat shows on three major networks alone. "The Tonight Show" has, of course, been a staple of TV airwaves since almost as long as TV has been available, and a slew of shows have always come along trying to equal its success. But is this format really that lucrative anymore? And is the talk show format the only thing that will succeed in that time slot? Here are five problems with late-night talk shows, including some ideas to change things up a little bit.

5. Too Many "Tonight Shows". Let's face it. Pretty much every single talk show is trying to be "The Tonight Show" of the past 50 years. Host does monologue, sits at desk, introduces guests who sit beside desk, etc. It's a format that has worked for decades and it seems to be the format everyone is still trying to ape. But it's simply not necessary anymore. How about a three-hour talk show? Sounds crazy, right? Well, that's pretty much what we have now anyway. Sure, the hosts are different...but are they really? A succession of clever white guys in suits is still clever white guys in suits. And why the suits, anyway? People love Jimmy Fallon for being child-like and silly. Why put him in a suit just because he's got a talk show? If you're trying to change things up, then really change them up. And that means more than just hiring a cool band (The Roots, for instance) to front you. Isn't what we liked about Arsenio Hall in the first place was that he wasn't trying to be exactly like every other talk show? The minute he was gone, everything went back to the way it always was.

4. Boring Guests Pitching Over-Hyped Projects. I honestly can't say I regularly sit down and watch late-night talk shows anymore. But do people actually go out of their way to tune in because they hear that someone from "Desperate Housewives" is going to be on? There was a time when people needed "The Tonight Show" or "Late Night" because it was one of the only chances they would get to see their favorite celebrities anywhere but in their chosen medium. It was also one of the only places to pitch upcoming projects or things you might not normally hear about. But it's the 21st century, there is this thing called The Internet and another called "Cable TV". Celebrities are everywhere and not hard to find. You can see the cast of your favorite TV show on countless programs and magazine covers and websites. Why tune in to watch Lady GaGa on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" when she's already everywhere else? And our obsession with celebrity has gotten so out of hand, the conversations are as bland as the people sitting on the couch.

3. Not Enough Variety. The shows have turned into gushfests, with hosts worshiping entertainers rather than interviewing them. And with so many talk shows, it has become a war of "Get the Bigger Name". Gone are the days of quirky stories. Gone are the rare bands and lesser-known actors. Even worse is that, in a format that used to rely on discovering new talent, hardly any of these shows showcase comedians like they used to. No one gets "called over to the couch" anymore, either. Instead, we get to see Paris Hilton get her ass kissed...again. And, honestly, did no one know about Avatar or the latest blockbuster until it was on a late-night talk show? How about more sketches, like Johnny Carson used to do during the golden years of "The Tonight Show"? That's what shows up on all the "Best of" DVDs, not clips of celebrities getting their egos stroked. What's wrong a little more variety in what was originally a variety show?

2. Not Enough "Talk". Sucking up to a celebrity isn't really the same thing as talking with them. Nowadays, most talk shows have just become one big commercial for whatever product is being pitched by celebrity spokespersons. There was a time when an actor briefly spoke about his project, then spent some time having truly interesting and humorous conversations with the host. With today's habit of shoving the guests down the conveyor belt, there's not conversation as much as there is an extended movie trailer. And we can see those anywhere. Much more interesting are the "panel" shows like "Real Time with Bill Maher" or "Chelsea Lately"; You know, a talk show where people actually talk. Make the product pitch the smallest part of the interview and people might just tune in no matter who the guest is, rather than seeking out the ones they already like.

1. Too Much "Talk". Ironically, one of the biggest problems with late-night talk shows is...talk shows. There was a time when there were sitcoms that actually aired late at night, and not just reruns in syndication. There were also music programs, sketch shows, and all kinds of different programming that didn't involve some guy sitting at a desk interviewing celebrities. Why not again? Anyone remember "Friday Night Videos"? Now that MTV no longer shows videos, why not bring them back to network television? I'd just as soon see something akin to "Headbangers Ball" on at night, and I don't even like Metal. And I'd rather watch an actual sitcom than watch an actor talking about a sitcom. In an effort to get the ratings of "The Tonight Show", too many networks seem to think the only thing that will work is something exactly like it. They overlook the fact that some late-night viewers might not want to watch a talk show at all.

The Late-Night Talk Show has been the mainstay in "after the local news" viewing for decades. But, as watching the local news becomes less and less relevant, the same old talk show format should maybe go with it. Prime-time TV changes all the time, yet everything after 11:30pm seems to essentially stay the same. The numbers show that millions of people are still up, still flipping through the channels, and still looking to be entertained, even into the wee hours of the morning. If we can't find something new and original, we can always go with the tried and true. Unfortunately, these days, that's not necessarily a talk show. Sometimes that just means watching reruns of "Frasier" instead.

My Five - Five Signs A Comedy Club is Struggling

2010-01-06T15:17:00.000-08:00

Every year, to my utter dismay, at least one comedy club at which I'm used to working goes out of business. In all honesty, that number is usually closer to four and, each time it happens a little part of me dies inside. It's always sad when the lights come down and the doors close for the last time on a place that once let me grace the stage. On top of that, it sucks to have to find another club in which to work that week the following year in order to stay gainfully employed. I will say, however, that when a comedy club does go out of business, it is usually not a huge surprise. There are warning signs that begin months or even years before the axe eventually falls.

What follows are five signs I'm used to seeing that raise a red flag in my eyes that a club's days may be numbered. I will leave out the most obvious sign, which is there being almost no audience, since that's usually what causes the following to happen...or vice versa.

5. The Professional Host Becomes the Amateur Host. Most comedy clubs follow what is known as "The Three Comic Formula". That's three consecutive comedians on the bill (Host, Feature, Headliner), each to varying degrees of experience. When a club is struggling, one of the first signs that the people in charge are trying to save money is when The Host goes from being a professional (albeit new) comedian to being some local amateur who has barely been onstage. Amateur comedians are alike in that they each want the chance to perform onstage in an actual comedy club and are more than happy to do so for free. The club automatically saves as much as $500 per week. Sometimes the amateur is actually hilarious and a great host, other times he is simply going to stand onstage and awkwardly ask the audience to turn off cell phones and to order the nachos. Meanwhile, a professional Host is in the back of the room, drinking himself stupid out of depression over the lost work.

4. The Advertising (Including the Website) Disappears. Ever heard a comedian on the radio? Sometimes we sit in on local stations, yapping with the Morning "Zoo Crew" about our gig that week at Uncle Knuckle-Fuckers. Someone pays for that. Yes, just like putting up money to have a commercial on the radio, a comedy club typically pays to have a comedian sit and talk to "Chucky and the Dyke" on Z-203. When the club starts to lag? No more radio. Those full-page ads in the paper stop, too. A jarring (and depressing) sign that a comedy club is in trouble is when the website suddenly stops being updated. It's bad enough that some websites already look as if they were designed on a Commodore 64, but even worse when "Next Week: Richard Jeni" is posted across the front page. Sometimes the club closes altogether but the site remains online. A defunct club in Buffalo listed a show with me and Lisa Lampanelli as "Coming Soon" three years after it closed.

3. Every Other Comedian is "Local". Pretty much every comedian in New York or LA lives in New York or LA. But every other major city in the North America relies on out-of-town talent for its comedian pool. Sure, there are plenty of local comics in any city, but the Headliners and Features come from out of town at least 95% of the time. When you start hearing that the Feature act is "A Local Act" every single week? That's a strong clue that someone is trying to save some serious money. Although the Host is rarely given lodging for a gig, The Feature almost always is. Use a local feature and you need one less hotel room. This is absolutely no problem if you have, say, fifty quality Feature Acts living in your city. Unfortunately, too many clubs re-use the same local talent all the time. After a while, audiences tend to notice that the Feature Act is the same guy they saw doing it there just two months earlier. When is a club really in trouble? When every Headliner you see listed is touted as a "Local Favorite".

2. A "Three-Comic" Show Becomes a "Two-Comic" Show. Even after you get rid of the hotel for The Feature Act, you still have to actually pay The Feature Act. Hosts will often work for free, but Features never do. Once a club has saved money by using local acts and yet still finds itself in the red, the decision is often made to eliminate one of the comedians altogether. This often happens after other steps have already been taken and is rarely the first action a club would ever take to save money. But it does happen, and more than you'd think. Suddenly, the show switches to a two-comic format, with The Host also acting as The Feature, although quite possibly still unpaid. When the show becomes a DJ who announces "THE comedian", the days of comedy at Wacky Sacks Comedy Hut are truly numbered.

1. The Venue Drastically Changes. Rent ain't cheap, and owning a bar certainly isn't. A stand-alone, full-time comedy club is an expensive venture, and doesn't even look good on paper. Comedy clubs aren't open as many hours as bars and tend to push you out the door in two hours. Sometimes the owner of club wants comedy to continue, just can't afford the location. Unfortunately, local audiences often fall in love with the location first, the comedy second. It always starts with a club going from having shows all week to suddenly only being open on the weekend. From there, the club closes altogether and suddenly relocates and becomes "Comedy Night at Dave's Bowling Alley". It's admirable that the owners want the comedy club to live on, damn the odds...but it's hard to get audiences as excited as they were when the show looked like something you see on TV. Know what you don't see on TV? Stand-up Comedy in a bowling alley. Just sayin'.

Like every other comedian I know, I never like to see clubs fail. In fact, what I really like to see is more and more clubs opening all over the place, much as it happened during the 1980s. Unfortunately, it does happen and, when it does there are usually signs. I've only named five, but there are many. Catch the owner of the local club standing in line at the soup kitchen and chances are you've stumbled upon one I haven't yet mentioned.

My Five - Five Great Movies of 2009

2010-01-05T11:29:00.000-08:00

A new year is upon us, so I decided to take a look back at 2009 and at all the flicks I saw over the year. Every year has it's share of disappointments for me, but there are often little gems I discover, even in the worst of movie years. I'm happy to say that 2009 didn't suck do badly in terms of movies, and I actually had a hard time coming up with five favorites. That why I decided that I would simply name five movies (in no particular order) that I thought were great movies, and not necessarily "The Best". Since I'm an entertainer and not a movie critic, I managed to miss what many would call "The Best" anyway, so I have these five movies that entertained me, no matter if they were tops on any other lists.

5. The Hangover. It's rare that a comedy movie makes me laugh out loud as much as this one did. Not that I don't like comedies (duh) or anything. But, lately, so many comedy movies start strong and then fizzle out at the half-way point. The Hangover, on the other hand, managed to make me laugh from beginning to end, and even during the closing credits. A throwback to wacky adult comedies of the 80s, this movie about a group of guys on a Bachelor Party Gone Wrong managed to be gross, slapsticky, and even smart along the way. In this absurd age of trying to water everything down for children, I love the fact that it's unabashedly adult in humor and rating. The fact that it made a gazillion dollars will hopefully make Hollywood realize that grown adults like funny movies, too, and not everything has to be made for teenagers.

4. The Road. Weird fact about me? I tend to dislike depressing movies, yet love post-apocalyptic ones. It's a strange contradiction, but it's true. The Road is both, and yet one of my favorite movies of 2009. The story of a man and his son walking across a dying Earth in order to hopefully find greener pastures and thriving civilization, this movies achieves more impact with no special effects than any CGI-fest has ever delivered. Viggo Mortensen continues his trek at becoming one of my all-time favorite actors, and I find this story so much more engaging than the also-great No Country For Old Men, which was written by the same author.

3. 500 Days of Summer. The biggest surprise of 2009 as far as I'm concerned. What could've been either a schmaltzy rom-com or insufferable "indie comedy" managed to be the smartest dramady of the year. Truly the first real Chick Flick for guys, this movie shows that it's not always the man in the relationship who has fear of commitment, and that it's not always the woman who comes out looking like the hero when things go awry. It's truly one of the most honest looks at whirlwind relationships ever put on film. A scene depicting simultaneous shots of "Expectations vs. Reality" is one of the most inspiring moments in movies I've seen in a long time, and the out-of-nowhere dance sequence (!) had me grinning like an idiot.

2. Inglorious Basterds. Was cautious about this film in the months leading up to its release for several reasons. First of all, it had been hyped for years, which always bugs me about movies. I hate being told I have to love a movie before it has even been made. Secondly, director Tarantino pissed me off with his vanity project Deathproof, a movie that was a direct contradiction of what he claimed it would be. All is forgiven, however, with this absolutely entertaining yarn about WWII. Sure, he totally screws around with history for the sake of giving the audience a great show, but that's not the point. More than any other movie in 2009, Basterds features some scenes with real edge-of-your-seat tension. Combine that with some intense action scenes and great performances by every single cast member, and we're left with one of the best movies of the decade, not just the year.

1. Up in the Air. It's hard for me to describe why this is possibly my favorite movie of the year. Having spent more than a year with no apartment, merely living on the road and going from gig to gig and one hotel to another, I relate to the main character in this film so much more than I thought I would. Anyone who has travelled for a living will likely see parts of himself in this film, and George Clooney manages to make an unlikeable lifestyle (and person) somehow charming. It carefully observes the life of those who spend more time travelling than they do at home, and what it feels like when one realizes that such a lifestyle is becoming stale. Besides that, it's often very funny and very sincere. Don't let the quirky soundtrack fool you (it was directed by Jason Reitman, who directed Juno and apparently loves quirky songs played on acoustic guitar), the movie is a very grown-up look at how life can pass you by without you even having the time to realize it. Deserves all the praise it gets.

I'm sure that, if I sit down and think about it, I'll come up with five more films I think are truly amazing, as well. 12 months is a lot of movie-watching, and I sometimes have to do some serious Google searching to remember some gems that have since slipped my mind. As long as the movies don't make my "Worst" list, I'm pleased.

You know five of my favorites of 2009. What are some of yours?

My Five - My Five LEAST Favorite Christmas Movies

2009-12-06T15:11:00.000-08:00

I have to watch Christmas movies. My DVR is set to find them every single year, whether they be under looked gems that I've simply never gotten around to seeing or classics that I know by heart. Yes, I have a stack of Christmas movies in my DVD collection, and I'll catch one in the theatre every year if the buzz is good. Unfortunately, I'm sometimes disappointed in what I see, and not every Christmas movie leaves me feeling that holiday cheer. Below are five examples where I've felt more Scrooge and less Cratchit.

5. Fred Claus (2007). Oh, how I wanted to like this movie. I like Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Kevin Spacey, and Christmas movies. It should've been a no-brainer. Instead, this movie is a combination of silly gags that go nowhere and sped-up action made to look wacky. It's a shame, not only because of the great cast, but because it's also a great idea for a Christmas movie. Unfortunately, it's only mildly amusing and rather forgettable. When I heard they were making a comedy about Santa Claus' jealous younger brother, I was excited. Such a shame I got coal in my stocking that year thanks to this turkey.

4. Jingle All The Way (1996). This movie is (in)famous for being the last comedy Arnold Schwarzenegger has starred in to date, and being a massively panned holiday flick. Even for people who don't listen to all the "Christmas is too commercialized" whining will find reason to turn their noses up at this flick. The plot centers around Schwarzenegger going crazy all over town trying to find a specific toy for his spoiled brat of a son, and gives us the impression that he'll only be a loser if he doesn't find it. I've been told that it's different when you watch it with kids, and am fully aware that it actually has plenty of fans (it has to date made a ton of cash), but to anyone else over the age of ten, it's very awkward and silly. And not in a good way.

3. Christmas With The Kranks (2004). Or, as I like to call it, "The John Grisham Christmas Debacle". Yes, everyone's favorite legal thriller author wrote the book Skipping Christmas, which was the basis of this awful Tim Allen vehicle. Full of bad prat falls and weird slapsticky moments, this movie is about how a couple wants to go away on a Caribbean vacation instead of staying home for the holidays...and what douchebags they apparently are for feeling that way. As much as it was hated by critics everywhere, it's somehow another awful Christmas movie that was actually a hit in theatres and on home video. If you like watching Tim Allen fall down, you should check it out. That's pretty much the plot.

2. Surviving Christmas (2004). The also-bad movie Christmas With The Kranks was originally called Skipping Christmas (from the book of the same name) before this movie was announced to also be in production at the time. A very awkward and uncomfortable film about a man (Ben Affleck) paying another man (James Gandolfini) to help him re-create the Christmas of his childhood, this movie was a screw-up in many different ways. First of all, it was released over a year after it was completed, and found its way into theatres in October! A box office flop, it was then released on home video less than two months later, where still no one cared about it. Yet another movie with a very talented cast, it's simply not funny and makes the assumption that slapstick is enough to carry a holiday film. It isn't.

1. How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000). It's a bad idea to take a beloved children's book and classic animated TV special and turn it into a live-action film. To make it a contradiction of itself is even worse. A monster hit in theatres (it stayed there into March of the following year!), a huge hit on home video, and now an annual tradition on TV, this Jim Carrey-starring movie is beloved by people everywhere. But anyone without small children will see it was dumb and goofy, with Carrey managing to mug it up through pounds of admittedly impressive make-up and effects. The biggest problem with this film, besides being an unnecessary remake of a readily-available classic? It preaches against the commercialization of Christmas and is yet one of the most commercialized Christmas movies ever made. This Grinch wound up on everything from fast-food containers to pencil boxes, and you couldn't go anywhere for months without seeing Carrey's green face slapped on something.

Luckily, there are few Christmas movies that I despise, and can even tolerate the ones that appear on this list a time or two. Still, with so many wonderful holiday classics to enjoy and new ones being created every single year, there's no reason to settle for Spam when you can have ham. Sit down and enjoy Jimmy Stewart instead or watch Ralphie pine for his Red Rider BB gun. Either choice is going to leave you in better holidays spirits than anything you'll find here.

Those are five of my least favorite Christmas movies. What are some that you can't stand?

My Five - My Five LEAST Favorite Christmas Songs

2009-12-05T15:06:00.001-08:00

As much as I'm accused of being a fan of all things Christmas, I'm certainly not always that easy to please. In fact, there are many parts of the holiday that I just can't stand. Below are five examples of "holiday classics" that always manage to be far more grating than festive whenever I hear them on the radio. In fact, a surefire way to get me to zip my hand over the the "Off" switch faster than Mr Myagi catching a fly with chopsticks is to play any of these songs. Bah, Humbug, terrible tunes.

5. "Santa Baby", by Anyone. Although the original Eartha Kitt version annoys me the least of all, I can't stand this tune. First of all, while trying to be sexy, most women who sing it come off sounding childish. It's like watching someone trying to be sexy while wearing clown shoes. Secondly, the song is just plain creepy. It brings to mind a dirty old man being serenaded by a teenager which, unless you're one of the old broads who somehow doesn't realize how sick you are for loving Twilight, is not remotely what someone should think of when it's Christmastime.

4. "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas", by Gayla Peevy. This 1953 novelty song has thankfully not been one of those songs that gets remade or recorded countless times every year. In fact, I seem to hear it a little less every year, something that fills me with Christmas joy. Besides just being a dumb song about an oh-so-precious kid singing about wanting some crazy gift, there's really nothing about this song that says Christmas to me at all. You could easily change it to "I Want a Hippopotamus for My Birthday" and no one would even notice. And, by the way, with the exception of "Christmastime Is Here", listening to children sing isn't nearly as cute as people like to keep pretending.

3. "Feliz Navidad", by Anyone. This 1970 gem is one of the top 25 most played Christmas songs of all time. Too bad it's so damned annoying. It's not that it's in Spanish that makes it so; it's the fact that it's too freaking repetitious. There's only something like four lines in the the entire song, which seems to go on and on and on. On top of that, nothing about it sounds like Christmas. It sounds more like something you would hear while sitting on a beach somewhere, sipping pina coladas. Call me a purist, I can't think of Christmas if I'm building sandcastles and getting tan.

2. "Jingle Bells" By The Singing Dogs. There are people who absolutely love this 1955 novelty song. In fact, it has sold well over a million copies and will probably keep Denmark musician Don Clark's family pretty financially set for decades to come. But it's lame, and not even very creative. It's just samples of dogs barking the perennial classic "Jingle Bells" over and over again. Nowadays, a child could record this on a Casio keyboard but, for some reason, it's considered a classic. Mostly, however, this song is loved by holiday-hating jerks who like to think the song is somehow "rebellious" or speaks about how much the holiday sucks. No, the song sucks. Christmas rocks.

1. "The Christmas Shoes", by Newsong. It baffles me that so many people love this awful, manipulative song that masquerades as a Christmas tune. Luckily I am not alone, since it is also cited as being one of the most hated Holiday Songs of all time. Based on an Internet email chain letter that was sent around in the early 90s, this cheesy tune actually took the band Newsong four years to write. How it's even possible to take that long to suck this bad is an amazing feat all it's own. The song is about a woman dying on Christmas Eve (HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!) and her bafflingly stupid child trying to buy her shoes in which she can be buried. A lot of people love the song because the singer keeps saying the woman is going to "Meet Jesus Tonight" (Get it? Jesus = Christmas!) instead of saying that she's going to drop dead on what is normally a festive time of year for kids everywhere. Sorry, gang, singing about death on Christmas just plain sucks. Here's the biggest irony: Misinformed people always try to say that this song preaches against the commercialization of Christmas when, in fact, it's one of the most appallingly commercialized Christmas songs ever, having been made into a book and two TV movies.

The hardest (and most hilarious) part of writing about things I think suck is that people will defend to the death their love of the very same thing I despise. I have no doubt that people are already lining up to praise heaps of sugary love on that heinous "Shoes" tune, since nothing says Christmas like the awful emptiness that comes when the parent of a small child succumbs to death. Still, I stand by my hatred for each of these songs as much as I stand by my love for "A Holly, Jolly Christmas". One of them featured Burl Ives' majestic voice wishing us a happy holiday and singing of kissing under the mistletoe, and another had dogs barking in tune. Call me a Scrooge for preferring sleigh bells over dog crap.

My Five - My Five Favorite Christmas Movies

2009-12-03T21:48:00.000-08:00

The popcorn is ready, the hot chocolate is, well, hot, and the TV is calling my name. It's time once again to sit down and enjoy some of my favorite Christmas movies. As any Christmas fan like myself knows, it's important to have a nice stack of Holiday movies on hand for viewing during this time of year. The list of Christmas flicks to choose from is endless, but below are five of my personal favorites.

5. The Ref. A bad decision was made in 1994 when this movie was released in the middle of summer, rather than during the holiday season, as it was originally intended. Someone at a studio somewhere was afraid it wouldn't be a hit. Well, releasing it during the summer was worse, and it went mostly unseen until it hit cable and video. It's a shame, because it's probably Denis Leary's finest work until Rescue Me. A hilarious movie that manages to still get the spirit of Christmas along the way, The Ref still doesn't get the attention it deserves. Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis are along for the ride, but don't miss Leary's trademark tirade during the closing credits. Close second: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

4. Miracle on 34th Street. I'm not mentioning which version of this movie that I like because, honestly, I like them all. The story of Santa Claus on trial because of a feud between rival department stores gets to the heart of the constant battle over the commercialization of Christmas. Plus, it brings out the kid in you as an adult to watch it and realize how differently you may view old Kris Kringle as you grow older yourself. It's not about whether or not Santa Claus is real. It's about whether or not you believe. Watching a movie like this one, I always want to.

3. It's A Wonderful Life. What Christmas movie list would be complete without this movie? Just today, I was thinking how--although countless movies have tried to imitate it--no one has actually sat down and tried to remake this holiday classic. And why should they? It still stands up amazingly well, over sixty years later. Not a big hit when it was released in 1946, it is now probably the most famous holiday movie ever made. The idea that a person can be shown, all in an instant, what life would be like if he were never born is inspired. Jimmy Stewart is amazing in what became one of his best-known roles. And you'll always remember "Merry Christmas, Bailey Brothers and Loan!"

2. Love, Actually. This 2003 romantic comedy was actually several different un-made movie ideas slapped together into one story, courtesy of the folks behind Four Weddings and a Funeral. Don't let that fool you; the movie is often very funny and almost always sweet and romantic. Definitely a Christmas movie for cynical adults, the flick examines everything from platonic love between pals to ill-conceived office flirtations with married people. Almost every actor in the thing is completely charming, which is a feat considering how many stuffy Brits are in it. You'll be in the holiday spirit and grinning like an idiot from the opening chords of "Christmas Is All Around", and the cheesy glory with which it is sung.

1. A Christmas Story. I saw this in the theatre with my family in 1983. I still remember that day well, despite the fact that watching it became an annual tradition in my house for years afterwards. Yet another movie that wasn't a huge hit in theatres yet has since become a holiday classic, A Christmas Story is hilarious, heartwarming, awkward, and touching all at the same time. For a kid growing up in the 80s, it introduced sayings I never knew, such as "Triple Dog Dare". Of course, everyone will remember "You'll shoot your eye out". Based on the writings of humorist Jean Sheperd, this movie captures the feeling of pre-war Midwestern America during the holidays, and it doesn't pull punches when showing just how crude kids can be when the adults aren't around. By the way, that's Jean Sheperd himself standing in line waiting to see Santa, scolding young Ralphie (Peter Billingsly) that "The Line Ends Here".

It seems that the problem with Christmas lists is that it's simply too hard to choose five Holiday movies that I love. The list goes on and on, and new movies are being made ever year which become instant classics. I suppose it's only a matter of time until one of the flicks on this list gets replaced by something else. Still, the movies here will always stand the test of time, as far as I'm concerned, and will always find their way into my home during the Christmas season.

These are five of my favorites. What are some of yours?

My Five - My Five Favorite Christmas Specials

2009-12-03T14:29:00.000-08:00

Like every other child of the late 70s and early 80s, I was raised in front of the TV. Saturday morning cartoons were a staple in my house, as were after-school specials and countless sitcoms. Some of my favorite memories from my childhood come from the Holiday Season, when I'd sit in front of the tube and watch whatever classic specials the networks decided to put on that year. As luck would have it, they put on the same specials pretty much every year, so I always got to catch my favorites every Christmas. Below are five I remember the most.

5. Rich Little's Christmas Carol. This special wasn't just highly entertaining, it was also very impressive. Impressionist Rich Little played almost every single role, which leads me to believe that it must've taken forever to film the thing. There was W.C. Fields as Scrooge, Truman Capote (!) as Tiny Tim, and Paul Lynde as Bob Cratchit. Originally aired on HBO in 1978, the special looks quite dated now (most of the people being impersonated are dead), which is probably why it doesn't seem to be broadcast anymore. In the early 80s, however, I must've watched this thing three times a day, which is about how many times HBO showed it during the month of December.

4. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town. This is one of those stop-motion animation specials that seemed all over the place in the 60s and 70s. With Mickey Rooney as Santa and Fred Astaire as the narrator, this special is a huge holiday classic, and is repeated on TV every single year. It has also been released numerous times on DVD, so it's easy to find it. Truly a timeless special, kids will love it as much today as I did all those years ago. Honestly, though, I soured of this special for a while. One Holiday Season, I worked at a Macy's that showed this on a constant loop on their TVs. After hearing it play 12 times in a row in one day, I needed about ten years off from it before it was cute again.

3. 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. It was hard to give the number 3 spot to this one, simply because it tied with Frosty the Snowman, really. Jimmy Durante narrating Frosty will always be classic. But this animated version of 'Twas has always been a personal favorite, even though the main characters are adorable mice. Featuring the voice of Broadway legend Joel Grey, this special boasts the catchy song "Even a Miracle Needs a Hand", which I think deserves more Holiday airplay than it has ever received. It's on DVD, usually packaged with Frosty or some other lesser-known specials of the day.

2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The longest-running holiday special in history, and only one of four specials from the 60s which is still being broadcast annually, Rudolph is still a wonderful show to watch. This debuted in 1964, and I really wonder what it must've been like to tune in and catch it back then. It still stands up incredibly well (was digitally remastered in 2005), even if today's kids have no idea who Burl Ives is, other than being some talking snowman. Nowadays, it runs on TV several times every December. Back when I was a kid, however, you could only catch it once a year, and I always went out of my way to do so. This is the special that let us know that no one wants a thin Santa and that Bumbles bounce. (Runner up: How The Grinch Stole Christmas)

1. A Charlie Brown Christmas. Although it is perhaps now the most beloved Christmas special ever made, this Peanuts cartoon almost never happened. Officials at CBS thought Charlie Brown was a "loser" and that no one would care about him. On top of that, Peanuts creator Charles Schulz insisted on keeping in a key scene involving Linus quoting directly from the Bible, which network people were afraid would turn audiences away. Almost fifty years later, the special is now a bonafide classic and loved all over the world...even by agnostics like myself. It was filmed on a tiny budget, with poor animation and voice-over work by untrained children, yet it is still a great viewing experience during The Holidays. Originally sponsored by Coke, with tons of product placement (Snoopy tosses Linus through a Coke billboard in the original broadcast), we'll never see this again the way it was originally shown. Regardless, hearing Vince Guaraldi's "Linus and Lucy" and "Christmastime is Here" will make kids and adults everywhere smile each and every year.

With every single TV show in history now finding its way to DVD, we're lucky to be able to own our favorite holiday classics and to watch them whenever we want. Still, the excited feeling I got as a kid that one time a year when my favorite specials would air on broadcast TV just can't be beat.

Those are five of my favorites. Tell me about yours.

My Five - My Five Favorite Christmas Songs

2009-12-01T00:58:00.000-08:00

I admit it, I'm a sucker for Christmastime. It strikes many people as odd, considering that the other eleven months of the year I'm an incredible cynic. Still, the holiday season is absolutely my favorite time of year, and I'm probably the cheesiest person I know when it comes to the festive stuff. Although I'm not at all the person who starts listening to Christmas music before (American) Thanksgiving, I'm all about the holiday tunes once December rolls around.

Below is a list of five of my favorite Christmas songs. Honestly, though, this list could easily be ten times as long, so it was very hard to just choose five. In fact, I feel kind of Scrooge-like for being so stingy with the list in the first place.

5. "Last Christmas" by Wham! Yes, you have to put an exclamation point after "Wham", because that's actually part of the name. This song is pure 80s cheese, and yet it's a true classic to me when it comes to Christmas. There is hardly a finer modern pop holiday classic than this tune, all about a person with a broken heart who somehow manages to sound quite happy. Like every other holiday song, it has been remade many times, with only the version by Jimmy Eat World being a close second in my opinion.

4. "Christmastime is here" by Vince Guaraldi. Who would've thought that a jazz song would be such a perfect Christmas tune? Written for the classic Peanuts Christmas special, there aren't many versions of this song that I don't like, including the original, which is simply a piano, drums (played with brushes, not sticks), and children's choir. Surprisingly melancholy despite it's joyful lyrics, this is the song I listen to as I sit next to the fire with a glass of scotch. On Christmas night, after the gifts are open and you're staring at the tree lights in the darkness, this is the perfect holiday song to wind down with as the season comes to a close.

3. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Frank Sinatra. Another song that is one of my favorites no matter who is singing it, but Frank will always get the nod. How can you resist Ol' Blue Eyes managing to cheer you up despite what was originally written as a tragic lament about feeling out of place and getting older? It's no coincidence that most of the songs on this list are slow ballads, and that's because there's no better time to relax than The Holidays. If Frank can't help you unwind, there's no hope for you at all, Ebeneezer. Close runner up? "Mistletoe and Holly", also by Frank.

2. "Same Auld Lang Syne" By Dan Fogelberg. Technically not a Christmas song, but it's hard to listen to it any other time of year. A sad song about a man running into a former love on Christmas Eve, this song is the kind that makes you reflect upon an entire decade in under five minutes. It's the kind of song that makes you think about "the one that got away", only to realize that it's probably good it wound up that way. When he sings at the end "Just for a moment, I was back in school...and felt that old, familiar pain", you'll know exactly what that feeling is. You'd be crazy never to have felt it. Should auld acquaintance be forgot, indeed.

1. "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole. This is not only another example of a slow, quiet song being strangely uplifting, it's probably the one by which all others should be judged. Written by the legendary Mel Torme, the Nat King Cole version will always outshine any other version before or since. The popular Cole version you hear every year was actually his fourth take on it, in 1961, having already made it popular in the 40s. Torme (and his co-writer, Bob Wells) actually wrote the song during a brutally hot summer, dreaming of cooler weather. Since then, it has become the most recorded Christmas song in history. It may have been said many times, many ways, but it has never been said quite as well.

Perhaps one of the finest things about Holiday music is that it is only played for roughly six weeks every year. Yet the sounds of the season manage to stay with us for our entire lives, with words and music we never seem to forget. Call me sentimental, but I love that time of year, and am always happy to hear some of my favorite holiday music played on the radio. Of course, that doesn't mean you'll find me anywhere near a mall in the month of December. Holiday music I like. Holiday shoppers? Not so much.

Got a favorite Christmas song? I want to know. It's your turn to tell me all about it.

My Five - "Christmas Carol" Adaptations

2009-11-30T16:10:00.000-08:00

I recently caught the Jim Carrey-starring, 3D version of my favorite book of all time, A Christmas Carol. I wasn't terribly impressed with the movie, mostly because it seemed more interested in showing off neato effects rather than having the heart and soul that makes me love the actual story as much as I do. I'm not just a casual Carol fan, mind you, so I can be a bit picky. I've been a big fan of the novel most of my life, and tend to catch as many interpretations as I can every holiday season. With the newest Disney creation out of the way, I looked back on some of my favorite versions of this timeless tale. Here are My Five favorite versions thus far.

5. Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. When I tell people that this is one of my favorite versions of this story, it is either met with questionable looks or with high-fives. People tend to love this version, although I'm surprised how many have never seen it. The very first animated holiday special made specifically for television, this 1962 cartoon is still as enjoyable when I watch it today as when I stumbled upon it accidentally one weekend afternoon when I was ten years old. Sure, there are some liberties taken (The Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present appear out of order) and the animation looks dated, but the songs are still catchy and the spirit of the tale rings true. It's on DVD in a few versions, so I highly recommend you check it out. Your kids will love it.

4. Mickey's Christmas Carol. I saw this as a kid (also when I was ten years old) in the theatre when they re-released The Rescuers. At the time, it was the first animated feature from Disney in thirty years. Mickey Mouse as Bob Cratchit is inspired, and the animation is still excellent. It's a very nice blend of Dickens and Disney, although a recent viewing has me admitting that it's much more for the kiddies than any of my other choices on this list. Still, at less than thirty minutes long, it's hard not to enjoy it at any age. And what better choice was there to play Ebeneezer Scrooge than...Scrooge McDuck?

3. Scrooged. To this day, I can't watch this 1988 Bill Murray movie without having the song "Put a Little Love In Your Heart" stuck in my head for three days. A big hit in theatres and on home video, this movie gets something very right that so many other adaptations (loosely-based or otherwise) seem to get wrong: It shows the "Scrooge" character as flawed but not completely soulless. Even when he's a complete ass, Murray's Frank Cross retains some humanity underneath his bitter narcissism. Dickens didn't write Scrooge as one-dimensional as so many adaptations have made him out to be, and neither does this light-hearted, fun flick. Yeah, it's dated and quite 80s in it's look and feel. But what's wrong with that, exactly?

2. A Christmas Carol (1951). This classic movie is often cited by critics and casual viewers as being the definitive version of Dickens tale ever put to film. It is excellent, of course, and only ranks #2 on my list because of pure sentimental reasons. It could easily tie for #1. Although it takes its liberties (in fact, adds things to the story which turn out to be good ideas), it's extremely faithful to the source material. As Ebeneezer Scrooge, British actor Alastair Sim became synonymous with the role, and there's not a December that goes by that his name isn't praised. In Great Britain, this was released as Scrooge, although it's rare to find it sold that way these days.

1. The Muppet Christmas Carol. I will not go a Christmas without watching this movie. Although it was released when I was in college, it always manages to make me feel like I'm a kid again. Michael Caine as Scrooge is inspired, and the story being anchored by The Great Gonzo (playing Charles Dickens) and Rizzo the Rat was a great way to keep the laughs coming. Paul Williams' music is so very catchy, and there's at least four different songs in here that you'll find yourself humming well after Christmas is over. Surprisingly, this is also one of the most faithful adaptations of the story and manages to capture a real Dickensian feeling, despite the fact that you're watching Kermit the Frog strolling around 19th century England. I saw it on a date when it was first released. I suggest you do the same. It's oddly romantic, and will one day be considered the true holiday classic it is.

It's actually hard to find only five versions of this story to recommend to viewers, since it seems a new one pops up every year and so many of them are almost as entertaining as the ones on this list. For TV fans, I'll always recommend the Family Ties episode where Michael J. Fox's character learns the true meaning of Christmas and buys his presents at a 7-11. If you can't find that show, of course, make certain you spend a little time with Miss Piggy this year.

A Little "Yes" Would Be Just Fine, Thanks

2009-10-02T02:49:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson was surrounded by "Yes Men". So was Elvis. In fact, find a mega-superstar, and he was likely surrounded by "Yes People". These are people who constantly tell the celebrity that he's always right, and constantly say "Yes" to anything he suggests or attempts. It's because of "Yes Men" that so many entertainers are huge narcisists and have a problem believing they could ever come up with a bad idea.

Anyone in show business knows that the worst thing to be surrounded by are Yes Men. In fact, most comedians I know go out of their way to find people who won't constantly tell them how right they are. It's Yes Men who told Michael Jackson that The Neverland Ranch wasn't creepy, and Yes Men who told Elvis that "The Jungle Room" looked good. Yes Men created "Battlefield Earth", just so you'd know.

I've been lucky over the past few years to have my career starting to kick in a little bit and for my star to shine a teensy bit brighter. Think that, along the way, I've accumulated a few Yes Men of my own?

Nope. Not at all. Whew.

As nice as it is to not have myself surrounded by people willing to lie to me in the face of my own bad judgement, I have to admit I've been craving a little bit of happy, blind faith lately.

Despite what many of my agents would have me believe, I know that--deep down--I'm not an asshole. For that reason, I'm lucky enough to have many friends, family members, and genuine fans around to support me and all of my endeavors in this ridiculous business we call "Show". Everyone is honest and sincere, and that's great.

And that often sucks.

Because I accept (and expect) honesty from everyone I know, I get brutal freaking honesty from everyone I know. This means that every person I know freely shares with me his opinion about every last project in which I'm involved. The only part that sucks is that these opinions are rarely the same.

The last TV interview I did, I was told by one friend that I was extremely arrogant. Another friend told me I came off as insecure (?). My girlfriend's father told me I wasn't funny. A friend in Ohio told me I was hilarious. Several people said I needed a tan. A few people told me I should dress differently. Others told me I dressed better than in other interviews.

The crititques come full force, and they are rarely the same. It gets to the point where I have no idea to whom I should be listening. Do I take the advice of the person who tells me that I should be less arrogant...? Or the person who tells me to bleach my hair? Should I try to be less funny? Should I crack more jokes? Every person that tells me I'm hilarious is followed by someone who tells me I'm boring.

I cannot imagine being famous. Is it all of this times a thousand? Would I be surrounded by people constantly telling me how I do nothing wrong...or surrounded by people telling me everything I do wrong, like I am now, with me baffled at how each person has something different to say than the last one did? And I'm nobody. Nothing. Not famous. If dozens of people breathing down my neck gives me a headache, what will thousands feel like?

They say that everyone's a crtic. They aren't kidding.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy to have so many supportive people in my life that everyone wants to see me succeed. After all, that's the only reason people offer criticism in the first place. No one wants to see me fail, and for that I'm extremely grateful.

But a few "Yes Men" would be great right about now.

See, I'm never trying to fail. Whenever I do a joke, or write an article, or do a TV interview, or appear on the radio...I'm always looking to succeed. I want to have the best show, the best article, the best interview. I don't go into anything thinking "Here's my chance to be mediocre...hope everyone is apathetic to it". I want it to be a smash, every time. But, if something goes wrong, or simply is delievered in a way I didn't intend, there's always a million reasons for it, and they're not always in my control. Trust me, I'm doing my best.

I don't know if my feelings in this matter really make any sense. My father was an aeronautical engineer. He worked with brilliant minds and can still do Calculus in his head. I often wonder if he had forty different mathematicians around him giving him forty different opinions on how he designed the left wing on a jet plane. If so, I can finally say that--other than a love for George Carlin--we have finally found that one thing we have in common.

Of course, if he took the wrong opinion, an engine on a plane might fall off. If I take the wrong opinion, I wind up with bad hair on "Good Morning America".

Here We Go Again...

2009-09-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

Well, my promise to blog more seems to have already been broken. Not intentionally, mind you. It's just that I got terribly sick for a week and then spent the next week just playing catch-up. My apologies for anyone who felt they were missing out on something exciting.

I'm still holding a "Name Ward's Book" contest, from now until the end of the year. Put quite simply, I'm looking for people to come up with names for my new book, which will be a collection of interviews, articles, and essays. A few random stories will be thrown in, as well. Currently, the title in the lead is "Musings of an Insomniac". If you can best that title, you will win a free autographed copy of the book, as well as YOUR NAME on the "Acknowledgements" page. Not too shabby, eh?

In the meantime, please know how pissed I am at vampires. Yes, vampires. You know why? Because every third writer out there (thanks to Stefanie Meyer) has decided to write about teenaged vampires. Now the book market is completely flooded with teenaged vampire stories. On top of that, every chick lit author has churned out a "quirky romantic vampire" book to toss on shelves everywhere. Know that that means? No vampire book from yours truly.

Yes, I was actually working on a pretty neato vampire book. It was NOT some gothic horror story or Anne Rice lovefest. It was NOT about teenagers who are pale and lonely and brood. It was NOT a romantic comedy about a quirky woman with a cat who somehow never gets laid and yet meets an adorable vampire. It was supposed to be a satirical story about the entertainment industry, with some vampires and demons thrown in who just so happened to be dripping with utter sarcasm.

But, since there are now way more vampire books than anyone could ever want, there is no agent, editor, or publisher in North America interested in another vampire story. So, my fully-fleshed-out and outlined novel will sit unwritten (and undead...HA!) on my shelf. At least for ten years, until people finally come back to vampires....when all the teenagers are grown up, I guess.

So, thanks a lot, angst-ridden bloodsuckers. Because you sad, brooding teens couldn't get enough of being pale and being forever 17, I've got to toss aside my clever little jab at show business.

Unless, of course, I can re-write it to center around mummies. They aren't overexposed yet, right?

Welcome to Sick

2009-09-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

Feeling fine and healthy, I suddenly wound up sick today out of nowhere. Yay. It started with one sneeze. An hour later, I sneezed again. An hour after that, sneeze number three let me know I was well on my way to Sick Town. See, I rarely sneeze. To do it more than a couple of times a day is all I need to clue me in.

I used to never get sick but apparently my constant travel now makes me an easy target to evil infections everywhere. I know, it seems hard to believe that a life spent sleeping in hotels, constantly shaking hands with strangers, and keeping irregular hours would somehow subject me to questionable health, but it's true.

So, I will sit here in my room in Louisville, eating chicken soup and drinking orange juice until I begin a week of shows and interviews. That's the worst part, of course: I never get sick at home when I've got nothing going on. I'm always sick when I'm on the road with a billion things I need to be doing.

The "Home Remedies" have already started pouring in, but I'm sticking with the chicken soup, orange juice, and generic cold medication. Thanks to everyone for the suggestions, but I'm not going to be sticking my hand in a glass of parsley juice while humming. Not again, at least.

The Endless PR Machine Continues

2009-09-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

It's a fabulous Monday and, as I sit here enjoying a smoothie at a Panera Bread in Kentucky, I'm surprisingly chipper for a guy who slept only a few hours and then drove three hundred miles earlier this morning.

I'm appearing all week at The Comedy Caravan in Louisville. I'm excited about the shows for a number of reasons, not just because I like being in one place for several days, but because this will be my first visit to this particular comedy club. I've always heard great things, so I'm looking forward to finding out for myself. Perhaps some of my Cincinnati friends will make the way across the border and come check out a show? We shall see. As always, I hope to see ANYONE who has seen me once come check out the show a second time.

In my quest to conquer daytime television, four minutes at a time, I'll be appearing on "Louisville Live This Morning" on The CW network this Thursday (September 17th) around 10am. By all means, tune in and check out the show. Otherwise, wait until I post the clip, like I always do.

The TV network's site is here:

http://www.cwlouisville.com/index.html

Honestly, though, I do enjoy doing these morning show interviews. It's always a bit different and I think I'm finally getting the hang of it. Perhaps I should try to get a show of my own? I'm getting used to doing them, so maybe that's the next call I should be making to my agent.

Of course, getting up that early just once in a while is hard enough. I can't imagine doing it every single day. I've never envied my friends in morning radio, getting up when I'm usually going to bed, heading to work and trying to be entertaining before the sun is up. Being funny on a whim is hard enough onstage in front of drunks. Doing it every day, on the radio, on command is even worse.

Everyone is talking about the MTV Video Music Awards today...except me. I suppose I should some up with something witty to say, but I really couldn't care less. I'm not concerned with what Kanye West said about Taylor Swift, or how everyone reacts today. Sometimes I just feel like I'm a clueless old man, as I completely ignore what's going on with popular music and just turning up my iPod and listening to The Beatles all day long.

...and The Monkees, too.

So there.

More PR stuff on the way, too. I'm committing to writing my blog as often as possible. I used to simply write the occasional article or re-print my interviews. Until the next book arrives, I'm going to try to stay in touch with everyone as much as possible. So, by all means, drop me a line and give me something to tallk about.

...yes, even the VMA's.

Comic Book Movies That Suck

2009-03-06T13:36:00.000-08:00

Today I took in a matinee of the movie "Watchmen", based upon a graphic novel I read when I was still in high school. "Watchmen" has been touted as the most-acclaimed graphic novel of all time, and the inspiration for countless comic books and comic book movies. Having seen a well-made (if imperfect) comic book movie, I'm left reminiscing over comic book movies gone by that failed to live up to expectations. In fact, the movies listed below just plain suck. If the road to Hell is, indeed, paved with good intentions, then the road to the Bargain Bin at Blockbuster is paved with copies of these disasters.

Batman and Robin. This is too easy, and this movie is typically at the top of the list of bad comic book movies. This movie gave fans everywhere the now-classic mantra, "Nipples on the Batsuit"! Yes, there were nipples on the costume, but that was hardly the problem with this movie. Frankly, those nipples are are almost impossible to see most of the time, much like the point of this awful flick. Imagine if a child consumed a Batman comic book and then puked it onto a cineplex screen for ninety minutes. Bad casting all around make this fourth entry in the Batman series an eye-rolling debacle. The fact that director Joel Schumaker tried to pay homage to the campy 60s series is absurd, given the fact that the movie franchise was started to help people forget it in the first place.
Captain America. There was a bad 1979 TV movie about Captain America (followed by an also forgettable TV sequel), but it can be completely forgiven since it was a low-budget backdoor pilot that was a product of it's time. In 1990, a theatrical version of ol' Cap was publicized during the boom following Tim Burton's Batman the year before. It was featured on Entertainment Tonight, and posters were plastered in theaters everywhere. But it never was released in cineplexes and, two years later, was quietly put on video shelves until it eventually went out of print. Why? The movie sucks balls. First of all, Captain America's costume is a very dull and bland, complete with rubber ears sewn onto the head. No matter, the character himself is made into a complete and utter pussy, getting his ass repeatedly handed to him throughout the film. The movie even has the audacity to give the audience Cap's arch-nemesis, The Red Skull, and take away that character's--you know--red skull. The movie contains almost zero action until the last ten minutes or so, when Captain America suddenly grows a pair and finally throws his mighty shield. By the time that happens, the audience wishes that shield were being thrown at them.
Catwoman. Several months before this movie was released, the studio gave the press photos of Halle Berry in her Catsuit. The idea was to show the public how sexy she was dressed as the famous Batman villain/love interest. Instead, the public laughed and started talking about how much that movie was going to chug donkey piss. And, boy, did it. Halle Berry is normally sexy but, in this film, completely laughable. The film, much like the title character's costume, looks as if it were put together by a high school drama club. Everything about the movie is a joke, including the main villain, played by Sharon Stone. The best part of the movie is that you'll think you're just watching Sharon Stone acting like herself for a couple of hours. Aw, did I just say that? You bet! Meow!
The Punisher. I know what you're thinking. There have been three different Punisher movies based on the Marvel comic book character. All three movies have starred different actors, and all three have been completely different in tone, plot, and overall composition. You are correct. Know what else? All three of them have blown. Each movie has managed to get the title character wrong in one way or another, making him everything from a sweaty naked yoga dude to a drunken crybaby who befriends lonely fat guys. If you take all three actors and roll them into one, you might get a decent Punisher. That's not the worst part, however, when it comes to this Trilogy of Suck. The plots in all three movies are stupid, even by comic book standards, and the villains are absolutely laughable. The secret to making a good comic book villain into a movie villain is to make certain you don't make him into a cartoon. All three Punisher movies fail when it comes to this.
Ghost Rider. People beat up Nicholas Cage too much, and often for things that simply aren't his fault. Ghost Rider is one of those movies people toss out as a way to smack Cage around a bit, but the movies sucktitude is not because he fails to deliver. He plays the title character just fine, especially since said character is mostly just a CGI effect when onscreen. The problem with this movie is that, first of all, the character himself was never that great an idea to begin with and, secondly, the film itself is nothing but a video game. Seriously, you can take the actual plot and put it into any scrolling game you ever played on your old Sega Genesis. The main character fights a bunch of low lives, beats them, and then has to take on the "Big Boss" at the end of the game--er, movie. The effects aren't that good to begin with, adding to that video game vibe. The worst effect of all? Trying to convince the audience that actor Wes Bentley is a scary villain. Were you scared of the goth kid who was president of the Chess Club? Didn't think so.
Steel. It's hard to have a secret identity when you're a superhero. It's even harder to keep that secret when you're the only eight-foot tall black guy in the city, and you're just as much a pain in the ass to your nemesis out of costume as you are when you're wearing the stupid thing. Shaquille O'Neil is amazing on the basketball court, but clumsy when it comes to crime fighting. Another example of making a comic book movie out of a character that no one gave a rat's ass about in the first place. Remember that Steel comic book you so cherished as a child? Of course not. That comic never existed, and this movie never should have, either. The fact that it uses such a stupid and dated catchphrase as "It's Hammer Time" alone is enough to burn every last copy. The idea of a hero's catchphrase is that it has to be original, not stolen from another part of pop culture. Imagine if The Hulk said "Who let the dogs out?"
Superman IV. This sucker killed the Superman movie franchise until an also-bad (but for different reasons) flick was released in 2006. After making boatloads of money from three other Superman movies, the producers decided that the best thing to do with this 1987 crapfest was to actually decrease the budget. The special effects are terrible, and can now be done with green bedsheets and a camcorder. In fact, they probably were done that way back then, too. Forget the effects, the movie is stupid, with Superman fighting off Nuclear Man, a villain that would normally be used as a filler in some "Don't do Drugs" issue of a comic book you got for free in a box of cereal. The final nail in the coffin came before it even hit screens. The star of the movie, Christopher Reeve, said that the movie was going to suck before it was even done being made.
Superman Returns. This movie is well-made, to be sure, and the effects are snappy to behold. But there are so many reasons to hate it. Brandon Routh is just fine as Superman, but Kate Bosworth is horribly miscast as Lois Lane. It's rare that a veteran reporter (with a Pulitzer Prize, no less) and single mother of a five year-old looks to be about nineteen, but this movie actually wants us to believe it. On top of that, the usually stellar Kevin Spacey can't decide whether or not to play Lex Luthor as a joke or completely straight. None of that matters, really, because the entire movie is old hat. Another movie with Luthor as the villain? Snore. Another subplot centering around Superman's unrequited love for Lois? Snooze. And it's one thing when no one notices that Clark Kent isn't around when Superman is, but another to have us believe that no one noticed that they were both gone at the same time...for five years? Also, Superman doesn't really do much of anything in this movie he hasn't done before. By the time he wound up in a hospital bed (!) with his costume draped over a nearby chair, I was already done. And for crissakes, Superman, stop being surprised when people get their hands on some Kryptonite. If your one weakness is that stuff, and Lex Luthor shows up talking garbage, guess what? HE'S GOT SOME KRYPTONITE.
Judge Dredd. What was a dark and nihilistic comic book was turned into a buddy cop film with Rob Schneider. Ugh. Many people blame Schneider for this film rating so high on the suckometer, but he simply did what he was paid to do, which was be the comic relief. He's not necessary, really, because the film is already laughably bad. The first mistake was deciding that Judge Dredd needed to take off his helmet, which fans everywhere loved. Seriously, is Sly Stallone known for his dashing good looks in the first place? The second big mistake was thinking that silliness belonged where irony would've been just fine. Once again, a comic book movie is made that can't decide whether or not to be taken seriously or be campy fun. Judge Dredd tries to be both and, as usual, winds up being neither.
The Fantastic Four. It's too easy to beat up on the 2005 film and it's 2007 sequel. But those movies actually succeeded because they were--for right or wrong--made for families and not loyal comic book fans. Instead, I'm going after the never-released (but often talked-about) 1994 version of The FF that was made for less than 2 million dollars and was shelved for years. Available only a bootleg to collectors and curious fans with a little time on their hands, The Fantastic Four of '94 was made by cheapo movie producer Roger Corman, and was only made as a sneaky plan to keep copyrights on behalf of the studio. No one involved in the movie, from the cast to the director, knew they were being scammed, and that the movie would never be released. You can't tell that, however, because the movie looks like a dress rehearsal. The effects are awful, the writing is amateur, and the plot makes little sense. How bad are the effects? The Human Torch, in the final action scene, is completely animated. Not CGI, mind you. Animated. Imagine if, in the final scenes of The Dark Knight, if Batman suddenly morphed into the opening credits of the 60s series. Now you have an idea of what this movie looked like. It sucked ass.

There are plenty of horrible comic book movies that could've made this list, of course. Lucky for me, I only included awful movies I've actually seen. So, no Electra on this list, thank you very much. I also failed to mention the movies that I actually liked that everyone else seems to think are downright terrible. So, no Daredevil, either. At the very least, when the movies suck, we still have our comic books to enjoy forever. Until they make that Steel sequel, of course.

Make Ward Famous...And Eat!

2009-02-14T13:17:00.000-08:00

Alrighty, fans and friends and everyone in between.

It has come to my attention that, despite what I believe in my own mind, I am not yet famous. Nope. Not even a little bit. On the "Fame" scale, I'm still "Obscure". This, despite the fact that I'm absolutely hilarious and downright handsome, too. Can you believe it?

Me neither, which is why I am happy to bring to you my newest campaign:

MAKE WARD FAMOUS...and Eat!

What is this brilliant strategy, you ask? Well, it's quite simple: Make me famous, and I'll buy you dinner. Yep, that's it. It's JUST THAT SIMPLE! It's a great idea, and one that can help all of us. I want to be famous, and YOU want to eat. Everyone wins.

"But, Ward, how can I help you with this? Sure, I want dinner with you. But what does this challenge entail?"

Glad you asked. Here it is. There are, on a regular basis, 1000 people who read my blog, email me, and check my website for updates and information. If each one of you tells ONE PERSON PER WEEK about me, that's 1000 new people each week who have heard The Word of Ward, as I like to call it. That's over 50,000 people per year! Now imagine if you each told FIVE PEOPLE PER WEEK ABOUT ME! See where I'm getting?

Eventually, I'm going to know just who is spreading the Word of Ward the fastest. And BAM! Dinner is on me! And it's YOUR CHOICE of how you want to do dinner, too. You want me to treat you to Olive Garden the next time I'm rolling through Little Rock, Arkansas? You got it. You want me to cook you some chicken at my place in Toronto? Damn skippy. Make me famous, and I'll make you dinner.

"Hey, I'm a true Wardiac," you say, "I tell people about you ALL THE TIME! I want dinner, but I mostly want to spread the Word of Ward. What else can I do?"

Glad you asked. Because I'm also currently looking for a sponsor. Do you have access to an energy drink, type of booze, or line of clothing that needs to jump on this runaway train we call "Ward"? Well, that gets you dinner, too! Helping me stay in the public eye and gainfully employed will TOTATLLY entitle you to some grub at Pizzaeria Uno or maybe even a fancy place like Applebee's. And who wouldn't want to see "WARD ANDERSON - BROUGHT TO YOU BY ALMOND JOY"?!?!

MAKE WARD FAMOUS...AND EAT!

It's sweeping North America, people, and you absolutely want to be holding your share of that broom.

You'll notice that I didn't say "RICH AND FAMOUS", eh? That's because I'm certain the fortues will come as my fame increases. And you know what that means, don't you? BETTER DINNERS FOR YOU! Get me some TV time, and your stock just went up in the Ward World. A local TV interview in a major city will get you a sweet T-bone at Ruby Tuesdays! But a national TV spot or syndicated TV appearance that YOU arrange? That's good for a filet mignon at The Cheesecake Factory! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY RESIST?

And, hey, you don't want to have dinner with me? FINE. A gift certificate can totally be substituted where a real, live Ward isn't required.

So, let the competition begin! I will patiently wait by my computer, checking my email and preparing my taste buds.

Isn't it about time? The clock is ticking, people, and the time for Ward to be famous has long since been necessary. You want me to be famous, don't you? Well, so do I! You want to see me on TV more, right? Well, so do I! You want to feed my uncontrollable ego and rampant narcisism, right? WELL, SO DO I!

And you're hungry. So am I.

MAKE WARD FAMOUS! After all, you've gotta eat!

See you at the buffet,

Ward

Kiss my A**

2008-10-29T11:17:00.001-07:00

A phone call from a booking agent yesterday told me that the Stand-Up Comedy industry continues it's downward spiral into absolute absurdity. Two more comedy clubs that I regularly work have now decided that they'd rather focus on "Clean Comedy", and will be censoring comedians who come through. From now on, all acts must refrain from using what immature (yet somehow fully-grown) adults have labeled "F-bombs", and no overtly "blue" comedy will be tolerated.

2009 fast approaches, and I feel as if the industry in which I work is moving backwards in time. As if old Doc Brown crammed Comedy Club owners into his Delorian and took them back to the 1950s, the goody-two-shoes-types are once again running rampant over entertainers and trying to tell grown adults what they want to hear.

I toured 49 weeks on the road last year, traveling to 38 states and 5 Canadian provinces. I can tell you first-hand that the average comedy club audience does not want a watered-down, sanitized, or censored comedy show. In fact, I've been amazed at the fact that many crowds have caused me to push my otherwise PG-13 show straight into R-rated territory, made clear by their overzealous reaction to the dirtiest jokes and tepid reaction to the same routines when cleaned-up for certain situations. Hands down, the more "adult" the show, the better the response from the crowd...and that includes when I was simply witness to other comedians performances and not just my own experiences onstage.

Yet I'm amazed to find more and more comedy clubs censoring the comedians who work there. That's exactly what it is, by the way: censorship. To call it anything else is an insult to both the performer and the audience. It's a decision made by nothing but a combination of ignorance and arrogance, by the way. It assumes that a comedian (you know, the guy who actually has to perform in front of said audience) doesn't know what audiences want or in some way needs someone else to tell him how he should do the act he wrote for himself to perform. I rarely hear musicians tell stories about how concert promoters insist they change up their chord patterns, yet I always have non-comics telling me exactly how I should be writing my act.

The first thing people need to know about comedians is this: We don't set out to fail. It's not dinner theatre, nor is it a tragic one-man show being performed to teary-eyed crowds on Broadway. It's stand-up comedy. The intention is for the audience to actually like the guy onstage and, in turn, laugh at what he has to say. The comedian is looking to entertain, not anger, the audience. If you're paying a guy to be a comedian, you should trust that he's in it to succeed. He's going to try and give the audience what it wants. Chances are, he's going to figure out what works without you having to tell him.

The worst part of censoring comedians, however, is that it's an insult to the audience. It's one person (or a handful of people) making a decision for hundreds of others. I can tell you without hesitation that if I asked the average comedy club audience if they prefer an "Adult" or a "Clean" show, the "Adult" show wins every time. Sure, there will always be a few in each crowd that hate vulgar language and dirty jokes. But do you really want your entertainment decided upon by the minority? Believe it or not, many comedy clubs make decisions just like that.

See, no one is louder than the guy who complains. And no one complains more than the uptight audience member who is easily offended. I've had thousands of people slap me on the back and tell me how hilarious it was when I ranted for 10 minutes about masturbation. But one person who hated one phallic joke I told once tried to get me fired from a comedy club and even wanted me thrown out of the hotel in which I was staying...all because he hated a joke about a penis. The fifty people who like you shake your hand; the one person who hates you screams, makes phone calls, and writes letters. Guess who the comedy club winds up paying the most attention to?

No one is forcing "dirty" jokes upon anyone. If you're a patron of a comedy club, you're not an innocent victim. You paid a cover charge, bought the two-drink minimum, and sat in a chair that faced a lighted stage. I've got news for you: you're guilty. You have every right to get up and leave, but when you expect your view to speak for the crowd, you're trampling all over what's supposed to be so great about comedy in the first place.

It's been over forty years since Lenny Bruce was arrested for obscenity simply because he was doing "dirty" humor. It has been thirty years since George Carlin was arrested for the "Seven Words You Don't Say on Television". It's also been that long since Richard Pryor broke taboos about what a comedian can say to an audience. It's been twenty years since Sam Kinison did it again, in his own way, and made young people just like me re-think how we looked at stand-up comedy.

Now it's almost 2009, and we're forgetting the lessons taught to us by some of the biggest legends in comedy. Think of the most revered names in comedy over the last twenty years. The list of comedians who dared to use adult language and talk about adult situations far outnumbers the list of clean comics who played it safe, every single time. So, why are grown adults now allowing a vocal minority of buzzkills ruin the party?

Keep in mind that there are plenty of places to find clean stand-up comedy. I know many comedians who do church shows just so they can deliver a show that is free of adult language, even if they aren't religious shows. Every year, companies shell out thousands of dollars to "Corporate Comics", guys who do clean private shows for office functions. The average comedy club has plenty of "Clean Weeks", where the comedian advertised is brought in for just that reason. Best of all, you can catch clean comedians right now, for free, on your television set in your very own home.

But comedy clubs should be left alone. They are the one place where grown adults can still go, have an alcoholic beverage (maybe even a smoke, depending on where you live), get away from the kids, and listen to one adult speak like an adult to a roomful of adults about things that are adult in nature. If you wanted to be spoken to as if you're a child, or wanted your stand-up comedy to be watered-down, non-offensive, and completely void of anything taboo...why did you come to a comedy club? You could have found that almost anywhere else.

I understand that we all have different tastes and opinions, and not everyone wants to hear penis jokes and sexual humor for an hour. But the rest of the world is dominated by rules that restrict just that. For those who want to escape censorship, political correctness, sexual repression, and the onslaught of a child-obsessed society, let us have the comedy clubs. Stop trying to decide what's best for everyone else, because everyone else never asked.

In closing, I'll point out that this article has be completely void of expletives and adult humor. That was on purpose. I'm just trying to show that I know that there is a time and place for all types of humor, no matter the point I am trying to make on this subject. So, with my point now clearly made, I will quote my idol, George Carlin, when I say "Shit, Piss, Cock, Cunt, Fuck, Motherfucker, and Tits".

Have a nice day.

"Joe Sixpack" Sucks

2008-10-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

With an election upon us in a matter of weeks, I find myself being reminded that--yet again--it all comes down to this mysterious fellow named "Joe Sixpack". Every politician in the country wants this guy's vote, and they want to remind the rest of America that Mr. Sixpack is exactly the guy who they're talking to at any given point. It's not Corporate America's pocket that our leaders in which our leaders are firmly planted. No, they're hanging on to the denim threads of Joe's overalls. It isn't wealthy businessmen or Wall Street tycoons who are influencing our political heroes these days. It's just Joe.

I can't stand Joe Sixpack.

I am amazed that I find myself in my mid-30s, a citizen of the most-powerful and wealthiest nation on the planet, and am having major leadership decisions made by a guy who is, to put it bluntly, a complete douchebag. Every four years, when I watch the Presidential candidates shlupping their campaign from coast to coast, my skin crawls as I watch them lie to the general public about whom they really give a shit...and then watch the ignorant people everywhere lap it up as if there's any actual validity to it whatsoever.

Joe Sixpack is a douchebag.

First of all, Joe Sixpack is a jackass because he doesn't understand how to buy things. Why the hell is he buying a sixpack in the first place? You save money by purchasing food and beverages in bulk quantities. Everyone knows that. Joe should really spend a few extra bucks at The Piggly Wiggly and become "Joe Case". Joe, you're going to drink all twelve beers anyway, so stop blowing your money away on these sixpacks.

Secondly, Joe's taxes won't change no matter which candidate he votes into office. Let's be honest. Joe Sixpack lives in a trailer. He drives an old Trans Am because it's what The Bandit drove. He likes movies starring Jean Claude Van Damme that even Jean Claude Van Damme won't watch. Those enormous "Hungry Man" dinners that you see in the supermarket? Joe's got a fridge full of those things. Needless to say, Joe is not going to be in a tax bracket remotely affected by the outcome of the next election. Yet the candidates are still talking to him. Thanks a lot, Joe.

Thirdly, Joe will likely never really have to encounter a homosexual. This closest Joe has ever come to interacting with a gay man is when he went to a Judas Priest concert. Joe's local bar has a jukebox with nothing on it but Bad Company CDs, he's lived in the same town his entire life, and he doesn't travel, except the occasional trip to Daytona Beach for a bike rally. He will likely never have to even have a conversation with a homosexual that lasts longer than three minutes. Yet he's got plenty of opinions about homosexuals, and feels that everyone needs to know exactly how he feels. He's against gay marriage and will vote accordingly, regardless of the fact that he has no real reason to believe one way or the other. You're a dick, Joe.

Joe has also never seen anyone who isn't the same religion as he is. He doesn't like Jews because someone told him that the guy who runs his banks is Jewish. He hates Muslims, too, but prefers to call them "ragheads". So, Joe is going to make sure that he always votes for anything that is going to promote his own religion, and crams it into schools and government institutions wherever possible. Joe also thinks there's a "War on Christmas", even though it's not out of the ordinary to hear "Silent Night" playing in Wal-Mart in October. Happy Holidays, Joe.

Joe is also a dick because he hates immigrants but lives 1,000 miles from the closest border; He bitches about foreigners but drives a Toyota; He's racist, but says things like "Hollaback" and listens to Eminem; He complains about the "liberal media" but only listens to AM Rado; He also thinks that "Support the Troops" means putting a yellow ribbon on his truck and calling anyone without one a "faggot"; Joe's idea of feminism is someone who thinks exactly like an old, rich, white man...but just so happens to have a vagina.

Mostly, Joe is a douchebag simply because he's ignorant about the very people who call him important. Joe has somehow been led to believe that Jesus likes elephants better than donkeys and, if he were alive today, would definitely be a white American dude. Joe spews nonsensical sound bytes about tax reform when he's been filling out the same "E-Z" paperwork for twenty years. Joe has been led to believe the word "Liberal" has the same definition as "Communist", and believes that "Family Values" refers to being allowed to hit your kids with your belt buckle as long as it isn't across the face.

Joe has changed the world. It isn't one politician that's speaking to Joe these days. It's every politician. Because of Joe, the word "intelligent" was somehow replaced with "elitist". Because of Joe, being smarter than the other guy became a bad thing, and now every other Yale graduate running for office has to pretend he likes to buy Beanie-Weenies every day at K-Mart. Because of Joe, no one wants someone exceptional to lead the nation anymore.

Instead, Joe just wants to elect someone he'd share that sixpack with. He'd rather vote for the guy who throws a ball well and spends his free-time "working" on his ranch. When people used to say "Anyone can be President", what they didn't really mean is that just anybody can be President. That's another problem with Joe, too: He takes things way too literally. While everyone else scoffed, he was actually outside trying to put lipstick on a pig.

Because of Joe, people think that being a decent public speaker is the same thing as "holding your own" in a debate. Joe thinks that that pretty lady on TV was actually winking at him when she was talking. Joe hears absolute bullshit wrapped in obviously fake "folksiness" and thinks it must be genuine. Joe hears words like "hockey mom" and think it actually means something. He's been so misled, he doesn't realize that the only thing important about him is that vote he's going to cast in November. After that, the candidates will go right back to not giving a shit about Joe.

Everybody wants to talk about Joe. Everybody wants Joe to know that they care about him. Everyone wants Joe to run out and vote.

Me? I'm pissed that Joe votes at all. Enjoy your sixpack, Joe, because I think you suck.

35 Today.

2008-06-16T18:47:00.000-07:00

Today is my 35th birthday.

Honestly, I've never made a big deal over my birthday; not since I was ten, probably. Never had parties or anything like that, and only a couple of times did I even go out for drinks and dinner. In fact, the past four years or so, I've been on the road, far away from anywhere I lived. Even now, as I write this, I'm on the other side of the country from my apartment and everything I've gotten used to calling "home".

Still, this year is a bit different for me. I'm thirty-five. Not old by any stretch of the imagination, but not the kid I still see myself as and (perhaps too often) identify with. Billy Joel once wrote, "I'm young enough to still see the passionate boy that I used to be, but I'm old enough to say I got a good look at the other side". At this point in my life, I can finally say that I know exactly what he was talking about.

...and I can't complain.

It's so easy, in the course of a day or a week or even a year, to focus on everything that is wrong, or all that is difficult in life, and let that be the thing that leads you. It's so easy to look at your life and think, "I wish I had more money, I wish I had more fame, I wish I had better things. I wish I was younger, faster, stronger". What we always fail to tell ourselves is the opposite. I find myself all to rarely thinking, "I used to have less, I used to be worse. I'm better now".

At thirty-five, I think I'm starting to get it.

One thing I do, every year, no matter how unimportant my birthday is to me, is spend a little time alone reflecting on the years that came before. I pour myself a glass of wine and look back over what happened to lead me to this spot that I'm in on this particular June 16th. I'm still a young man, but I often feel like I've lived three or four lives when I think about the different paths I chose as the years rolled by.

Six years ago, I was only a part-time comedian. I was working by day in wine sales, and I had a cozy apartment in North Jersey.

Ten years ago, I was a restaurant manager, living in Detroit, Michigan. I was also forty pounds heavier and hadn't been onstage doing comedy for years.

Now I tour all over North America, I've published a book (with another due out next year), done several TV appearances, and worked my way up to headlining my own shows forty-nine weeks per year. It's amazing in how many directions you can turn in such a short amount of time.

I don't feel old. In fact, I can easily say that there's a comfort in being in your thirties that I never, ever thought possible. When you're in your twenties, thirty-five seems pretty old, and the thought of someone telling you that it's a pretty confident place to be sounds absolutely crazy. It sounds like the delusions of a man fighting a crises as he faces mid-life fast approaching.

Be that as it may, it's very true. I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade this year to be twenty-five again. If I could freeze time and stay one age for my entire life, you know what age that would be?

Ten. Ten years old is the best. Don't kid yourself into believing anything else.

But, after that, I'd likely choose any year between thirty and thirty-six. I'm a healthier man that I was ten years ago, I'm a stronger man than I was ten years ago, and--anyone will tell you--I'm much more likeable now than I was at any other age. I can feel funny without feeling obnoxious. I can feel confident without feeling arrogant. I can feel curious without feeling naive. And I can feel like I finally have a clue as to what the hell I'm talking about, at least fifty percent of the time.

So, I'm not regretting thirty-five today. Sure, I could have a lot (a whole lot) more money than I do...but I'm still working on that. I could also be huge and famous...that one's still in the machine, too.

But I'm luckier than I give myself credit for being. I have a family that believes in me, a girlfriend who (somehow) loves me, and plenty of people who enjoy watching me do this crazy thing I've chosen to do with my life. In thinking that things could be better, sometimes it's easy to forget that they could also be a hell of a lot worse.

Also, I'm told I don't look my age and, for that, I'm truly grateful. People tell me I'm talented sometimes, too, which puts me ahead of the curve. And, unlike when I was twenty-five, I don't think I sound like a moron and I'm not ashamed to take my shirt off in public.

See, when I was twenty-five, that kind of talk would get me labeled an "arrogant, cocky, young punk". At thirty-five, I'm called a "narcissist". If that's not a true sign of aging like fine wine, I sure as hell don't know what is.

Monster Laughs in Tampa

2008-05-17T00:13:00.000-07:00

Hello, gang...

Normally, this blog is not a "hey, here's what's going on" kind of rant. Normally, I try to make it more like reading a humor article or something like that. This time, however, I'm breaking format to do a little shamelss self-promotion.

So, I have this big show in Tampa on May 21st. As many of you know, the gig is sponsored by Monster Energy Drink. Several big whigs from Monster are going to be at the show, deciding whether or not to sponsor me full-time and if they might want to do a big tour in bigger venues. Needless to say, the show in Tampa is a big deal. So, if you know people in the area, or you're already there, please come check out the show.

Earlier today, I was told that a DVD of the performance will be made, and a video will also be placed online once it has been digtially mastered or whatever people do to make my enormous head seem less cartoonish on TV. So, even if you can't make the show, there's a good possibility you can see it.

I'm doing several interviews on ESPN radio (those of you who really know me should get a kick out of that) over the next few days, as well as radio all over Tampa. I'm also going to be appearing on "Studio 10", which is the CBS Morning TV show in Tampa, Florida on CBS Channel 10.

On Thursday, May 22nd, I'll be on the nationally-syndicated NBC morning show "Daytime", talking about "The Ultimate Bachelor's Guide" and my current tour schedule. It airs in several cities, so check local listings. I'll, of course, post the video here and on youtube when it's all done.

All of this is to help promote my tour, Monster Energy Drink, and the big show at Sidesplitters in Tampa. Needless to say, I'm quite excited, even if I am a little nervous about the whole thing. This is what I've been working toward for the past several years of non-stop touring and promotion. All I can do is hope that it all finally pays off.

I'm excited, and happy that all of you are out there supporting me along the way. I never thought I would find so many people who believed in me talking about my penis onstage...but, 'lo and behold, here you are...

Check out http://www.sidespliiterscomedy.com/ for more info, and http://www.wardanderson.net/ for other stuff.

See you in La-La Land,

Ward

Comedian Myths

2008-04-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

Everyone thinks they know me. They know me, what I do, and they know my job, inside-out. Having watched dozens or more comedians on TV for however many years, the average audience member (or random guy at Starbucks) has deduced that my job is as easily understood as the opening three minutes to an early episode of Seinfeld. After all, all I do is stand onstage and tell a few jokes every night, followed by easy money and even easier sex, right?

Um...sure. Whatever you say.

It's flattering, actually, that people think my job is much, much more exciting and rewarding than it actually is on a regular basis. The sheer fact that I'm in the Entertainment Industry adds a certain appeal and illusion of extravagance that, in reality, just doesn't exit. At the end of the day, my job is just that: A job. Just like the average guy working in an office loves and hates many aspects of his job, comedians have ups and downs every single day at what is, for lack of a better analogy, our "office". Just like I'm unaware of the typical pains of being an aeronautical engineer, as was my father, there are many misconceptions about the grunts out there known as stand-up comedians.

Here's a few examples.

1. There is no "Circuit".

Everyone asks me "How long have you been on 'The Circuit'?" This question is not remotely annoying or anything of the like. It's just a misconception about comedians left over from the early 80s. Back then, there weren't so many comedy clubs and random venues littering the country. There actually was a kind of "circuit" that comedians followed. Eventually, clubs became one circuit, colleges became the other. Nowadays, however, it's all about simply getting work. There is no catch-all run of comedy clubs all tied together, working comics from coast to coast. Typically, a comedian has to seek work at each club on an individual basis. There is a difference in the level of comedy clubs, however, such as "A-List" rooms and "B-list" rooms, but that has to do with the level of noteriety of the performing comedians. The unknown guys spend more time in the "B-list" rooms, just as there are plenty of "B-list" movies lining the shelves at Blockbuster Video. I often like to call myself a "B-list Comedian with A-list tendancies". Still working on switching that around, of course.

2. Comedians don't work an hour a day.

People high-five me all the time and tell me, "must me nice to work only an hour a day". Well, I don't. Nothing could be further from the truth. Being a full-time comedian is a full-time job, and that includes the hours spent writing material, contacting people for work, and traveling to and from work. Sometimes I drive 12 hours to get to a city where I'm peforming that week. It's not exactly hard labor, I know, but I'd hardly call it lesiure-time, either. Also, it's not uncommon for a comedian to spend several hours a day, writing emails, making phone calls, sending out mail and doing random marketing in order to keep getting work in random clubs, colleges, or corporate events. That hour I spend onstage every night? That's the reward for all the hard work, not the work itself. Typically, standing onstage making people laugh is the easiest part of my job. Getting an agent on the phone on a Tuesday afternoon, however, is not.

3. Comedians aren't rich.

If comedians were rich, they'd probably not have so many jokes about what it feels like to be broke. In fact, being a comedian (unless, of course, you're one of the top 5% of comedians working today, including TV stars) is a middle-class job, at best. I'm not complaining, mind you (okay, maybe a little...but who doesn't?), because I get paid to do what I love to do and always wanted to do. After all, my last year with a "real job", I made seventy-five grand. My first year as a comic? I made nineteen. Any comedian who gets into the business to get rich is typically making a big mistake. Like the teacher working for little pay and the summers off, you do it because you love to do it.

Still, it's always amusing when comedians hear audience members surprised to find out that the comic is only driving a Toyota Corolla that is 10 years old. If comedy paid as well as people think it does, most comedians wouldn't tour as much as they do. You may notice that really famous comedians rarely tour as much as the unknown guys do. That's for a reason; they can afford to stay home. So, when the roadcomic in Nebraska says he can't afford to buy you that round of drinks, he's probably not kidding. Do the guy a favor and buy the stupid T-shirt he's peddling.

4. Comedians don't get laid all the time.

Comedy is a couples thing. People rarely, if ever, go by themselves. Typically, people go with their spouses or significant others. Yes, there is the occasional group of single women who come out to the comedy show at the local club, but everyone over fourteen knows that groups of women don't go out encouraging the members of their groups to sleep with strange men, espcially entertainers. Typically, the audience says "Great Show" on their way out the door to go home and sleep with someone other than the comedian. The comic, in turn, stays at the bar, tells stories to random members of the staff, and goes back to the hotel alone. Are there exceptions? Of course. Lightning strikes in the strangest of places. But, typically, the harem of women lining up to drop their panties at the sight of a funny man is mostly a myth. Also, it should be noted that women often don't sleep with comedians because they already think that tons of women always sleep with comedians. It's hard for a guy to get a woman in bed if she thinks she's nothing but yet another woman in yet another town. So, the result is that most comedians wined up going without. Not to say that a comedian won't try to get laid. Oh, heavens, we're known to do all kinds of stupid things if we think it'll grant us a ride on that roller-coaster. We're just not as successful at it as you might believe. There's a reason why rock stars have so much sex: they aren't comedians.

5. We don't fly as much as you think.

I drive to most of my gigs, and only fly when it's absolutely necessary or incredibly cost-effcicient. A comedian's expenses are his own and rarely get covered by the comedy clubs at which we perform, especially while at the lower levels of the biz. Sometimes the pay is good enough to fly, but sometimes a comedian has to book himself several weeks on the road at a time and, hopefully, work in a circle that leads him back home. In doing this, driving is the best--sometimes only--option. Of course, with the rising cost of gas and the option to "negotiate" air fare on websites like priceline.com, all of this might change over the next couple of years. I fly more now than I did just two years ago for this very reason.

6. We can't use the internet jokes you tell us after the show.

People always come up to me and say "Here's a joke you can use in your act". What they say next is typically an internet joke that they read at work or, often, the most vile, racist story I've heard in weeks. Neither one is acceptable for my act. We can't just use random jokes at will. That would be taking another comedian's act, a huge violation of an unwritten code we have: You don't steal other comedians' material. People break this rule all the time, of course, but 95% of all comedians try hard to write material that is original. Sure, lots of ideas have been recycled, but that's mostly because comedians tend to think alike, not because we're just stealing and sharing. So, I'm more than happy to hear your hilarious internet (or "joke book") joke...but it's doubtful I'll use it in my act.

7. It isn't easy to get on TV.

TV spots are handled by agents, managers, producers, and a whole bunch of corporate suits that have nothing to do with me or what I'm doing in a comedy club. People always say to me, "Why don't you go on Letterman or Leno?" as if it's an easy task that I can accomplish with just a phone call. Well, it takes years to get to that point and, honestly, most comedians never get there. I'd dare say that only ten to fifteen percent of all working comedians get a spot on one of the popular late-night TV shows, and it takes a lot more than just being funny. We're all funny. That alone doesn't make you special. Sometimes, like so much in the entertainment industry, it all comes down to being in the right place at the right time, or simply knowing the right people. Other times, it comes from years of hard work and determination. Either way, trust me when I say that there are absolutely no comedians out there actively avoiding a nice TV credit. If Letterman comes calling, you'd better believe I'll be there ASAP, whatever it takes. In fact, most comedians would be happy if given the chance to be on any TV show, as long as there is a chance it will help get him a little attention within the industry. Keep that in mind when you see me on Jerry Springer next month.

8. We're not always funny.

People ask my girlfriend if I'm always "on". She laughs because she knows there are times, just like now, when I'm sitting silently at my laptop, listening to jazz and drinking wine. As much as I love to be the wild and funny guy onstage, I love to unwind and chill-out almost as much. Everyone has some down-time, and comedians are no different. Besides, nobody wants to be around someone who is exactly the same, all the time. There are some comedians (I confess I used to be one of them) who are always cracking jokes, always trying to be funny, and always battling to be the center of attention. They're annoying. You want them to just shut up and pass the salt, but they're too busy trying to show the waitress their best "Kramer" impression. Believe me when I say, middle of the day, you'd rather be around the comic who prefers to just hang out at Barnes and Noble. Oh, and if you doubt me when I say that comedians aren't always trying to be funny...honestly, how often did you laugh at this article?

'nuff said.

We're good people, comedians. We love to entertain, love to keep people laughing, and strive for the audience approval with each and every show. That being said, we're also some of the most misunderstood people you'll ever encounter. What was the point of all of this, you ask? Well, when you see a comedian somewhere, perhaps walking around the mall in your local town, go up and offer him a hug. Better yet, just buy the guy a sandwich. He's probably broke anyway and, if you hug him, he'd just try to have sex with you.

Who the Hell Wants to Live This Way?

2008-02-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

I love being a comedian. That is, to say, I love standing onstage, making people laugh. There's rarely a time when I'm as happy or as comfortable as I am when I'm in front of an audience, doing my show. That time I spend in front of a crowd is enough to carry me through the entire day and, if it's a good enough show, the entire week.

That being said, I hate almost every other single detail about my profession. When I say "hate", I don't mean the same way I hate the line at the coffee shop or the crowds at the mall. I'm talking about the kind of hate reserved only for people who have killed a family member or kicked a dog right in front of me. That hour onstage every day is wonderful, but it pales in comparison to the awful, soul-crushing world that inhabits the other parts of my career. There are so many aspects to being a comedian and, oddly enough, the performance every night is probably the smallest part. No, there is an entire lifetime of daily suffering that goes on in a comic's world, with a deluge of annoyances that help it take shape.

First and foremost, there are the bookings agents. These are the people who represent the clubs for which I work. Sometimes they are also comedians or former comedians; sometimes they are the managers of the club in question. More times than not, they are people who get paid to write on a calendar and make decisions no one else wants to make. For that reason, booking agents are very powerful, and the people who make the most profit in my business. They know how much comedians need them and, with that in mind, often milk it for all it's worth. I've never kissed an ass the way I've kissed a booker's ass.

The bookers who are failed comedians are difficult to deal with simply because they are the biggest hypocrites on the planet. They spent years in the trenches, being overlooked and treated horribly, only to finally leave the performance side of stand-up and venture to the opposite end of the business. What happened on the other side? Well, a majority of them became exactly what they always despised. They are now exactly like the people who once ignored their phone calls, patronized their every word, and altogether belittled the comedian at every turn.

Sure, there are a few bookers I admire, like to work with, and might even call my friends. But, make no mistake; they are few and far between. Until you are famous or, at the very least, very well-known (and well-managed), dealing with booking agents can tear you apart. You can spend months leaving messages that never get returned, emails that never get read and mail that is simply tossed aside all because a booking agent doesn't feel like changing the routine he's been in for the past several years. And he doesn't have to. There's only one of him and dozens (perhaps hundreds) of comedians waiting to work for him. They, more than anyone, control this business.
These same people who are in control of most of the stand-up comedy world are also the same people who know the least about it, have no passion for it or the people who perform it, and are incidentally some of the laziest, two-faced, liars a person will ever encounter. They get used to booking the same comedians in the same clubs, year after year, without changing a thing or lifting a single finger to attempt something new or challenging. If they can find a way to make more money by doing the exact same thing (or less) over and over again, they will do it, especially if there's someone else (especially a comedian) footing the bill. The only difference between a vampire and a booking agent is that one is soulless, bloodsucking demon…and the other is a vampire.

Agents aside, there's more to my business than just the constant searching and tap-dancing for jobs. The travel is exhausting and a comedian rarely has any time (or money) to truly enjoy the many different locations he is able to visit. A comedian never seems to know anything about the local monuments or museums but everything about the nearest mall or cheap place to eat. Sometimes a comic travels as many as 12 hours in one day, only to find that the show wasn't advertised and there are only 8 people in attendance.

The accommodations are often insulting, from horrible hotel rooms that even cheap, truck-stop hookers would find offensive, to a poorly kept condo where the sofas are supported by old paperbacks. Cheap hotels rush you out as early as possible, regardless of what the "Do Not Disturb" sign reads, and many clubs require that the comedians clean the condo themselves before heading out on their next venture. One club I've performed in (more than once) is notorious for putting comedians up in a hotel that is downright nasty and, unbelievably, only across the street from a very nice chain hotel that charges—no kidding—just ten dollars more per night.

Comedians these days are paid exactly what they were paid twenty years ago. There has been no pay increase to combat the rising cost of living, or the rising cost of expenses. Even though tickets have increased over the years, as have the prices of food and drinks, comics are still being paid as if gas was only ninety cents per gallon. In order to make a livable wage, the average comedian, one without extensive TV credits or top management (which come via luck these days more so than via talent), has to tour constantly, rarely taking a break or spending very long at home. People wonder why comedians always seem to be single.

So, when a comedian says "you've been a great crowd" and seems to thank you as if you just saved his life, that might just be the case. I've often spent an entire day trying to talk myself into staying in this business when every sensible ounce of my brain tells me to quit. I've finally decided that I just can't convince myself to stay in this business any longer (not because of lack of talent or persistence, but for sheer exhaustion and utter disbelief at its sheer absurdity), only to have thunderous applause at the end of the night do what I couldn't accomplish all afternoon. I go to bed deciding, yet again, to stick it out for another week, or month, or year.

Audience members are often the only saving grace, treating comics like celebrities when sometimes the club owners treat us like we're a nuisance rather than the very backbone of their business. One club owner didn't return my phone calls (made once per week) for almost two years. Once I finally got him on the phone, I was informed just how busy he always is. It doesn't take an industry veteran to figure out that no one in this business is so busy that they can't return a phone call for two years. After I got to know this same guy, I found out that he plays golf no less than three times per week.

A fellow comedian, very new to the business, once said to me "This is the greatest business on earth to be a part of", to which I laughed and corrected him, "No, this is the best job on earth to have".

See, there's a difference. Standing onstage, making people laugh…that's a great job. But stand-up comedy, as an industry, is an awful, terrible business. It's run by people who hate comedy, dealing with comedians every day. It's a business that expects performers, with no experience in business, to somehow be good businesspersons. It pretends to be about talented performers when, in actuality, its performers are amongst the lowest paid in show business. It isn't even about being funny as much as it is about selling alcohol and food and, at a time when everyone seems scared of their shadow and censorship is running amok, it's not even the goal to be "funny" as much as it is to be "safe". Mediocrity isn't a comedian's goal, per se, but it certainly is rewarded with steady work.

Why am I writing this? Because I had a bad day. Or a bad week. Or a bad month. Or all of the above.

Many of my fellow comedians consider me lucky. I was able to move up quickly in my field and work quite a bit all over the country. Last year alone, I toured over forty-nine weeks straight, barely taking a break. After all, what choice did I have? There's no "day job" that would let me tour that much and still have employment and, if I plan on being a full-time comedian, I have to tour that much just to keep paying my bills. So, I did it, both to engulf myself in my craft and, at the same time, experience everything—good or bad—this business had to offer me.

Still, that's more work than most of my comedian pals were pulling in. So, why complain?

Let's see:

· My last "real job", before going full-time as a comic, I was in sales. I made seventy-five grand per year and lived by myself in a nice apartment all by myself. When I left my job, I paid off all my debt so I could bury myself in my comedy business. Eight months later, I was back in debt, deeper than before, and was forced to move in with my girlfriend just to keep making ends meet. I wasn't unemployed, just underpaid. That year, I put thirty-thousand miles on my car.

· Three years later, after I was gone for a majority of the year, trying to earn a living, my girlfriend finally left me. Even though she made three times per year what I was pulling in, she got to keep the apartment we shared, the car in my name, all of the furniture (except my recliner) and anything else we bought while we were together. It was decided she "earned" everything by supporting me during my struggling years. Anything she didn't want was boxed up and moved into a storage space. I moved in with a friend, staying on his sofa until I "got back on my feet".

· A month later, my ex called me and demanded the remainder of my things, all shoved in a closet, be removed so that her new boyfriend could move in. When I explained that I'd be on the road for over a month, now touring even more than before the split, the new boyfriend emailed me and reprimanded me for my "irresponsible career and life choices". Six months later, I house-sat my old apartment while the two of them went on their honeymoon. The utilities are still in my name.

· That year, I put over fifty-thousand miles on my car.

· Six months after I moved all of my belongings there, the storage company sent me a letter to inform me that they decided randomly to raise my rent by twenty-five dollars per month. Sure enough, in fine print, my contract allows them to raise the rent whenever they want for no reason whatsoever. I haven't the time nor money to move my stuff elsewhere.

· A club I'm working at tells me that, in order to save money, they only allow the comedians to order off the children's menu.

· I find out that my mechanic, whom I've been using for two years, has been deliberately screwing me over, overcharging me, and making sure I'm constantly having to bring my car in for service that only he can do. Calculating backwards, I realize I've overpaid him by about two grand.

· Two months after the warranty expired, my laptop suddenly stopped working out of nowhere. It cost me less to buy a new laptop than to fix my existing one. My new warranty on my new laptop cost about half as much as the laptop itself. When I told my brother, a computer programmer, how ridiculous this is, he informs me that laptops are supposed to be replaced every few years. Christ.

· A booking agent, whom I've been trying to get in touch with for over two years, informs me that she has lost another one of my "promo kits", which includes several publicity photos, random articles, and a DVD of my show. She will not book me without viewing the promo kit. I have to send another one to her, at my expense, and this is the fourth time I'll do so. She's already lost three.

· I get a letter from a toll-booth company that informs me that, four years ago, I underpaid them for tolls incurred in my old car. They want eight hundred dollars. If I agree to not contest the bill, nor to seek council, they'll take payments and accept four hundred dollars instead. I start making payments the following day. In actuality, I don't even owe them a dollar.

· I get hired to be the opening act for a comedian who is on a popular TV show. Two days later, I'm fired for being "too funny".

· I'm informed by a club that my booking with them now qualifies as "summer pay". "Summer Pay" is normally doled out by clubs in the middle of July, when business is slower. Comedians are paid less in the summer than they are in the other months of the year when that club decides to adopt a "summer pay" clause in their contract. The saddest part is that some clubs insist on summer pay even when their club remains busy that time of year. And the clubs who insist on "summer pay" seem to believe that summer is longer than it actually is. In this case, the club in question has decided that summer starts the first week of May, and my pay has been cut by 30%. Meanwhile, every show is almost sold out with ticket sales at full price.

· A credit card I cancelled two years ago posts a delinquency on my credit report, even though I paid them two years ago and haven't even had the card since then. I'm told by a credit counselor that proving my side of the argument to the credit reporting agencies will be nearly impossible and might take years.

· A guy in the front row of my show gets drunk and talks on his cell phone while I'm onstage. When I complain to the club manager about it, I'm told that I shouldn't complain about "paying customers".

· A comedy club books me but neglects to inform me that, as part of the deal, there is no hotel for me to stay in for the week. I have the choice of blowing half my pay for the entire week and putting myself up in a hotel or staying on the sofa of a local comedian who is, subsequently, opening for me for nothing but a free meal. I spend the week on his futon, wondering if George Carlin ever lived like this.

· My agent calls and informs me that a college wants to hire me for a show and have offered $250 for one show. I accept the gig, only to find out later that the offer was for $1000. Instead of taking the 15% we've agreed upon, the agent secretly decided he deserves 75%. I only discover this when the college accidentally makes the entire check out to me instead of my agent. Keep in mind that even Elvis' manager only took 50%, and everyone considered that unethical.

· I get cancelled from a gig one week before I'm supposed to be there. The club manager made a mistake and accidentally booked two comedians for the same week. He flips a coin and I'm out of work for the week with no compensation for the mistake. I spend the next week sitting on the couch.

· I agree to take a pay cut and work at a comedy club for half-price, just to get the booking agent to notice me. He doesn't show up for any of the shows that week and asks me to work half-price the following year, as well, since he never got around to being there. He drives a sixty-thousand dollar car and pays me what literally comes out to be minimum wage for the week. I get a standing ovation that he's not even there to see it. He later tells me that, since he wasn't there, it doesn't count. He asks me to return the following year at that same, discounted rate.

· A club calls to inform me that it no longer has a Wednesday night show and will have to cut my pay for the week by $250.

· A TV show I was supposed to be on suddenly decides not to use me because they already have chosen to use some other comedians who, they've decided, look similar.

· I find out that my new mechanic has overcharged me by $200. As I drive away from his shop, my car starts making a noise it wasn't making when I brought it in.

· My girlfriend's father constantly reminds me that I don't make very much money, have almost nothing saved for the future, and work in an industry with complete uncertainty, no health benefits, and more failure than success. Incidentally, he doesn't think I'm very funny, either.

· Two months after I move into a nice, pre-furnished apartment with a friend-of-a-friend, my roommate decides to move out…and takes all the furniture with her. I'm about to go on tour for six weeks, suddenly stuck with an empty apartment I'll hardly be in, and have to cover the entire rent by myself.

· After two years of trying to get an agent to take my call and book me at his club, the agent finally agrees and offers me a date…for half-price.

· My accountant gets me back $900 for the year…then bills me $600.

· This year, I put 65,000 miles on my car.

· I get bumped from my week of work at a club because some guy from "Best Week Ever" on VH-1 has decided to reschedule his date and he wants mine. He does half the time onstage that I do and is going to be paid three times as much. Hardly anyone seems to watch "Best Week Ever" and, those who do can't name this guy, but he's considered "A-list Talent" by the club booker anyway, so I get bumped until next year.

· A booking agent tells me to call him the first week in October in order to get some work from him for the following year. The day I call him, he informs me that he already booked the entire next year…in September.

· Because he feels like it, and without my asking, a club manager keeps sending me Jaegermeister shots while I'm onstage, only to take the price of them out of my pay for the week without telling me.

· A guy who was my opening act a year ago suddenly gets a job booking the very same club we worked at together. He bumps me out of the date I'm scheduled to be there because he's got "other plans for that week". That plan involves booking himself for that date and then never taking my phone calls again.

So, do I have a great job? That depends on which way you look at it. Sure, I get to see the world, meet all kinds of people, and tell jokes for a living, but that's one hour a day. It's the other 23 that are driving me completely nuts, and those are the hours I'm supposedly not even working. My job is keeping me active, positive, and alive. It's my off-time that's killing me.

That being said, I hope to see you all next week, when I'll be headlining at Uncle Chuckle's Yackety Shack. I'll be the guy arguing with the car mechanic out front.

Do Not Disturb

2008-02-11T21:12:00.000-08:00

You know that little "Do not disturb" sign that hangs on the doorknob of your hotel room? Sometimes it is a large, plastic sign that hangs directly from the knob while, other times, it is a little shard that is inserted directly into the card-keyhole.

Well, what follows is a list of things that little sign keeps from disturbing you whenever you're staying at a home-away-from-home, from four-star hotels to awful, white-trash infested roadstop bordellos. Any of the people or things mentioned on this list might normally disturb your slumber, study time, or quality time with your adult imagination but, thanks to that nice invention of modern plastic technology, they are somehow rendered temporarily powerless, much like Superman when he stepped into that special chamber that took away all of his powers until he was tired of getting laid with that reporter lady and wanted to go back to being, well, Superman.

That sign is somehow able to ward off:

Hookers, pimps, drug dealers, Jehovah's Witnesses, Maintenance Men, neighbors, homeless people, groupies, journalists, The Salvation Army, tweakers, leprechauns, Hot Topic goth chicks, computer nerds, veterans, bill collectors, booking agents, vacuum cleaner salesmen, car mechanics, dog walkers, politicians, construction workers, the surgeon general, lawyers, sexy nurses, skateboarders, porn stars, NASCAR drivers, Lane Bryant employees, pizza delivery guys, assorted alcoholics, nuns, zombies, doctors, The Fonz, firemen, astronauts, ugly nurses, video store clerks, Chinese delivery guys, weight-lifters, serial killers, radiologists, vampires, lumberjacks, hitmen, tailors, florists, psychics, the Dukes of Hazzard, smokers, homeopathic students, the Verizon guy, guidance counselors, restaurant managers, police detectives, kidergarten teachers, ring announcers, street preachers, and the entire cast of "How I Met Your Mother".

You know who that sign does NOT keep from distubring you? Hotel Housekeeping Staff.
Apparently, sometime over the past couple of years, the housekeeping staff at every major hotel across North America has been given a special pass when it comes to adhering to that simple request placed ever so blutly on doorknobs everywhere. In the past three weeks, I have been disturbed by housekeepers in no less than six out of ten hotels. Each time that I pointed out the "Do not disturb" sign hanging in front of my angry index finger, I was answered with scoffs and grunts, as if no one had ever told housekeeping that that sign was actually created mostly for THEM in the first place.

At one hotel, a knock came at 9am. I work nights and rarely ever am awake before 11am. I'm also a chronic "late check-out" customer. If I can stay put in that hotel until 2pm, I'll do it, and try to get the late check out any time possible. That 9am knock sent my body and mind into a tailspin of confusion, exhaustion, and frustration. It's like that 4am phone call from a friend you haven't heard from in months, and you're convinced--before you've even answered--that someone close to you has died.

"Housekeeping", the voice on the other end of the thinly-chained door called into the darkness of my hotel room.

"Whatthehellitsnineoclockinthemorningjesuschristwherethehellamiwhathappenedhuh?" I responded from within the confines of my probably-dirty sheets.

"Housekeeping," she repeated.

"It's 9am," I responded, only just realizing it myself, "and there's a 'do not disturb' sign on the door."

"Yes, but we're housekeeping.".

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

As if that list I already mentioned, the one that includes "zombies" on it, was somehow true and the housekeeping staff had managed to avoid being on it, the woman on the other end of the door seemed amazed that I would even suggest that she not be there.

"Who the hell is that sign supposed to be for, then?" I yelled back, "Besides, if I did want my room cleaned, it wouldn't be at 9am".

If this was the one and only time this sort of thing happened, I'd probably simply have forgotten it. Since, however, this practice has beome a growing trend, I can't help but throw my thoughts out like this, hoping to somehow get an answer as to why and when it happened. Or, at the very least, perhaps I can get out the frustration I have that would otherwise be directed at these poorly underpaid (yet still annoying) cleaners.

Before I was a comedian, I worked in hotel and restaurant management. I can say that, when I did, housekeeping didn't even start working at some hotels until 11am, after the typical check-out time, when most guests were already gone and most new guests had not yet arrived. Sure, there were other members of the staff already there at 6am, but they weren't doing nearly the same amount of work, and certainly weren't knocking on doors at 9am.

So, what changed? When did hotels start insisting on getting guests the hell out of their rooms as opposed to hoping they'd want to stay?

What follows is my description of an actual exchange I had with several members of the hotel staff recently while on tour in the midwest. I was awoken at 10am by a knock on the door, even though the apparently useless sign was, as always, hanging on the damned doorkob. This particular hotel had a check-out time of 12pm, so I could've easily kept sleeping for a while longer. If you don't think the extra time is that important, keep in mind how insane people are about hitting that "Snooze" button on the alarm clock...for the chance to sleep only 9 more minutes.

The knock on the door came loudly, with the obligatory "HOUSEKEEPING" shouted at me from the background. When I responded that I wanted them to go away, I was greeted with the word "Housekeeping" three more times with such a clatter that I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. I opened the door, freezing and wearing nothing but the Spider-Man underoos I sleep in, and confronted the housekeeper face-to-face.

"I'm sleeping, and there's a 'do not disturb' sign on the door," I have to admit, I was not very nice.

"But I'm with Housekeeping," she responded. For a minute there, I thought I was just dreaming the same encounter over and over again.

I sent her on her way and went back to sleep, only to be awoken twenty minutes later by the phone on the nightstand ringing.

"This is the front desk," a woman's voice came from the other end, "will you be checking out today or staying another night?"

"It's barely past 10am," I said, "and I have a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door."

"That's why I called instead of knocking," she said.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

"The phone ringing IS disturbing," I said, exhausted.

"Well, we need to know if you're checking out or not so we know whether or not to keep a housekeeper on staff to clean the room."

I explained that I didn't care about the hotel's staffing issues and, quite honestly, why the hell should I? Honestly, faithful reader, why should any of us care what the Ramada Inn needs to do with its employee schedule? Last time I checked, they didn't give me a discount for checking out before the alotted 12pm time, so why should their payroll be of any concern to me?

Secondly, regardless of staffing issues and housekeepers waiting to clean the hotel room, that 12pm check-out time is more than just a cut-off point for the money I've spent. It's the time I have, if I choose to, to live in absolute seclusion. Barring some unforseen emergency or natural disaster, I am legitimately allowed to be a complete hermit, especially in regards to hotel staff, until 12pm rears it's ugly head. Whether that time be spent sleeping, watching tv, studying, or doing anything legal I choose to do does not matter; it's my time to do as I please and to do so completely without the disturbance (there's that word again) of the staff at the hotel.

So, if every minute up until 12pm is MY minute, I am under no obligation to inform them, until those minutes are up, whether or not I'll be paying for more mintues. Since that time is mine to do as I want, perhaps I will spend some of that time deciding whether or not I'm going to stay at the hotel another night or not, and I'm under no rush to make up my mind during that time. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have to tell the hotel staff anything until 11:59am.

And I don't.

"What time is check-out?" I asked the voice on the phone.

"12pm," she replied.

"Then you'll find out at 12pm whether or not I'm staying".

I hung up the phone and slept for another hour.

Upon leaving, I walked through the lobby, wearing my overcoat and scarf, with my luggage being rolled behind me and my briefcase strapped over my shoulder. As I made my way to the front door, a woman behind the counter, presumably the voice from the phone, called out to me.

"Are you checking out?"

"No," I said flatly, "around this time every day, I take my luggage out for a stroll around the parking lot."

She looked at me like I was, well, disturbed.